Trump Shares GOP Senator’s Phone Number In Fight For Permanent Daylight Saving Tim

HOUSTON, TX — Showing that his vision for the cosmos is as grand as his approach to Senate vote-counting, President Donald Trump reportedly called astronauts on the International Space Station on August 28, 2026, directly from NASA’s Johnson Space Center to ask if they could see Tom Cotton’s phone blowing up from space.

While at Mission Control, Trump paused briefly from managing terrestrial calendar reform to honor the Artemis II crew with the Congressional Space Medal of Honor and sign an executive order creating a US Space Academy. The academy will reportedly train future space cadets in essential galactic duties, such as navigating orbital mechanics and cold-calling recalcitrant lawmakers from deep space.

Having successfully conquered space policy for the morning, Trump immediately returned to his primary legislative strategy: doxxing sitting U.S. Senators to fix the clock once and for all.

In a move that surprised absolutely no one who remembers the great Lindsey Graham Flip Phone Destruction Era of 2016, Trump published Senator Tom Cotton’s personal cellphone number on Truth Social. The strategic leak was designed to apply maximum public pressure on the Arkansas Republican, who is currently standing between the American people and endless, glorious afternoon golf sessions.

The Sunshine Protection Act, which passed the House 308-117 in July, remains stalled in the Senate. Trump made it clear that the primary obstacle to national clock harmony is a single Senator refusing to yield to the overwhelming power of extra evening sunlight.

“For some reason, Tom is stopping the Bill,” Trump wrote in a totally standard presidential directive. “So, everyone in Arkansas … tell Tom to, GET IT DONE!”

Trump went on to explain that permanent daylight saving time is vital for golfers, tennis players, hunters, farmers, and anyone else who realizes that waking up to pitch-black darkness is a small price to pay for hit balls at 8:30 p.m.

“So, everyone in Arkansas, a State I love, and won 3 times, the last by by 34 points, tell Tom to, GET IT DONE! It will be appreciated by all,” Trump said. “Nobody wants to spend their precious time running all over the place, turning Clocks back twice a year, and having sunshine in the afternoon is better than early in the morning!”

Cotton, however, remains stubbornly attached to the idea that human beings should see the sun before noon in January.

“These highly concentrated benefits for a few industries in a few regions are offset by widely distributed costs across many more industries throughout the entire country,” Cotton said in a speech, callously ignoring the desperate plight of evening golfers. “And that’s to say nothing of moms sending their kids to school in the dark of night.”

Medical experts immediately weighed in to complicate the issue further, warning that standard time aligns better with human biology, while other studies pointed out that moving the clocks forward increases heart attacks and fatal car crashes. Senate Majority Leader John Thune and a bipartisan group of senators also expressed opposition, proving that if there is one thing Congress can unite behind, it is keeping the country’s sleep schedule completely unstable twice a year.

At publishing time, Senator Cotton’s phone was reportedly vibrating so violently that NASA instruments in Houston registered it as a mild seismic event.

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Hamas Leader Reportedly Discovers That Running Gaza Comes With a Very Short Warranty

Israeli attack helicopters and tanks reportedly targeted Hamas's Gaza leader, Ali al-Amoudi, Saturday morning, giving the terrorist organization's latest chief an unexpected reminder that Hamasshole leadership remains a position with unusually high employee turnover.

The military operation began around 08:00  after Israeli forces engaged suspicious targets approaching the designated "Yellow Line." Reports later indicated that al-Amoudi himself was the main target, with the Hamasshole leader believed to be inside the apartment complex hit by Israeli forces.

Security sources cited by Kan News said the likelihood of al-Amoudi surviving was "very small," which is generally not the sort of performance review anyone hopes to receive from the Israeli military.

Al-Amoudi had previously spent nearly 20 years in an Israeli prison before being released in the 2011 Gilad Schalit prisoner exchange. During that time, he reportedly developed a close relationship with Yahya Sinwar, eventually becoming head of Sinwar's office and joining Hamas's political bureau.

Apparently demonstrating an impressive ability to turn prison experience into career advancement, al-Amoudi eventually became responsible for Hamas's propaganda operation. During the war, he directed Palestinian propaganda campaigns that found considerable support in Western countries, proving once again that Hamas could apparently find an audience for its messaging even while running a terrorist organization from Gaza.

After Sinwar was killed in October 2024, Hamas began the familiar process of finding someone else willing to take over a terrorist organization whose senior leadership was being systematically eliminated.

