Fauci's Pandemic Memoirs Read Like a Hollywood Audition With a Side of Public Health

While Americans were wiping down groceries, homeschooling kids, closing businesses, canceling funerals, and wondering whether standing six feet apart from grandma was enough to survive the apocalypse, Dr. Anthony Fauci apparently had another pressing concern.

His fan mail.

Newly released private diary entries, published ahead of Fauci's Senate testimony after being subpoenaed by Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY), paint the portrait of a man who seemed just as fascinated by his exploding celebrity status as by the virus consuming the world.

Instead of reading like the journal of a wartime physician carrying the weight of a global pandemic, the entries tend to resemble the diary of an aspiring influencer who suddenly found himself trending.

"Press still hot and heavy about me," Fauci wrote on April 7, 2020. "Multiple stories per day directly or indirectly involving me."

What a dork.

At the time, thousands of Americans had already died, hospitals were scrambling for supplies, and families were saying goodbye to loved ones over FaceTime. Fauci, meanwhile, appeared to be tracking media mentions like they were stock prices. [Dud I mention he's a dork?]

By May, the self appreciation had only intensified.

"Big front page article abut me appeared in the Washington Post. Very flattering. The situation with my national and international fame is explosive and really unimaginable. It is not hyperbole to say that today I am the most famous and talked about person in the country and one of the most recognizable person in the world," Fauci wrote as he looked in his full-body mirror.

Not content to stop there, he added, "Countless profiles on me in multiple media. I cannot even read all the things that are written about me since I am so busy … seriously. POTUS seems to be enamored of me even though I am taking the spotlight away from him. We are developing a very unique and interesting relationship."

Look at me--I'm Mister Cool

So, while the globe is suffering from a raging pandemic, our humble servant is depicting himself as one of the most recognizable people on Earth.

The diaries also suggest Fauci viewed television appearances less as an opportunity to inform the public than as oxygen.

After complaining that White House officials were limiting his media access, he proudly recorded a conversation with then Vice President Mike Pence.

"I told him that I am being blocked from TV and I needed to get on TV to give the 'risk reduction' message and that I would avoid being pitted against him or the POTUS merely by not playing that game," Fauci wrote. "He did promise that he would get me out there on TV since he really liked my message. First time anyone ever spoke that way to VP. He truly likes me a lot (and vice versa)."

Dork.

Apparently, flattening the curve was important. Keeping Fauci off cable news was the real emergency. The people needed him; the world needs him.

At another point, Fauci admitted privately that the administration's contact tracing strategy was a "f*cking disaster and an abject failure."

Then, almost seamlessly, he noted he had been invited to appear on "Dancing With The Stars."

It's obvious that when the nation's pandemic response is collapsing, your next thought is ballroom choreography.

The celebrity obsession did not end with television.

The diaries feature a cast list worthy of the Oscars. Julia Roberts hosted him on Instagram Live, sent him flowers, and presented him with an award. Vogue editor Anna Wintour, comedian Trevor Noah, NBA star Steph Curry, actors Sean Penn and Matt Damon, rapper Lil Wayne, billionaire Larry Ellison, and numerous media personalities all wandered through Fauci's journal.

CNN's Jake Tapper appears repeatedly through calls, dinners, and text messages. Dana Bash congratulated Fauci after his exchange with Rep. Jim Jordan, even telling him that Wolf Blitzer joked nobody would have blamed him if he had told Jordan to "go f--k yourself."

When journalist Peter Nicholas suggested Fauci had been "humiliated" over a canceled CNN appearance, Fauci's diary recorded his response in two concise words.

"F--- you, Peter."

Apparently, social distancing did not apply to grudges [nor to certain state governors].

The journals also reveal Fauci becoming increasingly irritated with White House officials who threatened to reduce his television appearances. Mark Meadows allegedly argued with him over messaging, while Fauci praised communications director Alyssa Farah for helping restore his media bookings. He described Michael Caputo as "a con man who is completely full of sh-t."

His relationship with President Trump, however, began warmly. Fauci recalled Trump calling him "the smartest person in the world," telling him, "We are counting on you," and appearing "enamored" with him before the relationship later deteriorated after more information came forward.

Perhaps the most unintentionally revealing entries involve Fauci marveling that Secret Service agents no longer bothered checking his credentials because they recognized him. That made him a bit moist.

"Everyone is worried about my health and welfare, probably because it is all over the place that I am almost 80 years old," he wrote.

Some people measure success by lives saved; Fauci measured it by the number of his tv appearances and whether security waves them through the front gate by recognizing him.

The diaries conclude with yet another celebrity cameo. At the 2022 Kennedy Center Honors, Fauci hugged Hunter Biden, who joked the internet "would explode" if someone photographed them together because they were both "being attacked by the far right GOP."

One almost expects the next page to include an acceptance speech thanking his agent, his stylist, and everyone who made his rise from bureaucrat to pandemic superstar possible.

Rand Paul argues the journals reveal a public official more concerned with his personal brand than the crisis facing the country. After months of negotiations broke down, Paul subpoenaed Fauci to testify before the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee.

"He’s been slow-walking information to us for six months or more," Paul said. "We’ve been negotiating over the date for several months. He agreed, then he said he wouldn’t. So, I think it’s time that we bring him in."

The American people spent the pandemic wondering whether the science was settled.

