Cleveland Clinic Agrees To Stop Chopping Off Kids' Twigs And Berries After DOJ Finally Notices It's Illegal

The Department of Justice announced another resolution arising from its ongoing national investigation into violations of federal law in connection with sex-rejecting procedures on minors.

The Cleveland Clinic Foundation has entered into agreements with the Department and the Ohio Attorney General that include a decades-long commitment to not perform or offer sex-rejecting procedures—which include the administration of puberty blockers and cross-sex hormones—for minors.

Cleveland Clinic has also agreed to pay a monetary penalty and, in a landmark commitment, dedicate additional millions to help provide essential medical care for individuals living with the harmful consequences of such misguided medical interventions performed on them as children and adolescents who are called “detransitioners”.

“The Department of Justice is steadfastly committed to protecting America’s children,” said Associate Attorney General Stanley Woodward. “Just as the resolution with Texas Children’s, today’s resolution with Cleveland Clinic furthers that commitment and puts these providers on notice that this Department will vigorously enforce federal law where children are put at risk.”According to the terms of the agreements, which the Department reached in coordination with Ohio Attorney General Dave Yost, Cleveland Clinic - a partner in other Administration priority initiatives - will pay $308,000 to resolve allegations regarding false billings submitted to public and private payors to secure insurance coverage for sex-rejecting procedures on minors.

As part of the resolution, Cleveland Clinic has committed $2 million to provide restorative care for de-transitioners, the very victims of these predatory and dangerous practices - regardless of their insured status or ability to pay.

The agreements come less than a month after the Justice Department announced its resolution with Texas Children’s Hospital, which the Department secured through a partnership with Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton. As previously announced, Texas Children’s agreed to pay a $10 million penalty and, much like Cleveland Clinic’s commitment today, create the first-of-its-kind clinic dedicated to treating de-transitioners. Texas Children’s also agreed to permanently cease providing any sex-rejecting procedures to minors.

These historic commitments pair the cessation of these dangerous practices masquerading as medical treatment with substantial investments in remediating the destruction they cause and restoring the health of the victims.

In working towards this settlement, the United States acknowledged that Cleveland Clinic took significant steps entitling it to credit for cooperation with the Department in its investigation. At all times during the investigation, Cleveland Clinic remained cooperative, proactive, and solution-driven, as highlighted by its multi-million dollar commitment to providing care to the victims who most need it.

“I am grateful that institutions like Cleveland Clinic and Texas Children’s have decided to be part of the solution, not part of the problem,” said Brett Shumate, Assistant Attorney General for the Civil Division. “Cleveland Clinic’s commitment to providing millions of dollars towards care for de-transitioners is emblematic of just that. I am grateful for this resolution with Cleveland Clinic, but our work is far from over, and our division will continue to work tirelessly to protect America’s children and hold accountable those that have preyed on vulnerable children, whether they be pharmaceutical companies or medical providers.”

These matters and the investigations into sex-rejecting procedures on minors are being led by the Justice Department’s Civil Division Enforcement and Affirmative Litigation Branch and Commercial Litigation Branch, Fraud Section.

The claims resolved by the United States in the settlements are allegations only, and there has been no determination of liability. Cleveland Clinic has denied all allegations.

In a stunning turn of events, one of America's most prestigious hospitals has discovered that chemically castrating and surgically mutilating confused middle-schoolers might not actually be "healthcare." Sources say the clinic's doctors are shocked - shocked! - to learn that handing out experimental hormones like candy and billing insurance for it could draw federal scrutiny.

"Look, we were just following the science," said a visibly sweating hospital administrator who definitely does not want his name used. "The science that said puberty is a disease and every tomboy secretly needs a fake penis. How were we supposed to know the DOJ would get all weird about it?"

Experts remain divided on whether this sudden burst of sanity will spread to other elite medical institutions, or if they'll just wait for the next administration to green-light turning playgrounds into gender assembly lines again. For now, de-transitioners finally have a little help picking up the pieces after the medical establishment's greatest "oopsie" since lobotomies were considered progressive.

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US hits Iran radar sites after Iranian drones fired at Bahrain and Kuwait

 
The Middle East, once again, teeters on the edge of a wider conflagration, and once again the world is forced to confront the grim arithmetic of escalation. 

