Communist candidate runs out of live interview when asked about her social media history, wins nomination anyway

Newly minted socialist congressional candidate Darializa Avila Chevalier dramatically walked out of a radio interview Tuesday after hosts had the audacity to ask her about the mountain of unhinged social media posts that have defined her campaign against New York Democratic Rep. Adriano Espaillat.

Just hours after bolting from the live Spanish-language station La Mega like a student fleeing a pop quiz, Comrade Avila Chevalier pulled off a stunning upset by defeating the five-term incumbent and Congressional Hispanic Caucus chair in New York's deep-blue 13th District, which covers chunks of Manhattan and the Bronx. 

The win sends this DSA darling straight to Congress, where she will almost certainly be sworn in come November to represent the very voters she once lectured about the evils of nationalism.

Backed by socialist anti-Zionist/anti-Semitist New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani and the Democratic Socialists [aka Communists] of America, Avila Chevalier had zero interest in answering questions on primary Election Day about her colorful history of archived, now-deleted posts. Those greatest hits include trashing Democratic leaders, demanding the abolition of police and prisons, opposing all deportations, and hurling various rhetorical grenades at U.S. institutions and foreign policy. Other than that, she's as sweet as apple pie.

Oh, wait. 

She also spearheaded anti-Israel protests at Columbia University and hung around with a campus crew that openly cheered "Death to America." Because nothing says "future congresswoman" than calling for the death of the nation in which you choose to run for public office.

The backlash reached new heights over her bizarre takes on Dominican nationalism. 

In old posts, she refused to fly the Dominican flag on her profile because, unlike calling for death to America, she considered nationalism "violent." This landed especially well in her heavily Dominican-American district, where locals began wondering if their candidate actually likes the culture she wants to represent.

When radio hosts tried to give her a chance to address the Dominican community before polls closed, Avila Chevalier pivoted straight into unity mode. She said she felt bad about her old tweets in a general, non-specific way and that it was time to come together and fight for the important things. Pressed on the flag controversy, she insisted she wanted to talk about "the issues impacting residents of New York 13" instead. When a third host kept pushing, she snapped that she was not going to sit there and be yelled at, declared she had already addressed it, wished everyone a beautiful day, yanked off her headphones, and marched out of the studio.

Truth being, she was scared to deal with her own words.

The old social media dumpster fire has been the central drama of the Democratic primary, with Avila Chevalier claiming the scrutiny distracts from the real issues and insisting she has evolved since posting all that stuff. She has apologized for some of the rhetoric, including shots at former Vice President Kamala Harris, but she still proudly defends her belief that "all deportations are wrong." Opponents have pointed out that this might be a problem for voters who prefer not having open borders as official policy.

In the end, none of it mattered much in one of America's bluest districts. The controversy simply tested whether voters would overlook a trail of radical statements in favor of fresh socialist promises. They did. Congratulations to the newest member of Congress. America surely cannot wait, and will get what they voted for . . . good and hard.

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Bennett Reveals Israel Almost Installed Nationwide Iranian Wi-Fi Before Government Accidentally Forgot To Topple Regime

JERUSALEM, ISRAEL — Former Prime Minister Naftali Bennett revealed Tuesday that Israel was once on the verge of doing what generations of foreign policy experts only dreamed of: overthrowing the Ayatollah with better internet service.

Speaking at the JNS International Policy Summit in Jerusalem, Bennett said his government launched a daring operation to smuggle thousands of Elon Musk's Starlink receivers into Iran, hoping that unlimited access to social media would finally accomplish what sanctions, diplomacy, and decades of regional conflict could not. [Although, arming the Iranian citizens might also go a long way.]

Bennett explained that he initiated a "process of acquiring and smuggling into Iran tens of thousands of Starlink receptors that would allow continuity of the internet and social networks."

According to Bennett, the devices were intended to ensure Iranian protesters could continue posting revolutionary hashtags, uploading anti-regime TikToks, and sharing memes mocking their rulers even during government internet shutdowns.

The plan, however, met an unexpected obstacle: the Israeli government.

"Unfortunately, the current incompetent Israeli government stopped doing that," Bennett said. "And when the protest happened, that infrastructure was not there."

Political analysts noted that the revelation marks the first documented case of a Middle Eastern regime change effort being delayed by a shortage of Wi-Fi routers.