The diary suggests at least one thing certainly was.

Anthony Fauci never missed an opportunity to check whether the spotlight was still shining on Anthony Fauci.

What a dork!

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Carville Says Networks Should Have Aired Trump Speech So America Could See What CNN Sees Every Morning

James Carville has finally solved the mystery of why the legacy media should carry President Donald Trump's speeches live. Not because Americans deserve to hear their president. Not because voters can make up their own minds. No, according to the Democratic strategist, the networks should have aired it so viewers could receive the proper Commie News Network approved diagnosis.

Appearing on CNN's The Situation, Carville lamented that ABC, NBC, CNN, and the rest of the usual suspects deprived America of what he considers must see television. Others might call it "reporting the news."

"I would advise them to attack CNN, attack ABC, attack NBC, attack MS NOW, because they didn’t air the speech. And I think the President of the United States acting loonier than a tune is newsworthy. I don’t think we should have hidden that from the American people. I think it should have been blanket coverage of it. He’s literally off his rocker, and there’s no other way to describe this," he told Wolf Blitzer.

That is quite a pivot. Just hours after the media collectively decided Trump's remarks on election security were too dangerous for public consumption, one of the Democratic Party's loudest strategists complained they should have broadcast every second of it.

Apparently censorship is only a bad idea when Democrats think it will help their polling numbers.

Carville is the longtime Democratic strategist and Bill Clinton campaign advisor. He is known for his blunt, combative style, and some of the statements he has made in the past, have sparked backlash for being classist and even misogynistic and dismissive of women's claims. He has also been quite dismissive toward fellow Democrats.

In 1998 the made what is known as the "Trailer Park" comment: “If you drag a hundred-dollar bill through a trailer park, you never know what you’ll find” (or “you’ll find plenty of women to accuse Clinton of sexual harassment”). This statement was made at the height of the Paula Jones sexual harassment lawsuit and Monica Lewinsky 'Oral Office Scandal," as some have called it.

But even prior to that comment, there was the "Bimbo Eruptions" in his handling of the 1992 campaign. While he didn't make a direct quote along these lines about Bill Clinton's affairs and sexual misconduct during the presidential race, he was a central figure int the Clinton "war room" where aides (Betsey Wright, specifically) used the term "bimbo eruption. This was criticized as slut-shaming and derogatory toward women. Carville and his team had to deal with damage control.

In 2017 Carville referred to Hillary Clinton as "a little bit like the guy who killed his parents and then asked for mercy because he was an orphan." This came soonafter Clinton's 2016 election defeat to President Trump. He was criticizing her for blaming external factors (such as FBI Director James Comey’s letter and Russian interference) rather than taking full personal responsibility.

The last example I'll give is when, in 2024, Carville called to "kill the woke." In interviews around the 2024 election cycle, he stated that the party had to “kill the woke” or move away from progressive cultural priorities to focus on economic “kitchen table” issues. This obviously provoked strong backlash from progressive Democrats and activists, who viewed it as a betrayal of social justice causes, LGBTQ+ rights, and racial equity priorities. 

So James Carville is a tad touched in the head.

Wolf Blitzer looked slightly confused by the sudden outbreak of consistency and asked, "So you think we should have given him more publicity? Is that what you’re saying?"

Carville eagerly snatched a fly near his face, popped it in his mouth, and replied, "Absolutely saying that, I’m absolutely saying that. I think the decision not to air that speech by CNN and other and other networks is not being what’s really newsworthy, and that this guy’s gone."

Translation, Americans should have been trusted to watch the speech, as long as they arrived at the same conclusion CNN had already prepared for them.

Carville then continued his medical evaluation from the comfort of a television studio.

"He knows he’s going to lose, but he couldn’t explain what he was trying to do. He couldn’t execute it. Literally, the guy was literally crazy. And he just rehashed everything."

It was an impressive performance from a political consultant insisting the media should air a speech only because he was certain viewers would hate it.

The irony is hard to miss. For years, the press has insisted Americans cannot be trusted to hear certain arguments because they might be persuaded. Now Carville is arguing they should hear Trump's speech because they definitely will not be persuaded.

At least someone on CNN accidentally admitted the obvious. If Trump's speech was really as unhinged as Carville claims, why hide it? 

The only thing stranger than refusing to air it is demanding it should have been aired only after deciding in advance what everyone was supposed to think about it. That is less journalism and more Mystery Science Theater with a newsroom budget.

Journalism is dead.

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CNN Refuses To Air Trump's Election Speech After Producers Mistake Journalism For Vampire Rules

“A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.” --Mark Twain

ABC, NBC, and CNN all decided America simply could not survive the horror of hearing President Trump speak without a panel of nervous commentators interrupting every eight seconds. Apparently, allowing viewers to hear the president's election interference address unfiltered would trigger an extinction level event for democracy . . . or perhaps their own credibility.

The speech covered something that Washington has insisted everyone ignore. America's election systems remain vulnerable. Massive voter databases have been compromised. China allegedly gained access to information on at least 220 million Americans. Beijing also reportedly financed propaganda efforts through American journalists during Trump's first term.

Naturally, CNN concluded the real national security threat was letting Americans hear about any of it.

Instead, the network sprinted away from the speech like it was carrying a subpoena. This is, of course, the same network that spent years enthusiastically promoting the Russia collusion fantasy, a story that consumed the better part of Trump's first presidency before collapsing under the weight of its own fiction.