Overnight, U.S. Central Command intercepted six Iranian ballistic missiles fired toward Kuwait and Bahrain after American forces carried out retaliatory strikes on Iranian radar installations in Goruk and on Qeshm Island. According to CENTCOM, six of the seven missiles were intercepted, while the seventh failed to reach its target. 

Before that exchange, American forces had already downed four Iranian one-way attack drones headed toward the Strait of Hormuz, that narrow maritime chokepoint through which so much of the world’s energy supply precariously flows.

The significance of these events should not be understated. The Strait of Hormuz is one of the vital arteries of the global economy. Any attempt by Tehran to menace shipping lanes there is designed as a message to the world that Iran retains the ability to inject instability into international commerce whenever it chooses.

Fox News correspondent Trey Yingst reported from Dubai that Iran launched the missile barrage toward the Gulf allies after CENTCOM’s retaliatory operations against the radar sites. “Officials in Kuwait are describing those recent overnight strikes here in the Gulf as a serious escalation,” Paul said on “Fox Report.” And indeed they are. The phrase “serious escalation” has become so overused in modern diplomacy that it risks sounding almost procedural, but what we are witnessing is the steady collapse of deterrence into direct confrontation.

Former CIA station chief Dan Hoffman offered perhaps the clearest reading of Tehran’s strategy. Iran, he said, appears intent on trying to “drive up the costs of the war” for the United States by threatening trade through Hormuz, escalating Hezbollah attacks against Israel, and targeting America’s Gulf allies. “Iran feels like that gives them added leverage,” Hoffman noted, particularly as domestic political pressure builds ahead of the U.S. midterm elections.

That observation cuts to the heart of the matter. The Iranian regime has long understood that its conventional military power cannot rival that of the United States. Its strength instead lies in asymmetry, in creating sufficient instability, uncertainty, and attrition that Western governments begin asking whether the cost of resistance exceeds the cost of accommodation. It is a strategy built not on victory in the traditional sense, but on exhaustion.

Meanwhile, the regional situation continues to deteriorate on multiple fronts. Israel launched airstrikes in southern Lebanon that reportedly killed nine people, including members of the Lebanese army, only days after a U.S.-brokered ceasefire with Lebanon had raised hopes, however faint, that tensions might temporarily subside. In the modern Middle East, ceasefires increasingly resemble intermissions rather than conclusions.

President Donald Trump, speaking on the state of Iran’s military capabilities, claimed the regime now possesses only “21%-22%” of the missile arsenal it held prior to the U.S. strikes in February. Whether or not that estimate proves entirely accurate, it reveals the administration’s underlying calculation, namely that sustained military pressure can substantially degrade Tehran’s offensive capacity. Yet history offers repeated warnings about assuming that diminished capability necessarily translates into diminished resolve.

For decades the Iranian regime has demonstrated a remarkable willingness to absorb punishment while continuing to pursue strategic objectives through proxies, missile campaigns, and regional destabilization. The danger now is not simply of one retaliatory strike leading to another. The danger is that every actor involved increasingly believes escalation itself may serve its interests better than restraint.

And that is the truly sobering reality. The Middle East is no longer witnessing isolated incidents, but the gradual knitting together of multiple conflicts into a single expanding crisis, one in which the margin for miscalculation grows thinner by the day.

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Trump says Iran's military is "totally destroyed"

President Donald Trump says Iran’s military has been “totally destroyed” following the latest round of U.S. and Israeli strikes, which is not exactly the sort of Yelp review the ayatollahs were hoping for.

During an interview with NBC News’s Kristen Welker on Friday, Trump claimed Iran has only “maybe 21%, 22% of their missiles” remaining after weeks of coordinated attacks on military infrastructure.

“We know where their drones are, and we know where their drone factories are. Most of the drone factories have been knocked out… and most of the missile manufacturing areas have been knocked out,” Trump said.

Somewhere in Tehran, a government spokesman is probably insisting this is all part of a long-term strategic plan while standing in front of a smoking crater where a missile depot used to be.

When Welker pressed Trump on whether he knew exactly how many missiles and drones Iran still possesses, Trump responded that he knows “almost to the number” what remains in Tehran’s arsenal, though he declined to provide specifics.

“They have some missiles. They have some drones,” Trump stated.

In other words, Iran has enough to remain annoying, but not enough to keep pretending they’re the regional superpower of the apocalypse.

Trump emphasized that while 21% still represents “a lot of missiles,” it is dramatically lower than what Iran possessed before the strikes began on February 28. That has to sting for a regime that spent decades pouring money into missile programs while its citizens stood in line for basic necessities.