Al-Amoudi gradually emerged as the group's authority in Gaza while keeping a relatively low public profile. He officially assumed the leadership position in July.

His tenure may now be considerably shorter than expected, assuming reports of Saturday's strike are accurate.

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Trump predicts Iran war will soon end and oil prices will plunge

MOBILE, Ala. — President Donald Trump assured a stadium full of voters Friday that the conflict with Iran will wrap up right on schedule, likely immediately after voters perform their civic duty at the polls.

Speaking to a crowd in Mobile, Alabama, Trump explained that the Iranian regime is currently struggling with mild economic hiccups, specifically an inflation rate that makes buying a loaf of bread require a wheelbarrow and a second mortgage.

"Their economy is down the tubes. They have one thing they really do have. It's called inflation. They have about 310% inflation. And we'll see what happens," Trump said, describing a level of financial ruin that even American gas station owners can only dream of achieving.

According to military strategists, the entire war plan hinges entirely on the upcoming midterm calendar. Once citizens cast their ballots, gas prices will allegedly dive straight off a cliff, returning to levels not seen since voters were actually happy with the economy.

"But as soon as we it's going to end very soon, probably right after the election. But as soon as it does end, oil prices will come tumbling down," Trump added, comforting Americans who have begun considering commuting to work via horse and buggy.

The former president remained laser-focused on the precise timing of world peace, reiterating that geopolitical stability is simply waiting on a few precinct voting tally reports.

"That war is going to be over soon. One way or the other, one way or the other. It's going to end very soon and probably right after the midterms," Trump promised, using his magic formula of repeating the same significant phrases at least three times to make his point. 

At press time, oil executives across the country were reportedly praying for election delays so they could extract a few more weeks of record profits out of helpless commuters.

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Flydubai Co-Pilot Allegedly ID'd. Apparently Landing Safely Wasn't Part Of His Game Plan

Alleged Hijacker: Hamam Alhamami 

The Omar hijacker's name has been revealed which is Hamam Alhamami. This is largely supported by current reporting. with the suspect’s name coming from officials and multiple sources familiar with the investigation rather than from a formal public identification by Flydubai or the governments involved.

Here's the story: On 30 September 2026, Flydubai flight FZ1073 was making its routine trip from Dubai to Tel Aviv, where a lot of Jewish people live, when the routine portion of the trip apparently decided to take the day off.

The aircraft diverted and landed at Tabuk, Saudi Arabia, after the co-pilot allegedly attacked the pilot flying. Israeli officials, including Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, said the co-pilot stabbed the captain, Indian national Smit Machchhar, [a name which in Hindi translates to 'mosquito'] and then attempted to crash the aircraft with more than 170 people aboard, most of them Israelis, therefore Islam's most hated people followed by Christians, Hindus, atheists, gays, Druids, Jains, and anyone other than Muslims of the correct sect. That is, Sunnis don't get along with Shi'ites and vice-versa but they do get along when attacking non-believers.

Fortunately, passengers and off-duty pilots intervened and subdued the co-pilot before the flight could become an especially horrifying addition to the aviation industry’s list of things passengers would prefer not to experience.

The aircraft also transmitted the hijack transponder code 7500 and lost thousands of feet of altitude in mere minutes.

Netanyahu said the attacker had undergone Islamist radicalization [possibly due to his reading the Koran]. Investigations remain underway in Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates. 

By the way, both countries did not want to release the co-pilot's name.

The co-pilot has been described by Israeli officials and outlets including CNN as an Omani national who had worked for Flydubai for only about eight or nine months.

Then came the name.

ABC News, citing multiple sources familiar with the investigation, identified the suspect on 2 October as 29-year-old Hamam Al Hammami, also spelled Hamam Alhamami or Hamam al-Hammami.

According to those sources, Al Hammami had previously been removed from flying duties at Oman Air in 2024 after being found with extremist materials. He later joined Flydubai who is apparently okay with extremist material, was transferred from Saudi Arabia to the UAE, and allegedly told investigators that he intended to crash the plane in Israel.

The Wall Street Journal, Al Arabiya, and other outlets have reported the same identification.

The name has not, however, been uniformly confirmed publicly by Flydubai or the UAE government, so anyone preparing the definitive social-media infographic should probably resist the urge to add a giant red stamp reading "CASE CLOSED" just yet.