Remember when election interference was the greatest threat to civilization? Back then, every Facebook meme was apparently a Kremlin special forces operation. Fast forward ten years and election interference has magically become a conspiracy theory because Trump is talking about it. Funny how that works.

The Compromised News Network's Brian "Mr. Potato Head" Stelter accidentally summarized the entire media business model in one remarkable quote.

"Some network executives felt it would be dangerous to just air Trump's speech live, in full, unedited without knowing what he was going to say ahead of time. That's where we are in America."

Dangerous? What the heck is he talking about and how did he conclude that nonsense?

Since when did hearing a speech without a newsroom translator become hazardous? Americans somehow survive congressional hearings, award shows, and college commencement speeches every year. Surely they could endure twenty minutes of President Trump without requiring CNN to hold their hand.

The obvious answer is that viewers might actually make up their own minds. That possibility terrifies corporate media more than any foreign hacker ever could.

Mr. Potato Head continued.

"Trump's election lies led to violence."

That talking point conveniently skips over the inconvenient fact that Trump explicitly urged supporters to act peacefully and later called for the unrest on January 6 to stop. Those details rarely survive the CNN editing room because they interfere with the preferred narrative.

Curiously, none of this concern about "dangerous" speech existed while networks breathlessly reported Russia collusion claims, anonymous intelligence leaks that evaporated under scrutiny, or countless other Trump stories that proved spectacularly wrong. Apparently misinformation is perfectly safe, provided it comes with professionally lit studio cameras.

What CNN and the rest of the legacy media are really saying is simple. You are not qualified to hear information directly. You need licensed television experts to explain what you should think before your brain accidentally forms an independent opinion.

Then they insist there is no coordinated effort to shape public perception while ABC, NBC, and CNN simultaneously arrive at the exact same decision to keep viewers from hearing the President of the United States.

Quite a coincidence.

Nobody remembers these networks treating Joe Biden's speeches as too dangerous for public consumption, despite his remarkable ability to invent stories, confuse world leaders, or wander into verbal cul de sacs that left aides diving for the mute button.

In the end, America was reminded of several timeless truths. The permanent bureaucracy never really left. Questions about the 2020 election remain forbidden territory in polite media circles. The corporate press remains about as objective as a campaign commercial. Our election infrastructure still deserves scrutiny.

Yet these are the same people who assured us with straight faces that the 2020 election was the "most secure ever."

And they wonder why nobody believes them anymore.

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Sheldon Whitehouse Suddenly Became Mr. Due Process: here's why

Super Duper Over Achiever

There are few things more reliable in Washington than a Democrat discovering the importance of due process the moment the accused has a "D" next to his name. Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse apparently decided it was time to audition for the role of America's foremost legal philosopher during an appearance with the Compromised News Network's Jake Tapper.

Asked about the implosion of Graham Platner's Maine Senate campaign, Whitehouse [who will never live in his namesake residence] suddenly spoke with the solemn wisdom of a man who had just wandered out of a constitutional law seminar. Funny how that works when you're one step above plankton. 

Platner resigned only after rape allegations from Jenny Raciot became public, despite Democrats somehow managing to overlook the rather noticeable issue of the alleged Nazi oyster farmer's SS tattoo. Apparently, for some people, that was not quite enough to raise concerns. Better late than never, we suppose.

The real tell came when Whitehouse brushed aside the first accuser, Lyndsey Fifield, who happened to be a Republican. Quite the coincidence. Fifield, who for some reason was Platner's former girlfriend, alleged emotional and domestic abuse, but those accusations apparently failed the Whitehouse Test for Credibility, which seems to involve checking voter registration before listening. Forget about Platner admitted to choking the chicken in an outhouse, the left didn't care because he was their 'man.'

Even more amusing is that birdcage liner known as The New York Times managed to produce a story that centered on Fifield while somehow glossing over additional allegations and evidence she had provided. CNN later corroborated Fifield's claims, and Politico reported what the Times somehow missed, namely that Platner had also allegedly sexually assaulted other women. It turns out there was quite a bit more to the story than progressive media gatekeepers initially cared to acknowledge.

Then came Whitehouse's favorite line. As a former prosecutor, he assured viewers that due process matters.

That's almost as believable as a box of used car salesmen.

This is the same Sheldon Whitehouse who enthusiastically joined the political demolition derby against Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh, complete with endless theater about "boofing," lurid insinuations, and accusations that never produced evidence sufficient to support the central claims. The media spectacle rolled on anyway, because due process apparently takes an extended vacation whenever the target is a conservative.

To this day, there remains no evidence that Christine Blasey Ford ever met Kavanaugh.

Amazing how Whitehouse's legal standards can stretch farther than a campaign promise.

The Babylon Bee is reportedly considering naming Whitehouse its 2026 "Selective Outrage Lifetime Achievement Award" winner after judges praised his remarkable ability to discover principles only when they become politically convenient.

Small standards. Small consistency. Same old Washington.

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Ukrainian woman suspect in Monaco parcel bomb shot dead in Kyiv

Anastasiia Berezovska

Anastasiia Berezovska, is the 39-year-old Ukrainian woman suspected of planting the parcel bomb in Monaco on June 29, 2026. Unfortunately for her, she was found shot dead near Kyiv.