The Iranian leadership, according to Trump, is having a hard time accepting its new reality.

“I think they can't believe they're in the situation where they've been virtually decapitated,” Trump said. “They're proud. There are things they never thought they'd be doing that they're going to have to do. They've got no choice.”

That may be the understatement of the year. The regime spent generations cultivating the image of untouchable revolutionary strength, only to discover that modern warfare is less forgiving than a campus protest at an Ivy League university.

Trump also told reporters Wednesday that negotiations with Iran are “going well,” though he cautioned that a final agreement “might not happen.” He added that a deal “could happen over the weekend.”

The president noted that it would be “very easy” for the U.S. military to resume strikes, but said he would prefer “get something down in writing which will accomplish the same thing without killing everybody.”

Which is classic Trump diplomacy: negotiate from a position of overwhelming strength while reminding the other side that the alternative option is still sitting on the table polishing its boots.

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Why Graham Platner’s Top Adviser Has Democratic Operatives Practicing Deep Breathing Exercises

Maine Democrat Graham Platner is already running the sort of campaign that makes party strategists stare blankly into the middle distance while whispering, “Maybe we should have nominated literally anyone else.” Between allegations of emotional abuse, Nazi tattoos, racist Reddit posts, sexting scandals, and whatever fresh horror is scheduled to drop before lunch, the Platner campaign has become less of a Senate run and more of a live-action remake of a burning dumpster rolling downhill into a fireworks factory.

But now attention is shifting to Platner’s top aide, Morris Katz, who has reportedly inspired widespread panic among Democratic operatives after responding to the campaign crisis with the calm professionalism of a raccoon trapped inside a Chili’s kitchen.

Katz attempted to defend Platner by arguing that all these scandals prove the candidate is “authentic,” as in an authentic Nazi, which is a bold strategy considering most voters do not define authenticity as “possessing a complete archive of career-ending behavior.” 

Sources say the campaign briefly considered rebranding Platner as “a flawed but relatable human being,” before focus groups reportedly asked whether relatable humans normally have Nazi tattoos and leaked sexts floating around state politics circles.

When the sexting scandal exploded, Katz reportedly melted down and declared the exposure of Platner’s marriage problems was unfair and inappropriate, prompting veteran political consultants to gently explain that modern campaigns now treat human shame as a renewable energy source . . . except when it comes to Republicans.

Former Platner staffer Genevieve McDonald has become the campaign’s designated villain after allegedly leaking details of the sexting scandal. Her departure from the campaign came after Platner’s old Reddit posts surfaced, revealing racist and misogynistic remarks that apparently tested even Maine Democrats’ impressive tolerance for chaos, communism, anti-Semitism, and stupidity.

According to New York Magazine, Democratic strategists are now openly discussing whether images of Platner’s twigs and berries are destined to become the defining visual of the campaign season, a sentence that has likely caused several Maine voters to begin researching remote cabins in the Yukon.

“I am sure all of the other Democratic campaign consultants in New York are absolutely salivating at this,” said Mike Murphy, a top aide to both John McCain and Mitt Romney and a regular on the Sunday talk-show circuit. “You do a campaign in New York, which is the absolute nerve center of Democratic politics, and it works out, anything you do after is going to get a ton of attention and you get too much credit for what you do right and too much blame for what goes wrong.”

Translation: Katz briefly became the Democrats’ hot new wunderkind before discovering that fame in politics lasts approximately fourteen minutes and usually ends with leaked screenshots.

McDonald says Katz attempted to pressure her into retracting comments made to reporters after The Wall Street Journal contacted the campaign. According to her Facebook post, “After WSJ reached out to the Platner campaign for comment, Morris Katz demanded that I call the WSJ, retract my comments, tell them their reporting was inaccurate and send him a recording of the call.”

Political strategists reportedly reacted to this revelation the same way air traffic controllers react to hearing “What does this button do?” over the cockpit radio.

The Bangor Daily News reported Katz also warned McDonald that “If the story goes in its current iteration we’ll communicate directly on the record, and by name, that Genevieve violated the personal trust of Amy and Graham and shared explicit falsehoods to sabotage the campaign.”

Democratic consultants across New York allegedly cringed so hard upon reading the text that several suffered minor spinal injuries.

“First of all, you never put that kind of thing in a text message,” said one New York strategist. “And second of all, you never have a man do it.”

