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Maine Democrat Graham Platner is already running the sort of campaign that makes party strategists stare blankly into the middle distance while whispering, “Maybe we should have nominated literally anyone else.” Between allegations of emotional abuse, Nazi tattoos, racist Reddit posts, sexting scandals, and whatever fresh horror is scheduled to drop before lunch, the Platner campaign has become less of a Senate run and more of a live-action remake of a burning dumpster rolling downhill into a fireworks factory.
But now attention is shifting to Platner’s top aide, Morris Katz, who has reportedly inspired widespread panic among Democratic operatives after responding to the campaign crisis with the calm professionalism of a raccoon trapped inside a Chili’s kitchen.
Katz attempted to defend Platner by arguing that all these scandals prove the candidate is “authentic,” as in an authentic Nazi, which is a bold strategy considering most voters do not define authenticity as “possessing a complete archive of career-ending behavior.”
Sources say the campaign briefly considered rebranding Platner as “a flawed but relatable human being,” before focus groups reportedly asked whether relatable humans normally have Nazi tattoos and leaked sexts floating around state politics circles.
When the sexting scandal exploded, Katz reportedly melted down and declared the exposure of Platner’s marriage problems was unfair and inappropriate, prompting veteran political consultants to gently explain that modern campaigns now treat human shame as a renewable energy source . . . except when it comes to Republicans.
Former Platner staffer Genevieve McDonald has become the campaign’s designated villain after allegedly leaking details of the sexting scandal. Her departure from the campaign came after Platner’s old Reddit posts surfaced, revealing racist and misogynistic remarks that apparently tested even Maine Democrats’ impressive tolerance for chaos, communism, anti-Semitism, and stupidity.
According to New York Magazine, Democratic strategists are now openly discussing whether images of Platner’s twigs and berries are destined to become the defining visual of the campaign season, a sentence that has likely caused several Maine voters to begin researching remote cabins in the Yukon.
“I am sure all of the other Democratic campaign consultants in New York are absolutely salivating at this,” said Mike Murphy, a top aide to both John McCain and Mitt Romney and a regular on the Sunday talk-show circuit. “You do a campaign in New York, which is the absolute nerve center of Democratic politics, and it works out, anything you do after is going to get a ton of attention and you get too much credit for what you do right and too much blame for what goes wrong.”
Translation: Katz briefly became the Democrats’ hot new wunderkind before discovering that fame in politics lasts approximately fourteen minutes and usually ends with leaked screenshots.
McDonald says Katz attempted to pressure her into retracting comments made to reporters after The Wall Street Journal contacted the campaign. According to her Facebook post, “After WSJ reached out to the Platner campaign for comment, Morris Katz demanded that I call the WSJ, retract my comments, tell them their reporting was inaccurate and send him a recording of the call.”
Political strategists reportedly reacted to this revelation the same way air traffic controllers react to hearing “What does this button do?” over the cockpit radio.
The Bangor Daily News reported Katz also warned McDonald that “If the story goes in its current iteration we’ll communicate directly on the record, and by name, that Genevieve violated the personal trust of Amy and Graham and shared explicit falsehoods to sabotage the campaign.”
Democratic consultants across New York allegedly cringed so hard upon reading the text that several suffered minor spinal injuries.
“First of all, you never put that kind of thing in a text message,” said one New York strategist. “And second of all, you never have a man do it.”
Added another strategist, “I think at some point you just have to realize that the person you are dealing with on the other side is not listening to reason and you have to cut bait and figure out how to respond.”
At this stage, many Democrats appear less concerned with winning the Senate seat than with preventing the Platner campaign from evolving into an eight-part Netflix documentary titled Too Online To Govern.
Katz and his fellow political wunderkinds reportedly still believe Platner remains an elite political talent after helping win a New York City mayoral race, which critics note is roughly equivalent to claiming strategic genius for successfully ordering coffee in Brooklyn while wearing a Che Guevara shirt.
And now, with rumors swirling that even more explicit material could emerge, party insiders are reportedly bracing for impact like passengers aboard a budget airline flight operated entirely by interns.
“Are we going to see pictures of Graham Platner’s penis before this is all over?” asked one strategist. “I think we almost certainly will.”
At press time, Democratic officials were reportedly attempting to replace the entire campaign with a moderately friendly houseplant and name it Joe.
When the sexting scandal exploded, Katz reportedly melted down and declared the exposure of Platner’s marriage problems was unfair and inappropriate, prompting veteran political consultants to gently explain that modern campaigns now treat human shame as a renewable energy source . . . except when it comes to Republicans.
Former Platner staffer Genevieve McDonald has become the campaign’s designated villain after allegedly leaking details of the sexting scandal. Her departure from the campaign came after Platner’s old Reddit posts surfaced, revealing racist and misogynistic remarks that apparently tested even Maine Democrats’ impressive tolerance for chaos, communism, anti-Semitism, and stupidity.
According to New York Magazine, Democratic strategists are now openly discussing whether images of Platner’s twigs and berries are destined to become the defining visual of the campaign season, a sentence that has likely caused several Maine voters to begin researching remote cabins in the Yukon.
“I am sure all of the other Democratic campaign consultants in New York are absolutely salivating at this,” said Mike Murphy, a top aide to both John McCain and Mitt Romney and a regular on the Sunday talk-show circuit. “You do a campaign in New York, which is the absolute nerve center of Democratic politics, and it works out, anything you do after is going to get a ton of attention and you get too much credit for what you do right and too much blame for what goes wrong.”
Translation: Katz briefly became the Democrats’ hot new wunderkind before discovering that fame in politics lasts approximately fourteen minutes and usually ends with leaked screenshots.
McDonald says Katz attempted to pressure her into retracting comments made to reporters after The Wall Street Journal contacted the campaign. According to her Facebook post, “After WSJ reached out to the Platner campaign for comment, Morris Katz demanded that I call the WSJ, retract my comments, tell them their reporting was inaccurate and send him a recording of the call.”
Political strategists reportedly reacted to this revelation the same way air traffic controllers react to hearing “What does this button do?” over the cockpit radio.
The Bangor Daily News reported Katz also warned McDonald that “If the story goes in its current iteration we’ll communicate directly on the record, and by name, that Genevieve violated the personal trust of Amy and Graham and shared explicit falsehoods to sabotage the campaign.”
Democratic consultants across New York allegedly cringed so hard upon reading the text that several suffered minor spinal injuries.
“First of all, you never put that kind of thing in a text message,” said one New York strategist. “And second of all, you never have a man do it.”
Added another strategist, “I think at some point you just have to realize that the person you are dealing with on the other side is not listening to reason and you have to cut bait and figure out how to respond.”
At this stage, many Democrats appear less concerned with winning the Senate seat than with preventing the Platner campaign from evolving into an eight-part Netflix documentary titled Too Online To Govern.
Katz and his fellow political wunderkinds reportedly still believe Platner remains an elite political talent after helping win a New York City mayoral race, which critics note is roughly equivalent to claiming strategic genius for successfully ordering coffee in Brooklyn while wearing a Che Guevara shirt.
And now, with rumors swirling that even more explicit material could emerge, party insiders are reportedly bracing for impact like passengers aboard a budget airline flight operated entirely by interns.
“Are we going to see pictures of Graham Platner’s penis before this is all over?” asked one strategist. “I think we almost certainly will.”
At press time, Democratic officials were reportedly attempting to replace the entire campaign with a moderately friendly houseplant and name it Joe.
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