Some of you might not remember or know about the Monaco Bombing so I will provide the facts as we know them.

A shrapnel-packed explosive device detonated in the entrance hall of an apartment building in Monaco, seriously injuring Ukrainian-born businessman Vadym Yermolaiev (a sanctioned oligarch with reported Russia ties), his partner, and their son. Authorities described it as a targeted attack. Berezovska was seen on surveillance disguising herself as a man (heavily built, dark long-sleeved top, light shorts, black bucket hat). She fled the scene on foot, then by car to Germany.Monaco prosecutors and Interpol issued a Red Notice for her on charges including attempted murder, placing an explosive device in a public place with criminal intent, and criminal conspiracy. She was Ukrainian, spoke German, and had a tattoo. German police raided a flat linked to her.

Her body was discovered by Ukraine's Security Service (SBU) and the Prosecutor General’s Office on July 6 - 7. She suffered from gunshot wounds to the head where pistol cartridges were on the ground nearby outside Kyiv.  She had been buried and the site with torture tools was also discovered.

A serving Ukrainian military intelligence (HUR/GUR) officer confessed to killing her, along with a former law enforcement officer, who also took the law into his own hands. The officer admitted he acted on his own initiative, without informing superiors, and had prior contacts with Berezovska (including money transfers). 

The two men were detained.

No confirmed motive or direct link has been publicly established between Berezovska’s killing and the Monaco bombing’s organizers. Ukrainian officials emphasize the intelligence officer acted independently. Speculation (unconfirmed in official statements) includes possible Ukrainian intelligence ties to the original attack, given Yermolaiev’s profile and the rapid cross-border developments.

The case raises questions about internal Ukrainian dynamics and risks to sanctioned figures abroad.The bombing obviously shocked Monaco, a hub for wealthy Ukrainians and Russians and fast cars.

This remains an active investigation with cross-border elements (Monaco, Ukraine, Germany, Interpol). 

Details could evolve as more evidence emerges. 

[Sources include: BBC, Reuters, CNN, AP.]

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Mass shooter wannabe in GA, stopped by good guy citizens with guns

Jeffrey T. Kinzer

A Georgia man is sitting in jail after allegedly deciding that the proper response to a verbal argument at a family reunion was to come back dressed like he was auditioning for a low-budget militia movie and start shooting at people.

According to authorities in Lee County, deputies responded to reports of a shooting around 9:00 p.m. on Sunday, June 7. When they arrived, they found a “large gathering” and one individual suffering from a gunshot wound who was transported to a local hospital.

From the Lee County Sheriff's Office Facebook page:

“During the investigation, deputies interviewed multiple witnesses, reviewed security camera footage, and gathered physical evidence from the scene. Witnesses reported that Jeffrey Tyler Kinzer had been involved in a verbal confrontation with individuals attending a large gathering in the area. Witnesses further reported that Kinzer later returned on foot carrying an AR-style rifle and wearing body armor. Witnesses stated that Kinzer fired toward the gathering, and multiple individuals returned fire toward his location.”

Now, if you've been paying attention to the media for the last several years, you already know how this usually works. If the bad guy has a gun and innocent people are helpless victims, CNN clears the schedule, MSNBC breaks out the crying panelists, and every blue-check activist on social media starts demanding that your grandfather's squirrel rifle be outlawed by lunchtime.

But this story has one inconvenient detail the anti-gun crowd really hates: armed citizens fought back.

The “large gathering” was reportedly a family reunion, and according to witnesses, the whole thing started when Kinzer allegedly drove by yelling racial slurs.

“He’s talking junk. He started yelling the ‘N-word,’” witness Ramell Green said. “He kept going, so we let him go. We just discussed what had happened after.”

Reasonable people would probably leave it there. Allegedly, Kinzer decided to escalate things dramatically.

The homeowner said she called the Lee County Sheriff’s Office after Kinzer first left the area. About five minutes later, Kinzer and the driver reportedly returned.

Only this time, according to witnesses, Kinzer showed up wearing body armor and carrying an AR-15-style rifle.

That tends to change the mood of a family barbecue pretty quickly.

Those outside spotted him from a distance and started running for cover before shots were fired.

“...People started taking positions because they saw he had a gun. And I was in the middle of the street,” Green said. “And I grabbed my gun and started returning fire and moving with him.”

This is what regular citizens sometimes have to do when evil shows up uninvited and heavily armed.

Green said there were roughly 20 relatives outside at the time, and he was trying to protect his family members from getting slaughtered. Which, judging by the details released so far, may very well be exactly what happened.

Kinzer, referred to as 36 or 41 years old in reports, was apparently wounded during the exchange, though not seriously enough to prevent him from being treated, released, and booked into the Lee County Jail afterward. He was released on $5,000 bond the next day.

And here's where things get especially interesting.

The sheriff’s office said Kinzer “acknowledged to deputies that he had been involved in the shooting.” Authorities also indicated he wasn’t alone when he returned to the gathering, though so far he appears to be the only person arrested.

There are still major unanswered questions about the incident, including whether Kinzer bonded out and what exactly motivated him to allegedly launch what sure looks like a racially charged attack on a family gathering.