Starlink, operated by Elon Musk's SpaceX, has long been viewed by authoritarian governments as a dangerous threat because it allows citizens to access information without first obtaining approval from whichever supreme leader happens to be in charge. Iranian officials have repeatedly accused Israel and the United States of smuggling the devices into the country, apparently fearing that unrestricted internet access could expose citizens to such dangerous concepts as reality.

While Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's office did not immediately respond to Bennett's criticism, insiders suggested staff members were busy trying to determine whether toppling a hostile theocracy counts as infrastructure spending.

SpaceX also declined to comment, though observers speculated Musk was occupied posting about Mars, artificial intelligence, or both simultaneously.

Iranian authorities have frequently shut down internet access during periods of unrest, forcing many citizens to choose between protesting the regime and endlessly watching buffering icons. Previous reports indicated some Iranians successfully turned to Starlink during blackouts, proving once again that satellite internet can travel where government competence cannot.

Bennett, who is positioning himself as a potential challenger to Netanyahu in the next election, [which may be why he is now calling the Israeli government 'incompetent'] promised that a future government under his leadership would pursue more aggressive efforts to undermine Tehran's rulers.

Sources say Bennett's updated strategy may include economic sabotage, industrial disruption, and the revolutionary concept of letting dissidents stay connected long enough to finish a group chat.

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JD Vance Announces New Side Hustle Selling Extended Warranty Plans For Iranian Regime

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice President JD Vance reportedly unveiled a groundbreaking new foreign policy doctrine this week in which America protects Iran from consequences, scolds Israel for noticing, and calls it peace.

According to administration officials, Vance has assumed the role of chief life insurance salesman for the world's most resilient theocracy, offering what critics describe as a platinum-level protection package for the Ayatollah and friends.

The agreement, allegedly negotiated from the comfort of a luxurious Swiss resort, would provide Tehran with enough economic assistance to ensure that every government official can continue enjoying the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed.

Witnesses say Vance sat across from representatives of the Islamic Republic and enthusiastically celebrated what supporters are calling "a bold new vision" and critics are calling "the geopolitical equivalent of giving your car keys to the guy who just stole your wallet."

At one point, Vance reportedly praised President Trump for his willingness to see "a Middle East that operates much differently ten years from now than it did ten years ago."

Analysts confirmed that this is technically true. So, instead of simple beheadings of those who 'insult' the religion of peace, they now will shoot or bomb their enemies if only they can get a nuke to do the job.

Under the proposed arrangement, Iran would receive sanctions relief, access to frozen assets, and a massive reconstruction fund in exchange for assurances that everything will probably work out fine.

Sources say administration officials became annoyed when skeptics demanded written guarantees.

Vance reportedly reassured reporters that spoken promises were sufficient, explaining that hostile revolutionary regimes are generally known for their strict commitment to honesty, transparency, and keeping their word. Um . . . duh.

Meanwhile, Israeli officials who expressed concern over the arrangement were reportedly invited to participate in a special diplomatic exercise known as "being lectured" by those who wish to kill them.

During one exchange, Vance allegedly instructed Israeli leaders to "wake up and smell the reality" while simultaneously reminding them who pays many of the bills.

Observers noted that this marked the first time in history that a nation fighting multiple Iranian-backed terrorist groups was informed that the real problem was its attitude.

The administration also expressed frustration that Israel continued targeting Hezbollah commanders instead of focusing on the more important task of helping diplomats meet quarterly peace process benchmarks.

According to sources, Hezbollah was relieved to learn that military realities would henceforth be subordinate to conference schedules.

Critics further objected when Israeli security officials warned that the agreement could leave Iran dangerously close to nuclear capability. But Vance reportedly dismissed such concerns as an "odd freakout" fueled by excessive worry.

Residents of Israel responded by apologizing for their irrational tendency to become nervous whenever a regime that repeatedly threatens their destruction gets access to billions of dollars. What could possibly go wrong for them?

Conservative commentator Mark Levin was among those criticizing the framework, arguing that it seemed strangely uninterested in the Iranian people themselves.

For years, Iranian dissidents have risked imprisonment, torture, and death to challenge the regime. Critics say the new approach instead rewards the government they oppose while offering freedom activists the traditional State Department package of strongly worded concern.

Experts describe the emerging strategy as one in which American foreign policy becomes dependent upon the continued stability and prosperity of the very regime it once identified as a threat.