The central claims circulating in the graphic are consistent with the reporting: an Omani Flydubai co-pilot, an Israel-bound flight, an alleged attempt to crash the aircraft, and the name Hamam Alhamami.

That does not mean every detail making the rounds online has suddenly graduated from "Internet rumor" to "established fact."

Claims involving Al-Qaeda connections, an inside job, and other embellishments go beyond what major news organizations have established so far, but I wouldn't have a conniption if I found out that this is the case.

In other words, there appears to be plenty of disturbing information here without the internet having to add its own director's cut.

Let's patiently wait and see . . . but hurry.

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Media Elite Sunny Hostin Courageously Remembers That She Was Not, In Fact, The Person She Claimed To Be

NEW YORK — In a harrowing display of bravery, daytime television intellectual Sunny Hostin courageously clarified this week that her heroic story about single-handedly subduing an entire jury room was actually about a completely different person who happened to be a man.

Hostin, who spends her mornings delivering authoritative legal wisdom to women waiting in doctor's office lobbies, recently regaled the public with a tale of her days as a lone holdout juror in the murder trial of The Butcher of Tompkins Square Park. According to initial reports from Hostin herself, she had used her raw intellect to dodge flying furniture and single-handedly conquer eleven inferior minds.

"And we were sequestered for nine days; one juror threw a chair at me," Hostin heroically explained during the grand performance. "They were so angry with me and one by one I picked them off and said, 'What about this, what about that,' and we ended up, all 12 unanimously voting that he was not criminally responsible by reason [of insanity]." 

The truth is, they just wanted to get out of that room with her.

To solidify the legend, her production team triumphantly produced a classic New York Times article noting that "Several jurors questioned afterwards said one holdout juror was principally responsible for preventing them from returning a guilty verdict."

"That was me," Hostin declared, perhaps hoping to land a tv gig. 

Unfortunately, mean-spirited conservative journalists ruined the moment by reading the rest of the news archive, which clearly identified the legendary holdout juror as a guy, not Hostin, who, we are fairly certain, she did not identify as a man at the time.

Faced with the grave injustice of public records, Hostin retreated to the safety of the Behind the Table podcast with Executive Producer Brian Teta to adjust the narrative. Teta gently guided his star host through the tragic realization that historical facts exist.

"So, the amount of attention this got was a little bit outsized, I thought," Teta sighed, visibly shaken that anyone had bothered to verify information stated on television. He then gently reminded Hostin about the male juror mentioned in every newspaper from the era.

"I remember him," Hostin suddenly recalled, her memories instantly updating to match reality.

Hostin quickly explained that while the other guy was holding out on the main murder charge, she was holding out on an entirely different charge regarding the dismemberment of the victim. And if you believe that, I have a chicken that speaks French to sell you.

"Yes, he was insane when he killed her. And he said that. He confessed that he didn’t realize that she was even dead. But then he decides to dismember her. I just thought that was so clear and gruesome and despicable to do that to someone’s remains. I thought that he should be found guilty of that. And everyone else did too, except for this one guy. And we were, like, kind of looking at him, like, that was the easy one."

When asked why none of the original jurors bothered to mention her or the dramatic airborne chairs to reporters 35 years ago, Hostin patiently explained that the press simply lacked the mental capacity to capture her brilliance.

"So, when I was explaining it to The Times and the news, I guess Newsday or the Daily News or whatever, we were, all of us were really honing in on that mistrial piece. Because it felt bad," Hostin said, not very convincingly. 

Before moving on to the next segment, Hostin generously offered a public service announcement to remind everyone that her critics are simply too uneducated to understand her brilliant memory lapses.

"So, while I know it’s complex for the average person, it’s not only, it wasn’t complex to me then. And 35 years later, now as an attorney for over 30 years, it’s not complex to me now," Hostin boasted.

At publishing time, Hostin was preparing a new segment detailing how she personally drafted the U.S. Constitution, though producers noted she may later clarify that she was actually just reading a printed copy in middle school.

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CA Democrat mayor accused of drunken behavior and much more

ANAHEIM, CA — In a stunning display of progressive tolerance, local Golden State officials were shocked this week to discover that yet another blue-state Democrat leader might not actually practice the saintly, inclusive virtues they relentlessly preach to everyone else. 

No, I'm not referring to Gavin Newsom or Adam Schiff. Good guess, however.