But based on the initial reports, one thing seems pretty obvious: armed family members returning fire likely prevented a far worse tragedy. Thank heaven for the Second Amendment. Which may also explain why this story hasn’t exactly become the media obsession of the week.

Think about it. If this had ended with multiple dead victims and nobody fighting back, we’d probably still be getting wall-to-wall coverage complete with dramatic music, emotional town halls, and demands for sweeping gun control legislation. Politicians would already be standing at podiums insisting that law-abiding Americans need fewer rights because a violent lunatic exists.

Instead, the story involves legally armed citizens protecting their families and stopping an alleged attacker before the body count climbed.

Funny how quickly the national press loses interest when the facts ruin the narrative.

Thank you for following Brain Flushings. Please take time to simply check out the sponsors on this page--it's one way to support my work and you don't need to purchase anything to do so. Of course, you can Buy Me A Coffee if you want to support me directly. And finally, don't be afraid to subscribe if you enjoy the blog--it's free, and worth the cost.

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Iran Mines Own Nuclear Site So Nobody Can Steal Uranium It Definitely Wasn’t Using For Nukes

TEHRAN, IRAN-- Authorities in Iran reportedly collapsed tunnels and planted mines around their bombed Isfahan nuclear complex this week in what officials described as “a completely peaceful effort” to stop American troops from confiscating uranium the regime insists is only intended for “totally normal civilian apocalypse prevention.”

According to intelligence sources cited by CNN, the Iranian regime deliberately turned the nuclear site into a live-action level of Call of Duty after President Donald Trump reportedly considered sending in forces to seize Tehran’s stash of highly enriched uranium.

Analysts say the move has complicated negotiations between Iran and the United States, mainly because it’s difficult to verify nuclear material when it’s buried beneath several tons of rubble, land mines, and decades of Islamic revolutionary paranoia.

“The fate of the enriched stockpile is one of the key issues in an emerging potential deal between Iran and the US to end the war,” officials confirmed, apparently while trying not to laugh at the phrase “potential deal with Iran.”

Former nuclear official Scott Roecker warned that the regime could now conveniently claim some uranium is impossible to recover.

“If negotiators ‘require that Iran bring the entire stockpile to a central location for verification and ultimately to remove or downblend the material,’ that would place the onus on Tehran to access and ‘provide the full inventory’ of enriched uranium,” Roecker told CNN.

But, “in this scenario, I would worry that Iran would claim that some portion of the HEU was irretrievable,” Roecker said. “We wouldn’t have full confidence that Iran couldn’t retain access to it at some point in the future.”

Experts say this would mark the first time in history Iran has hidden something underground and then acted shocked when nobody trusted them.

Meanwhile, a U.S. official insisted the developing agreement “leads to” Washington obtaining Iran’s enriched uranium stockpile.

“We provide in the agreement that this material would be destroyed on site, and then taken out of the country,” the official said, in comments interpreted by Tehran as “quick, hide the glowing barrels.”

Iran continues to deny it seeks nuclear weapons despite enriching uranium to near weapons-grade levels while regularly chanting for the destruction of Israel, threatening America, and behaving exactly like every Bond villain nation ever written.

Last month, an Israeli military official warned that failing to recover the uranium would make the entire war “one big failure,” a statement immediately condemned by Western academics who clarified that the real failure would be hurting the feelings of Iran’s Supreme Leader.

The broader conflict has already rattled global markets after Iran blockaded the Strait of Hormuz and began harassing commercial shipping while charging tolls like a heavily armed E-ZPass lane run by jihadists.

In response, the U.S. blockaded Iranian oil exports, causing panic among European leaders who briefly considered switching from electric vehicles back to bicycles and emotional support candles.

The U.S. military also announced Saturday that American forces had “downed” several Iranian drones targeting commercial ships in the Strait of Hormuz.

“Iran launched multiple one-way attack drones in an attempt to strike commercial ships transiting the Strait of Hormuz,” U.S. Central Command posted on X.

CENTCOM further insisted that the strait “remains open for transit,” provided ships don’t mind dodging missiles, drones, mines, pirate states, and CNN fact-checkers, which is an oxymoron.

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Trump says the 'infamous' Tren de Aragua honcho was blown to smithereens in US strike

President Donald Trump announced Friday night that the U.S. military had successfully introduced the leader of Tren de Aragua to the “find out” stage of foreign policy, proving once again that the “peace through strength” doctrine hits a little differently when the peace is delivered at Mach 2 with shock and awe.

According to Trump, the U.S. Southern Command “delivered a swift and lethal kinetic strike” that transformed Hector Rusthenford Guerrero Flores into kibbles and bits. He was also known as Niño Guerrero, the “infamous” leader of Tren de Aragua, a gang that somehow managed to make MS,13 look like a church softball league.

The U.S. Department of State had previously offered up to a $5 million reward for the Venezuelan gangster’s arrest or conviction, though apparently the Pentagon decided it was cheaper to skip the extradition paperwork and go straight to the fireworks finale.

"Before I returned to office, Joe Biden opened our Southern Border to millions of Illegal Criminals, and allowed this foreign army to rape, maim, and murder American Citizens with total impunity," Trump wrote on Truth Social. "During my Campaign, I pledged to expel these monsters from our Country, and bring Justice to the families of those they slaughtered, including the precious 12-year-old Jocelyn Nungaray, 22-year-old Laken Reilly, and countless other beautiful souls."