Supporters insist this is realism. Critics insist it is appeasement.

The Cardboard gay Ayatollah reportedly insists it is working out great.

At press time, officials announced plans for a follow-up agreement in which North Korea receives a $200 billion democracy promotion grant in exchange for promising to think about behaving better someday.

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UPDATE: Montreal police officer, suspect, and civilian confirmed dead in Côte-des-Neiges shooting in a gun-free zone

Canada got another grim reminder Monday that violent crime does not stop at the border.

A deadly shooting in the highly Jewish area in Montreal's Côte-des-Neiges district left three people dead, including a police officer and a civilian, after a gunman opened fire from a hotel. Authorities say the suspect, armed with a long gun, was also killed during the incident.

Montreal Police Chief Fady Dagher confirmed that a second officer suffered serious injuries but remains in stable condition. Officials have not yet determined who fired the shot that killed the civilian.

The chaos began around 11:35 a.m. when someone called 911 to report a man sticking a firearm out of a window at the Hilton hotel. Responding officers quickly came under fire upon arrival.

"It’s a very, very sad day," Dagher told reporters. "It’s a nightmare."

The police chief noted that it has been 24 years since a Montreal police officer was killed in the line of duty. It isn't known exactly how many years or hours have gone by since Jews were targeted.

Authorities issued a citywide emergency alert urging residents to shelter in place, lock their doors, and stay away from windows while police secured the area. The alert remained active for several hours before being lifted shortly after 3 p.m.

Witnesses described a scene that rapidly descended into panic.

"When the first round of shots went off, we thought it was construction because there’s two big construction sites in the area," said local resident Brandon Benchimol-Elkaim. "In the park that’s in between the complex, parents were yanking their kids off of the park play structure and running. So something didn’t feel right."

Moments later, he said, the true nature of the situation became impossible to ignore.

"Right outside our window, we saw them going into the grocery store, guns drawn, hiding behind cars and SWAT team arrived shortly after. And since then, it’s been a ghost town out here."

The neighborhood, known for its dense mix of residential buildings, businesses, and diverse communities, was effectively locked down as police conducted their operation. Quebec transportation officials closed portions of the Décarie Expressway and other major routes, while significant sections of two Montreal metro lines were also shut down.

Public Security Minister Ian Lafrenière expressed sympathy for the victims and their families but declined to comment further on the police response, citing his previous service with the Montreal police force.

Investigators are still working to determine what motivated the attack. Officials believe the suspect acted alone and have found no evidence suggesting a second shooter was involved.

The investigation remains ongoing. 

The identity of the now dead shooter has not been made public.

Update: The killed civilian was identified as Rabbi Michael Moshe Mizrahi, a Jewish local and member of the local Chabad center, the Jewish organization announced.

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Chicago Celebrates Juneteenth With Traditional Weekend Of Ignoring Crime Until Trump Mentions It

CHICAGO, IL — City leaders proudly wrapped up another Juneteenth weekend by assuring residents that reports of multiple shootings, several deaths, and dozens of injuries were largely a right-wing conspiracy, right up until President Donald Trump pointed them out on social media.

The Windy City experienced a violent weekend that left several people dead and dozens more injured, prompting Trump to once again offer federal assistance. Local officials immediately dismissed the suggestion as a greater threat than the actual gunfire.

"Lots of Killing going on in Chicago," Trump wrote on Truth Social. "Why isn’t Governor Pritzker calling me for help. I could make Chicago a safe City in ONE MONTH, in ONE YEAR, it would be one of the safest!!!"

Witnesses reported hearing gunshots throughout the weekend, though city officials clarified that what residents thought were bullets were actually "sounds of vibrant urban culture."

Among the incidents was a drive-by shooting that sent multiple victims to the hospital. Additional shootings continued throughout the weekend, while city leaders worked tirelessly to ensure no one accidentally connected the violence to public policy.

A 14-year-old boy was also killed earlier in the week, prompting heartfelt tributes from his youth football team, which released a statement saying that "there are no words that can ease the pain of a loss like this."

Trump contrasted Chicago's situation with Washington, D.C., claiming, "D.C. went from one of the worst to one of the safest cities in the U.S."

Democratic Governor J.B. Pritzker, meanwhile, reiterated that accepting federal help would be far more dangerous than allowing criminals to continue operating uninterrupted.

