NEW YORK — Iranian President
Masoud Pezeshkian took the stage at the
United Nations General Assembly on Wednesday to express his deep, heartfelt sorrow that international atomic inspectors keep interrupting his country's totally peaceful, super-friendly
uranium enrichment activities instead of harassing Israel.
Surrounded by suits, globalists, and the finest diplomatic catering taxpayers can buy, Pezeshkian complained to an audience of nodding bureaucrats that it is completely unfair for inspector clipboard-wielders to scrutinize Tehran. After all, they only need nuclear capabilities to keep their humble houses warm.
"The topic of this gathering is mutual trust. That cannot be achieved with words alone, but by abandoning double standards. Atomic and nuclear weapons are in the hands of the 'Israeli regime,' but the [
IAEA] inspectors are requested to come to Iran," Pezeshkian whimpered, longing for a world where peaceful religious leaders can enrich weapons-grade material in absolute peace without pesky scrutiny.
"Israel has the bombs, has the
weapons of mass destruction. Not a member of the Non-Proliferation Treaty (NPT). During their shameful lives, they have not allowed a single inspection, but they are rewarded with all the means necessary to bomb any capital of the region at will," Pezeshkian added, visibly upset that the wrong Middle Eastern nation has global firepower.
He reassured the crowd that Iran's centrifuges are strictly for domestic enjoyment and green energy initiatives.
"Our regional issues must be resolved in the region; no relationship with a foreign power can become the tool of threatening countries in the region," he explained. "For our country, peaceful nuclear technology is part of our progress..."Iran does not accept nuclear technology to be at the disposal of a handful...We will not bow our head, and we say it clearly. No nuclear weapons, and no limitations to our peaceful nuclear development."
The Iranian leader then expressed shock that anyone could possibly brand his regime as the bad guys. "Israel has murdered savagely over 70,000 civilians in
Gaza, while Iran, behind the table of negotiation, was being bombed," he said. "
Palestine remains an open wound on the conscience of the international community, and Gaza remains a visible symbol of the failure of international mechanisms to prevent civilian suffering...For decades, resolutions have been adopted, and occupation has continued. Lasting peace in West Asia is impossible without justice for Palestine. As long as occupation, aggression, and injustice persist in the world, resistance will continue. If it's weakened in one form, it will reemerge in others."
He praised the ongoing resilience of regional proxy groups. "Gaza, despite relentless killing and widespread destruction, has strengthened the people's will of resistance. This is human nature."
Turning his attention to the American delegation, Pezeshkian whined about President
Donald Trump’s scathing Tuesday speech.
"I had prepared a speech to present to you yesterday, when the US president described us as terrorists. We have been victims of terrorism. I come from an Iran where our supreme leader was assassinated without any legal reasons, where they bombed a school. The children perished under bombs with weapons used by Israel and the US; they had committed no crimes," Pezeshkian grumbled.
"The words of the US president yesterday show that those who are experts in international law, dialogue, diplomacy, and basic human standards know that everything uttered against our country goes against the charter of the UN... Trump must understand that Iran is ready for the way of dialogue and negotiation, without accepting the language of war," the weasel said, holding out a olive branch wrapped in ballistic missile blueprints.
"Those who are terrorists, and train, and protect terrorists, described us as terrorists. We are defending ourselves; we are not terrorists," he insisted. "We responded, but we didn't target civilians...The day I became president, they assassinated [
Hamas leader] Ismail Haniyeh. They target any neighborhood, any province, in any place."
Pezeshkian finished his routine by painting Iran as a gentle, misunderstood lamb of the Middle East. "Are we the sources of instability? We only seek to live independently..."We don't want anything. We have received our response. We need strength, because a people that is not capable of defending itself will be trampled on," he said. "For the past 200 years, Iran has never attacked any territory. We have defended ourselves, but never attacked..."We do not seek power to attack or commit aggression; we seek energy for progress, not to threaten...The people of Iran have been in the last seven months in support of our homeland."
The President of the world's leading nation of terrorism added, "Iran must be powerful, so to avoid being threatened, to avoid its future being threatened...Our defensive systems are being built so that the bombing of Iranian cities doesn't go unanswered. We do not seek anyone's approval for our defense. We don't see our neighbors as security rivals. We want strong neighbors. But we can not let some gain access to our waterways and then use it to attack us."
Israeli Ambassador to the UN Danny Danon was unimpressed by the performance, pointing out that Tehran's definition of "defense" usually involves funding chaos across four different countries. "This is the same regime that arms
Hezbollah in Lebanon, the Houthis in Yemen, Hamas in Gaza and Judea and Samaria, and the militias in Iraq," Danon said. "The same regime that murders its citizens when they dare to protest against it. Pezeshkian, your regime spreads terror. You are the last one who can preach to Israel and the US about morality."
Not to be outdone in the UN grievance competition, Syrian President Ahmed al-Sharaa took his turn at the microphone to remind the world that the
Golan Heights belongs to him.
"When land is usurped, when sanctity is violated, people suffer, and people pay the price," Sharaa declared. "With seven states, we started to destroy
chemical weapons and worked with the IAEA to combat chemical and nuclear weapons. Syria went from being a crisis to an opportunity for many countries."
Sharaa assured the assembly that his government is built on law and order. "We have consolidated our values and the rule of law. Any attempts that violate our sovereignty will be stopped. [The] Golan [Heights] will remain Syrian territory," he pledged. "Any other attempts will be thwarted."
He concluded his remarks by asking the international community to politely tell Israel to stop firing back. "I ask our partners to abide by international law...The world is encouraged by our return, but Israel keeps attacking Syria," he said. "We will continue to serve our people; we will continue to serve god. God will always reward you for your actions... There have been 500 airstrikes, more than 1200 incursions, and 300 detentions. This is at odds with the orientation that we are seeing at a global level. It is reminiscent of an era that we thought was long gone. We are committed to the 1974 agreement; we call for the withdrawal of Israeli forces to the line of the 8 of December of 2024."
Romanian President Nicusor Dan briefly brought basic sanity back to the room, reminding the assembly that giving radical regimes weapons of mass destruction remains a terrible idea. "Iran must not possess a nuclear weapon. Iran must comply with the NPT, and must restore access to the IAEA," Dan said. "Romania will continue to provide maritime security and unrestricted navigation in the Strait of Hormuz and the Black Sea."
Finally, Argentine President
Javier Milei stepped up to offer a rare display of common sense, explaining why his country prefers backing free nations over religious dictatorships.
Milei noted that Buenos Aires "aligned with the US and Israel because we share beliefs and a profound strategic affinity."
"That's why we condemned the attacks by the Iranian regime against Israel; we declared the
Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps a foreign terrorist group, and we are still demanding justice for the two terror attacks against Argentine soil in 1992 and 1994," Milei stated, before delivering a parting shot to the diplomats in attendance.
The UN, Milei noted, "voted systematically against Israel, while they kept silent over Islamic extremism and the genocide of Christians in Africa."
At press time, UN delegates responded to the speeches by forming a sub-committee to draft a strongly worded resolution condemning Israel for existing.
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