Somewhere deep inside CNN headquarters, producers reportedly scrambled to locate an expert willing to explain why vaporizing cartel terrorists is actually problematic for democracy.

Trump said Friday’s strike delivered long overdue justice.

"With Friday's action, the U.S. military has brought retribution for them, their families, and their loved ones."

Translation: the “mostly peaceful transnational gang” narrative just took a direct hit.

"Early in my Administration, I delivered on my promise to designate Tren de Aragua as a Foreign Terrorist Organization, deport thousands of evil criminals, and wage war against the Cartels, who have long been waging war against our Citizens, while weak leaders left America helpless and defensive," Trump wrote.

The president also released video footage of the strike, giving Americans their first opportunity in years to watch the federal government target criminals instead of grandparents who wandered too close to the Capitol velvet ropes.

"This action was coordinated closely with our friends in Venezuela, with whom we are working very well," he continued. "As a result, Tren de Aragua terrorists no longer have safe haven in Venezuela or anywhere else and, under my leadership, we will find these vicious murderers and drugs lords anytime, anyplace, and send them to the depths of hell where they belong."

Progressives immediately condemned the operation as an outrageous escalation against an underserved cultural enrichment organization.

Tren de Aragua began as a prison gang in Venezuela before expanding into a sprawling criminal empire tied to extortion, trafficking, kidnapping, illegal mining, and enough brutality to make Gotham City look properly governed. U.S. officials say Guerrero expanded the gang’s influence while incarcerated in Tocorón Prison, where inmates apparently enjoyed amenities usually reserved for luxury resorts and California shoplifters.

Authorities said the gang eventually seized effective control over the prison, nearby gold mines, drug corridors along the Caribbean coast, and border crossings between Venezuela and Colombia. In other words, they built the kind of diversified operation most ESG consultants can only dream about.

Meanwhile, MS Now contributors were reportedly preparing a heartfelt panel discussion titled “Was Niño Guerrero Misunderstood?” complete with solemn violin music and a segment blaming climate change.

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Trump Pauses Iran Strikes, Believes A Deal is Imminent

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After spending the morning threatening to turn Iran’s military infrastructure into a parking lot, President Trump abruptly announced Thursday afternoon that peace was back on the menu and the whole thing was “all wrapped up,” proving once again that Middle East diplomacy now operates like a New York real estate negotiation conducted entirely through Truth Social posts.

“We have a deal,” Trump reportedly told aides moments after allegedly green-lighting, canceling, then re-green-lighting a plan to seize Iran’s Kharg Island before finally deciding he preferred making headlines instead.

“Based on the fact that discussions with the Islamic Republic of Iran have been brought to the highest level of Iranian leadership and approved, I have, as President of the United States of America, cancelled the scheduled strikes and bombings against Iran this evening,” Trump posted on Truth Social.

“Discussions and final points have been, in both concept and great detail, approved by all parties involved, including the United States, Israel, Saudi Arabia, UAE, Qatar, Turkey, Pakistan, Bahrain, Kuwait, Jordan, Egypt, and others.”

Sources inside Washington confirmed several Pentagon officials were informed of the cancellation only after seeing the president’s post sandwiched between advertisements for gold coins and pillows.

The agreement reportedly includes reopening the Strait of Hormuz, renewed nuclear negotiations, and what experts are calling “the annual Middle East ceasefire that lasts somewhere between four hours and two weeks.”

“It’s pretty much all wrapped up,” Trump told The Post in a phone call that insiders say lasted roughly the same amount of time as one of his golf putts.

The sudden diplomatic breakthrough came just hours after Trump warned Iran he would strike them “VERY HARD TONIGHT” and floated plans to take over Kharg Island and “assume total control of their Oil and Gas Markets.”

“At some point in the not too distant future, we will be taking Kharg Island, and other oil infrastructure points, and assume total control of their Oil and Gas Markets, much like we have with Venezuela,” Trump wrote earlier Thursday morning, causing cable news producers nationwide to begin hyperventilating into paper bags.

Trump later explained that conquering the island remained his preferred option.

“We ⁠are talking ⁠to them, and all, but you know, ⁠look, my preference has always been — take ⁠Kharg Island … my preference would be that,” he said on “Fox and Friends.”

“⁠I don’t know that America has the stomach for it.”

Political analysts immediately translated the statement to mean, “Trump still wants the win, but he also remembers Americans get cranky when their sons are deployed to defend democracy in places they can’t find on a map.”

Meanwhile, Iran appeared to respond to the agreement with the traditional diplomatic strategy of denying the agreement exists at all.

“An informed source told FNA Iran has not approved any draft agreement or initial memorandum with the US, contradicting President Donald Trump’s claim that Tehran agreed to a finalized text,” Iran’s Fars News Agency posted to X.

Observers noted this marks approximately the 38th time Trump has declared an Iran deal “close,” though supporters insist that unlike previous administrations, at least this time America bombed something before negotiating.

At press time, CNN was reportedly preparing a seven-part special explaining why peace in the Middle East is actually bad news for democracy.

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President Trump warns that the US is "very close" to making Iran's infrastructure a smoking crater

FRISCO, TX — President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that the United States is now “very close” to replacing Iran’s infrastructure with a large smoking crater after the regime allegedly spent months “tap, tap, tapping” its way through negotiations like a telemarketer trying to extend your car warranty. Is anyone really surprised?