Added another strategist, “I think at some point you just have to realize that the person you are dealing with on the other side is not listening to reason and you have to cut bait and figure out how to respond.”

At this stage, many Democrats appear less concerned with winning the Senate seat than with preventing the Platner campaign from evolving into an eight-part Netflix documentary titled Too Online To Govern.

Katz and his fellow political wunderkinds reportedly still believe Platner remains an elite political talent after helping win a New York City mayoral race, which critics note is roughly equivalent to claiming strategic genius for successfully ordering coffee in Brooklyn while wearing a Che Guevara shirt.

And now, with rumors swirling that even more explicit material could emerge, party insiders are reportedly bracing for impact like passengers aboard a budget airline flight operated entirely by interns.

“Are we going to see pictures of Graham Platner’s penis before this is all over?” asked one strategist. “I think we almost certainly will.”

At press time, Democratic officials were reportedly attempting to replace the entire campaign with a moderately friendly houseplant and name it Joe.

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Bessent's witty remark about Illinois exodus leaves Chicago-area lawmaker fuming on camerap

If there’s one thing congressional Democrats love more than lecturing Americans about economics, it’s yelling at Republicans who actually know something about economics.

Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent found himself on the receiving end of one of Capitol Hill’s trademark Democrat meltdowns this week during a House Ways and Means Committee hearing, when Rep. Brad Schneider of Illinois decided that volume was a substitute for intelligence.

Schneider joined the usual parade of Democrats trying to pin every fluctuation in grocery prices on President Donald Trump, tariffs, Iran, capitalism, weather patterns, and probably Jupiter being in retrograde. Bessent, meanwhile, kept calmly reminding everyone that inflation during the Biden years looked like a Black Friday riot at the Federal Reserve.

Things got spicy after Schneider attempted to corner Bessent over comments regarding the Iran conflict. Schneider dramatically asked whether Bessent wanted to "correct the record" about the conflict being "ended," before rattling off a list of concerns about Iran threatening Israel and U.S. allies.

Bessent, clearly enjoying himself, smiled and asked whether Schneider was suddenly "in agreement" with Trump since the congressman had just repeated the administration’s goals out loud without spontaneously combusting.

"Unless an American life is lost, he does not believe that he will have to restart the kinetic attacks," Bessent replied.

That answer did not soothe Schneider, who immediately shifted into the familiar Democrat setting of Angry Cable News Panelist. As the congressman grew more agitated, he tried tying rising commodity prices to the Iran conflict while blaming Trump and Bessent for everything short of the Cubs bullpen.

Bessent responded with the sort of thing Democrats hate most, actual numbers.

The treasury secretary pointed out that core inflation currently sits at 2.8%, close to the Federal Reserve’s target, before dryly noting that Schneider seemed determined to recite a grocery list of the most expensive items he could find.

"you can list off the most expensive groceries that have had the biggest price increases," Bessent quipped.

Naturally, Schneider accused Bessent of being out of touch, because modern Democrats believe anyone who disagrees with them must either be evil or shopping at the wrong supermarket.

That’s when Bessent delivered the line that probably caused half the Illinois delegation to start stress-eating deep dish pizza.

"Well, you Democrats should know, no wonder so many people are leaving Illinois. Why don't you come see me in South Carolina?"

Ouch.

Schneider, apparently unaware that U-Haul statistics exist, angrily insisted people are not fleeing Illinois.

Bessent couldn’t resist twisting the knife.

"You're saying Illinois doesn't have net outbound migration?"

At that point, somebody in the room probably should’ve checked Schneider’s blood pressure.

The congressman then abruptly changed subjects to Trump’s settlement with the IRS over former contractor Charles Littlejohn leaking tax returns, because nothing says “I’m winning this argument” like bailing out entirely.

Schneider huffed that nobody, including Trump, is "above the law."

Bessent calmly fired back that Trump is not "beneath the law" either, while accusing Democrats of "weaponizing the system."

Schneider then solemnly declared, "His taxes should never be leaked. No taxpayer information should be leaked…"

That setup was just too easy.

"Then, congressman, would you like to apologize to the president right now on behalf [of your party]?"

Somewhere deep in the bowels of Congress, a Democrat communications staffer immediately updated their résumé.