"Mr. President, do not come to Chicago," Pritzker previously declared. "You are neither wanted here nor needed here."

Sources confirmed that Chicago officials remain deeply committed to proving they can solve the city's crime problem entirely on their own, sometime shortly after they finish explaining why it isn't actually happening.

Pritzker has repeatedly characterized Trump's offers of assistance as an authoritarian overreach.

"If this were happening in any other country, we would have no trouble calling it what it is — a dangerous power grab," said Pritzker, apparently referring to the possibility of law enforcement intervention rather than the armed gangs terrorizing neighborhoods.

The governor has also spent considerable effort reassuring Americans that reports of violence are exaggerated. During a late-night television appearance, he mocked claims that Chicago was experiencing serious crime problems.

"This is JB Pritzker, reporting from war-torn Chicago. As you can see, there’s utter mayhem and chaos on the ground. It’s quite disturbing," he joked.

"We’ve seen people being forced to eat hot dogs with ketchup on them, and our deep dish pizza, well, has gone shallow. So, it’s a challenge to survive here in the city of Chicago, but there’s no hellscape that I’d rather be in."

At press time, Chicago officials had announced a new task force dedicated to identifying the true source of the city's violence: people noticing it.

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Trump Grants Iran 60-Day Oil Hall Pass After Regime Promises To Behave This Time

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a heartwarming display of international trust rarely seen outside kindergarten classrooms, the Trump administration announced Monday that it will temporarily allow Iran to produce and sell oil after the Islamic regime reportedly promised to keep its hands to itself and play nicely in the Strait of Hormuz.

Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent revealed that the administration has issued a 60-day license authorizing Iranian oil sales while negotiators work toward a broader peace agreement. Officials expressed cautious optimism that a government famous for sponsoring terrorism, threatening its neighbors, and chanting "Death to America" may finally be turning over a new leaf.

“In line with the ongoing productive talks in Switzerland, Iran has committed to free and open transit in the Strait of Hormuz and to permit International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) inspectors into their country,” Bessent wrote on X.

Diplomats reportedly celebrated the breakthrough after Iran allegedly looked everyone directly in the eye and promised it was being totally serious this time.

“As part of the framework, Treasury has issued a temporary 60-day general license authorizing the production, delivery, and sale of Iranian oil,” he continued.

To ensure the arrangement remains above board, the license specifically prohibits buyers in North Korea, Cuba, and Crimea from purchasing Iranian oil, effectively preventing what experts described as "the world's least trustworthy governments from forming an even more suspicious customer loyalty program."

Vice President JD Vance said the negotiations successfully established a mechanism to keep the Strait of Hormuz open and prevent disagreements from spiraling into a larger conflict.

Administration officials praised the agreement as a significant diplomatic achievement, noting that if all goes well, future negotiations could include additional confidence-building measures such as Iran pinky-swearing not to build nuclear weapons and signing a note promising not to fund terrorist proxies during recess.

At press time, international observers reported that several barrels of Iranian oil had already begun flowing toward global markets while diplomats eagerly waited to see whether the phrase "trust but verify" could survive another encounter with the Iranian regime.

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Democrats Shocked To Learn Man They Swore Was "Sharp As Ever" May Have Been Slightly Less Sharp Than A Butter Knife

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning development that has left millions of Americans pretending to be surprised, former Democratic fundraiser Lindy Li [not to be confused with Lucy Lu] announced she will soon reveal the identities of party insiders who allegedly knew President Joe Biden was struggling cognitively while simultaneously assuring the public he was operating at peak mental performance.

Li, who has since fled the Democratic Party like a passenger spotting smoke in the cockpit, says her upcoming book Unburdened will expose a cast of political figures who privately worried about Biden's condition while publicly insisting that videos of him wandering off, freezing mid-sentence, and shaking hands with invisible people were merely examples of his unique leadership style.

"Whatever was out there, it wasn’t the truth. They wanted him to go, and also in my book, I will be telling people exactly who was aware of Biden’s cognitive decline but pretended otherwise," Li told Fox News Digital. [It's like blowing the lid off the aluminum siding industry, eh.]

According to Li, the Democratic establishment spent years perfecting the difficult art of watching the same events as everyone else and then claiming those events never happened.

One of the names reportedly appearing in the book is the execrable Sen. Adam Schiff, who allegedly expressed concerns privately while maintaining public support until Biden's debate performance made denial roughly as credible as insisting a raccoon was qualified to perform open-heart surgery.