“I may keep going,” Trump told Fox News correspondent Trey Yingst. “They had a chance to sign a deal and survive.”

According to administration officials, Iran reportedly believed it could stall talks indefinitely by recycling the same strategy it used on previous American presidents: smile politely, drag things out for years, collect pallets of cash, and wait for CNN and MS Now to explain why America is the real aggressor and Trump is a bad man.

Unfortunately for Tehran, they are no longer negotiating with the foreign policy genius who gave them the JCPOA and a free pass to chant “Death to America” between uranium enrichment sessions.

“We hit them hard yesterday, and we're going to hit them again hard today,” Trump told reporters at the White House. “And we'll see what happens with the deal. We were really close to a deal, but they keep tapping us along. They keep playing us for suckers because you know what? They dealt with some very stupid Presidents.”

I can't imagine who he is referring to.  

Trump later clarified that by “very stupid Presidents,” he was referring to any commander in chief who thought the Iranian regime could be bribed into becoming Sweden.

“It was just tap, tap, tap,” Trump said. “I don't know what they are doing.”

Sources close to the administration confirmed Iran’s negotiating strategy largely consisted of pretending to compromise while enriching uranium and funding every terrorist organization west of the moon.

Trump also blasted Barack Obama’s nuclear agreement with Iran, calling it “the worst deal.”

“We want a deal that is meaningful, a deal that works. We don't want a Barack Hussein Obama deal, JCPOA, the worst deal,” Trump said, making sure we remember Obama's Islamic-sounding name. “That was a path to a nuclear weapon.”

Political analysts say Democrats were deeply troubled by Trump’s comments because they prefer their hostile Islamist regimes “stable, respected, and flush with American cash.”

Trump warned that a nuclear Iran would spell disaster for the region.

“If they had a nuclear weapon, there would be no Israel, there would be no Middle East, and they would have absolutely shot at us,” Trump continued.

Meanwhile, Trump casually revealed that the U.S. military has apparently been vaporizing Iran’s oil operations while most corporate media outlets remained busy fact-checking whether Trump used an improper verb tense during a rally speech.

“Did you know we've been taking out millions of barrels of oil?” Trump asked. “Nobody knows it. You know who doesn't know about it? Iran. Until right now. We took out, the other night, 22 ships.”

Pentagon officials later confirmed the administration had also launched a secret mission protecting ships through the Strait of Hormuz, resulting in over 100 million barrels of oil reaching global markets safely.

“This wildly successful effort is because the UNITED STATES of AMERICA CONTROLS the Strait of Hormuz — NOT Iran,” Trump wrote on Truth Social. “Their military is defeated, and their economy is lost. It’s over for Iran!”

The Communist News Network [CNN] reportedly responded to the post by immediately assembling a panel of former Obama officials to explain why controlling a strategic global oil route is actually problematic for democracy.

The conflict escalated after CENTCOM launched “self-defense” strikes against Iranian military targets following the downing of a U.S. Apache helicopter near the Strait of Hormuz.

Trump described the rescue of the helicopter pilots as “a miracle,” explaining that an Iranian drone became lodged in the aircraft during the attack.

“It was on fire, it was hot,” Trump said, sounding almost as if he was feeling the heat.

Military experts confirmed this still remains significantly less uncomfortable than sitting through a State Department briefing under the Biden administration.

Iranian officials responded to Trump’s comments by vowing they would “respond to threats accordingly,” which analysts translated loosely as “angrily issuing statements before another military facility explodes mysteriously overnight.”

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth also warned Iran against escalating the conflict further.

“President Trump is seeking a deal,” Hegseth said. “But not just a deal, a great deal on behalf of the American people so that Iran never gets a nuclear weapon.”

At press time, European leaders were reportedly urging “restraint” while quietly hoping the United States continues doing all the work.

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Race hustlers have a new cause to rant about: Karmelo Anthony's verdict by an "all-white jury"

FRISCO, TX — America’s professional outrage industry went into full DEFCON 1 Tuesday after a Texas jury took approximately the length of a Chick-fil-A drive-thru order to convict Karmelo Anthony of murder, prompting activists to declare the verdict proof that the nation remains irredeemably racist.

Anthony was convicted for fatally stabbing high school athlete Austin Metcalf at a 2025 track meet after what witnesses described as a brief dispute that could have ended with literally anyone just walking away. Instead, Anthony reportedly chose the “escalate directly to homicide” option.

Video footage showed Anthony refusing repeated requests to leave the opposing team’s tent before pulling out a knife and turning a teenage argument into an episode of “Law & Order: Critical Race Unit.”

Naturally, race hustler activists immediately clarified that the real victim here was the guy holding the knife.

Dallas activist and Next Generation Action Network founder Dominique Alexander condemned the verdict as “flawed” and “unjust,” warning that “Black America should be very upset about what went on today.”

According to Alexander, the conviction proves that “black lives do not matter in the criminal justice system,” apparently because juries are now expecting people not to stab other people to death at school sporting events.

Alexander also insisted he was not “playing the race card,” moments before unfolding the race card, laminating it, and slamming it onto the table hard enough to crack the wood.

Meanwhile, self-proclaimed “Prince of Pan-Africanism” Dr. Umar Johnson compared the case to the Dred Scott decision because apparently every criminal conviction involving a black defendant is now legally equivalent to antebellum slavery.