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Civil War Erupts At ‘60 Minutes’ As Remaining Hosts Heroically Threaten To Quit Someday, Maybe

Reporters at CBS’s “60 Minutes” are reportedly locked in a brutal internal civil war after several top stars courageously announced they would continue cashing paychecks while issuing a strongly worded ultimatum against the network’s leadership.

Veteran correspondents Lesley Stahl, Bill Whitaker and Jon Wertheim confirmed they had considered leaving the program after a string of firings rocked the newsroom, but ultimately decided they “don’t want to see ‘60 Minutes’ die,” mostly because they still need somewhere to dramatically sigh on camera every Sunday night.

The trio released a fiery statement declaring that “newsrooms are not supposed to be run like dictatorships,” stunning viewers who had long assumed every newsroom was actually run by caffeine, panic and 14 producers yelling “we’re losing daylight.”

CBS executives reportedly fired longtime correspondent Scott Pelley after he detonated during a staff meeting and informed new executive producer Nick Bilton that his qualifications were “slender,” which insiders described as the most devastating insult ever delivered by a man wearing a $4,000 suit while seated in ergonomic outrage.

Bilton, who was brought in by CBS editor-in-chief Bari Weiss, allegedly received a chilly reception from Pelley, who accused Weiss of “murdering” the show, marking the first confirmed homicide committed entirely through editorial meetings and Slack messages.

According to Stahl, Whitaker and Wertheim, producers Tanya Simon and Draggan Mihailovich were removed without explanation.

“As far as we can tell, because no explanation has ever been offered, they were expelled because they fought for our ‘60 Minutes’ values and stood up to protect our independence and integrity,” the correspondents wrote, bravely defending the sacred journalistic tradition of angrily confronting billion-dollar corporations while remaining employed by them.

“We want to express how sorry we are that these principled, fair and honest journalists were treated so shabbily, with such indecency. Tanya deserves to be celebrated, not cruelly cast off. Draggan too. It’s been heartbreaking,” they added, before returning to the newsroom where everyone now reportedly communicates through passive-aggressive eye contact and carefully worded memos.

The group also praised former staffers Sharyn Alfonsi, Cecilia Vega and Scott Pelley.

“This goes for Sharyn, Cecilia and Scott as well, all at the top of the world of TV journalism who exemplified 60 Minutes’ ethos of tough questions and honest storytelling,” they wrote, moments before executives held another emergency meeting titled “Please Stop Calling Each Other Fascists In The Conference Room.”

Despite the turmoil, the correspondents insisted their decision to stay should not be interpreted as support for management.

They warned that remaining at CBS is “categorically not the case” when it comes to endorsing leadership, a distinction experts say is similar to remaining aboard the Titanic strictly to criticize iceberg navigation policies.

The journalists also cautioned they could still leave in the future if the show drifts further from independent journalism.

“If we can continue doing the work that made this show what it is, committing acts of independent, fearless journalism and storytelling, we’re here for it. If not, we leave.”

At press time, CBS denied accusations of political interference, insisting the network’s only interference involves the standard newsroom practice of executives quietly setting everything on fire while assuring reporters it’s completely normal.

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Dems Continue Bold Strategy Of Nominating Every Guy Who Looks Like He Owns 3 Burner Phones

"Jah das ist mein Totenkopf"

MAINE, ME, Democratic Senate hopeful Graham Platner entered the weekend with what political analysts are calling “a truly inspiring amount of self-inflicted damage,” after another round of bizarre allegations piled onto a campaign already held together with duct tape and panic.

Platner, who is attempting to unseat Republican Sen. Susan Collins, has spent the past several weeks assuring voters that his Nazi tattoo was somehow misunderstood, his sexting scandal was overblown, his Kik account was totally normal, and the growing accusations of emotional abuse from multiple women are all just part of a vast right-wing conspiracy against extremely online progressive men.

“The Democrats sure know how to pick them,” sighed one exhausted voter while deleting his “Believe Survivors” yard sign for the third time this election cycle.

Things became even stranger after Platner appeared on MS Now with Chris Hayes in what critics described as “the journalistic equivalent of being tucked into bed with warm milk and a bedtime story.” During the interview, Platner denied wrongdoing while somehow also admitting that the incriminating texts from the sexting scandal would “probably” leak eventually.

Political observers were particularly fascinated by the fact that Platner suddenly discovered the ability to deny allegations on television after apparently forgetting to do so when The New York Times first contacted him before publication.