"I remember getting a text from Schiff," Li said.

"I have it in my book. Basically, Adam Schiff was — I can’t remember what he said on TV, but I’m telling you right now that behind the scenes he very much wanted [Biden] to go."

A spokesperson for Schiff responded by noting that Schiff eventually voiced concerns publicly after Biden's now-famous debate performance, which featured several moments that caused viewers to wonder whether their television signal had frozen.

"The Senator’s concerns and call on President Biden to not run was very public, so none of this is news," the spokesperson said.

Li claims many Democrats remained silent because challenging Biden would have been politically dangerous, particularly after party polling suggested that no rival had enough support to overcome the incumbent. In other words, they put personal ambitions ahead of the security of the nation.

"They didn’t want to get ostracized by the party. It’s like the axiom: you come at the king; you better not miss. Everyone would have missed," Li said.

Party insiders reportedly concluded that opposing Biden was a risky proposition, especially when access to donor money, committee assignments, and favorable media coverage hung in the balance.

"There are many candidates who polled themselves against Biden and then realized that they couldn’t beat him in a primary. It wasn’t a matter so much of anti-Trumpism. It was self-interest," Li said.

"I’ve seen the polling data, and I also include that in my book, polling no one has seen before."

Li also claims internal polling suggested that Vice President Kamala Harris was viewed as a weak successor, despite years of media coverage assuring Americans she was both historically groundbreaking and universally beloved.

"She was the weakest candidate in the field," Li said.

"I also have polling data right before Kamala ascended. We stacked her against Buttigieg, Newsom, Shapiro, Whitmer — all of them," Li said.

Political analysts say the revelations confirm what many voters had suspected: that the greatest bipartisan achievement of the Biden era may have been convincing a large portion of Washington to ignore what millions of Americans could plainly see on their television screens.

Still, Li insists the story is more complicated than simple political calculation. She says Biden's personal relationships inspired genuine loyalty among longtime allies.

"He had decades of loyalty, his bond with people like James Clyburn," Li explained.

"There’s something about Joe Biden. He was incredibly kind," Li said.

At press time, Democratic strategists were reportedly scrambling to determine whether claiming they had always been concerned about Biden's condition might be more politically viable than insisting once again that videos of Biden appearing confused were actually sophisticated right-wing deepfakes.

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Democrats Shocked To Learn Campaign Funds Apparently Not Meant For Family Vacations, Theme Parks, And The Super Bowl

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sen. Ruben Gallego found himself under scrutiny this week after reports surfaced suggesting he may have used campaign funds for family travel, Disney trips, and Super Bowl tickets, triggering panic among Democrats who were reportedly unaware that campaign accounts were not simply upgraded checking accounts with patriotic branding.

According to reports, Gallego allegedly drew from a joint campaign account he shared with former California Democrat Eric Flatulentia Swalwell, a politician whose career has survived scandals with the resilience of a cockroach wearing a congressional lapel pin.

Federal law technically prohibits campaign money from being used for "personal use," a phrase that has apparently baffled generations of Washington lawmakers accustomed to treating donor contributions like airline reward points.

The report claims Gallego's political committee paid for travel to Miami and Chicago, along with magical fact-finding missions to both Disneyland and Disney World. The committee also reportedly spent more than $18,000 on childcare reimbursements, prompting observers to wonder whether campaign donors thought they were funding elections or a family vacation package.

Gallego did not deny the allegations.

"This is not breaking news," he said in a statement to POLITICO. "With the rising costs of child care and the burden it has on the budgets of American families, Democrats and Republicans in Congress and the White House alike regularly travel with their wives and children, as is permitted by the FEC."

Political analysts noted that Gallego's defense essentially amounted to, "Everyone does it," a phrase that has historically appeared moments before ethics investigations, congressional hearings, or awkward resignation speeches.

Gallego is considered a potential 2028 presidential contender, joining a crowded Democratic bench that includes Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer, California Gov. Gavin Newsom, and former Vice President Kamala Harris.

Party strategists expressed concern that controversies like this could damage a future presidential campaign, though they admitted the greater threat may be voters becoming aware of how campaign money is actually spent.

At press time, congressional ethics experts were reportedly preparing a new educational pamphlet explaining that campaign donations are not intended to function as a Disney annual pass with tax advantages.

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