Johnson declared on Instagram that Anthony had been “lynched by an all-white jury,” despite the inconvenient detail that the case involved a public trial, defense attorneys, evidence, witnesses, and significantly fewer ropes than most lynchings historically featured.

Celebrity race hustler attorney Ben Crump also weighed in, saying the case raises “hard questions about fairness, justice, and whose actions earn the benefit of understanding.”

Many observers agreed the question was indeed difficult, particularly the part where one teenager stabbed another teenager in the chest and then activists spent months explaining why society should be more understanding about it.

CNN contributor Areva Martin argued the verdict “raises questions” and predicted appeals related to the exclusion of black jurors.

“Faith in our courts requires more than a conviction or an acquittal,” Martin said. “It requires confidence that every defendant was afforded a fair trial.”

Critics noted that the defendant did, in fact, receive a fair trial, complete with attorneys, evidence review, witness testimony, and the radical legal principle that murder is generally frowned upon.

Martin also defended Anthony’s actions by suggesting he feared for his life, despite testimony that Metcalf explicitly said he did not want to fight him.

Legal scholars confirmed this marks the first known case where hearing “I don’t want to fight” was interpreted as an imminent threat requiring immediate stabbing.

Not every black commentator joined the outrage parade, however. Judge Glenda Hatchett said she saw no “basis for self-defense” and questioned why Anthony simply didn’t leave the tent when asked.

“He was not supposed to be in the tent,” Hatchett said. “He was asked to leave the tent. Why not just leave the tent?”

Civil rights leaders across the country immediately condemned Hatchett for recklessly introducing personal responsibility into the conversation.

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Congress Forced To Pause Entire Government After Rashida Tlaib Suffers Severe Emotional Damage From Mean Words

Tlaib famously able to touch her nose with her lips

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. House of Representatives was thrown into a veritable clusterfrack this week after Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-MI), reportedly suffered a critical outbreak of democracy when Rep. Max Miller (R-OH), said things out loud that weren’t pre-approved by congressional sensitivity coordinators.

The dramatic scene unfolded during debate over a Lebanon war powers resolution, where Tlaib accused Israel of committing atrocities while demanding the United States stop supporting America’s closest ally in the Middle East.

"We must end U.S. participation in the Israeli apartheid regime’s invasion of Lebanon. The Israeli military continues to target journalists like Amal Khalil and use our tax dollars to commit war crimes," said Tlaib.

At that point, Miller apparently made the grave error of responding.

"Its members are butchers that you like to hang out with to a certain extent," charged Miller. "Yes, you advocate for terrorists on a daily basis. You advocate for a terrorist regime every single day."

Witnesses say the Capitol immediately entered DEFCON 1 after a Republican criticized a Democrat too directly.

Tlaib reportedly shouted across the chamber, though congressional stenographers were unable to translate the remarks because they were delivered at the frequency usually associated with malfunctioning smoke detectors.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Are we getting a little emotional?" chided Miller.

Congressional sources confirmed this sentence caused more destruction to the institution than the national debt, insider trading, and 40 years of continuing resolutions combined.

Rep. Jay Obernolte (R-CA) desperately attempted to restore order before the House descended into full therapy session.

"Colleagues, this is a serious topic. We will debate it respectfully and deliberately," admonished Obernolte.

Tlaib then invoked the sacred congressional ritual known as "words taken down," a process originally created so lawmakers could survive exposure to opposing opinions.

"Yes, Mr. Speaker, I am. That is a direct attack on my character. I please request to strike the words down," said Tlaib.

The House immediately suspended all legislative activity while officials launched an emergency investigation into whether anyone’s feelings had been insufficiently validated.

For nearly an hour, Congress halted debate, amendments, and votes to determine whether Miller’s remarks violated the chamber’s strict rules prohibiting members from saying what everyone just heard them say.

Eventually, Obernolte ruled against Miller.

"The words of the gentleman from Ohio contain an allegation that the gentlewoman from Michigan is a ‘butcher’ and affiliated with a terrorist organization," said Obernolte. "Such remarks impugn the patriotism and loyalty of the member of the House."

The ruling effectively sentenced Miller to congressional solitary confinement for the remainder of the day, though lawmakers noted that punishment still falls short of forcing him to watch MSNBC.

But Republicans were not backing down.

House Foreign Affairs Committee Chairman Brian Mast (R-FL) delivered a message from Miller after House leadership confiscated his speaking privileges like a middle-school principal taking away a vape pen.

"‘Yes, I said it. I own it. And I stand by it,’" Mast declared.

Mast then attempted to enter articles regarding Tlaib’s alleged associations into the congressional record, but Tlaib objected faster than CNN fact-checkers during a Trump speech.

Meanwhile, lawmakers also discussed whether artificial intelligence could someday referee congressional disputes.

"AI is actually very good at this," said Obernolte. "You give it a rules manual and then you give it a specific instance and say ‘Is this in compliance with rules or is this a violation of the rules?’"

Experts agreed Congress would likely embrace AI immediately once they discovered it could automatically censor Republicans without requiring overtime from parliamentary staff.

At press time, House Democrats were reportedly drafting new rules prohibiting "microaggressions," "hostile eye contact," and "excessive disagreement."

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