Former Bernie Sanders aide Symone Sanders noticed the discrepancy immediately, reportedly asking the forbidden question in Democratic media circles: “Wait, if none of this happened, why didn’t you say that before?”

Comrade Sanders

Sources inside the campaign say staffers briefly considered answering the question before remembering they work in politics.

Meanwhile, viewers noted that MS Now carefully avoided asking whether the women involved were of legal age, whether the exchanges were consensual, or literally anything that might cause discomfort to Democratic operatives watching at home.

“It’s important journalists ask tough questions,” said one network producer before courageously asking Platner how difficult this has all been for him personally.

Campaign insiders remain optimistic, however, insisting that no matter what additional scandals emerge, voters will ultimately focus on the issues that matter most, like stopping fascism by electing a man with a Nazi tattoo and several mystery messaging apps.

At publishing time, CNN had reportedly launched a follow-up investigation confirming that Somali fraudsters in Minnesota are actually “victims of harmful stereotypes” and probably deserve another federal grant.

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Fetterman says he'll wear suits if Platner agrees to his dare

Sen. John Fetterman (D-PA) reportedly stunned Washington this week by briefly transforming into the Democratic Party’s last functioning adult after publicly distancing himself from controversial Maine Senate candidate Graham Platner, a man whose campaign strategy appears to involve speed-running every possible scandal before Labor Day.

Fetterman, who has spent years being criticized for wearing gym shorts in the Senate, expressed confusion that Platner once took issue with his wardrobe choices while simultaneously maintaining what critics described as “the least Senate-confirmation-friendly internet footprint in modern American history.”

"This is a guy that had a problem with me, how I dress, but he seemed to have no problem posing in a towel at a disgusting website that consistently had serious problems about that kinds of depravity," Fetterman told Fox News host Sean Hannity. 

Pretty good point, eh?

Sources say Senate Democrats immediately panicked after realizing Fetterman had accidentally wandered into the dangerous territory known as “common sense.”

The Pennsylvania senator then escalated matters by daring Platner to release messages connected to a Kik account that has now become the political equivalent of opening a cursed tomb in an Indiana Jones movie.

"Let me make a deal. I'll tell P-Hustle, I'll wear a suit every day, if he releases all those texts and messages that he's had... [with] the dozen women," Fetterman continued.

Political analysts confirmed the challenge represented the first time in recorded history a senator has offered to permanently wear formal attire in exchange for another politician deleting his digital existence from public memory.

"You can prove [to] America... what's [in] these conversations. Can P-Hustle prove how old these people are?" Fetterman added, causing Democratic strategists to immediately begin stress-eating antacids in a Capitol Hill broom closet.

Platner’s campaign acknowledged the Kik account belonged to him, but insisted he had merely deleted the app without deactivating the account, a defense experts compared to saying, “I threw away the flamethrower but technically left the pilot light on.”

Fetterman also criticized Platner’s long list of controversies, which currently includes inflammatory Reddit posts, comments about Navy SEAL Chris Kyle, and a Nazi-linked Totenkopf tattoo that Platner says he got without understanding its historical meaning, reportedly after wandering into what aides described as “the world’s most suspicious tattoo parlor coincidence.”

"As a Democrat, I'm never going to carry water for a guy that calls an American hero a dumb MFer, or someone that smears Chris Kyle... and claimed that he's shooting innocent civilians. You've literally lost count..."

"It's countless. It absolutely is."

Meanwhile, Democratic leaders and their communist colleagues continued their enthusiastic support of Platner, largely because party officials fear admitting they made a mistake could set a dangerous precedent.

Sen. Comrade Bernie Sanders defended Platner during a recent interview, while Senate Minority Leader Chuck "Nostrils" Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth "Dances with Dolts" Warren maintained their endorsements, reportedly operating under the increasingly desperate strategy of “if we squint hard enough maybe voters won’t notice.”

Republican staffers gathered outside Democratic headquarters wearing towels to mock Platner’s reported profile photo, creating what observers called the first bipartisan agreement in years that perhaps nobody involved should be allowed near a messaging app ever again.

"He has [said] so many offensive things that it's hard to keep up with it," Fetterman said.

At press time, Democratic consultants were reportedly considering whether replacing Platner with a malfunctioning Roomba wrapped in a Maine state flag might improve their chances in November.

Perhaps a cow paddy shaped in the letter "D" would have a better chance.

Finally, nobody gets a Nazi tattoo without knowing what it is, unless they're really stupid.

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