Anaheim Mayor Ashleigh Aitken, a staunch Democrat currently seeking re-election, is facing a scathing 25-page legal filing from her own chief of staff, Berenice Ballinas. The claim alleges that the mayor spent months delivering a masterclass in identity politics, mostly by allegedly getting thoroughly commode-hugging drunk and berating her own aide for being Mexican, Catholic, and not lesbian enough.

According to the filing, Aitken’s progressive credentials hit a slight bump during an April 2025 City Council meeting where she arrived "visibly impaired by alcohol." Ballinas claims she was tasked with driving the sh*t-faced mayor home in the city manager’s official vehicle, during which Aitken allegedly transformed into a bargain-bin private investigator, rummaging through the city manager's private personal belongings and snapping photo evidence on her phone.

Sources confirm the mayor’s dedication to diversity allegedly took another hit during a May 2025 outing to Disneyland, aka "The Happiest Place on Earth." 

When Ballinas offered to drive the intoxicated politician home safely, Aitken reportedly declined the gesture, allegedly refusing to let "a Mexican" operate the vehicle, proving once again that California's political elite prefer their marginalized groups strictly as voting blocs, not behind the wheel.

Ballinas, a practicing Catholic, also detailed a chaotic team dinner where the mayor allegedly got overly "physically affectionate" with a man who was not her husband, prompting the husband to intervene and drag her away. While stumbling back to the hotel, the mayor reportedly expressed her progressive passion by physically attacking a parked bicycle, knocking it over, smashing its mirror, and promptly collapsing into the street.

When Ballinas frantically informed the husband that his wife was not okay, he offered the quintessential liberal marriage response: "Don't we all?" He later asked Ballinas to Venmo the bike owner to cover the damages, demonstrating classic bureaucratic fiscal responsibility.

The mayor's crusade for total LGBTQ+ inclusion allegedly continued at Disneyland’s exclusive Club 33, where Aitken spent a birthday lunch repeatedly interrogating Ballinas about whether she was a lesbian, before harassing a Disney cast member about his sexual orientation and dating life. 

Disney management later issued a formal complaint regarding "rude, insensitive, and inappropriate remarks," achieving the impossible feat of shocking the folks who run the most corporate woke kingdom on Earth.

Mayor Aitken has naturally denied the allegations, leaning heavily into her flawless liberal record.

"These allegations are extremely serious, and they deserve to be investigated. I did not use the racial slur attributed to me, and I have always been a champion of the LGBTQ community," Aitken said in a Facebook statement, invoking the classic Democratic defense that allyship in public completely excuses total mayhem in private.

At publishing time, the city of Anaheim had launched an independent investigation, while California Democrats scrambled to determine if allegedly drunkenly vandalizing bicycles and uttering slurs can somehow be blamed on climate change or systemic conservatism.

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Terrorist's posts depict his flaming anti-Semitism as Israel vows he'll pay

In a shocking turn of events that somehow managed to surprise western media analysts, a commercial flight from Dubai to Tel Aviv was nearly brought down by a man who was merely seeking a peaceful debate about foreign policy at thirty thousand feet.

Authorities confirmed that an Omani co-pilot stabbed the primary captain and attempted to crash the airliner carrying 174 mostly Israeli passengers, including 20 children, in what experts initially labeled a localized misunderstanding over flight routes.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu addressed the assault, stating, “As time passes, the picture is becoming clearer. The attacker underwent Islamist radicalization. He intended to crash the plane with all its passengers on board. We are now investigating whether he was sent, and whoever sent him will pay a very heavy price.”

Despite the co-pilot’s extensive social media posting history advocating for religious violence, mainstream media outlets spent the morning investigating whether air turbulence or severe economic anxiety might have been the true instigators of the cockpit dispute.

“This was a person who was willing to commit suicide,” an Israeli official told The Times of Israel. “His social media accounts [say] clearly that he has been radicalized into jihadist ideology.” The official added, “We can’t say for sure until the investigation’s over. But it certainly seems like he was a suicide actor who was probably going to try to down that plane.”

Fortunately, the attack was interrupted when several passengers failed to wait for a properly vetted security protocol and took matters into their own hands.

Passenger Yaniv Hayun described the moment: “The door apparently wasn’t locked, and we managed to open it. What made it difficult for us was the [Indian] pilot himself. He had been stabbed and was on the other side of the door.”

Another passenger detailed how they subdued the assailant using standard consumer electronics, proving once again that wired headphones are superior to wireless models: “We jumped on the pilot with force and tied him up using headphones.”

Israeli Defense Minister Israel Katz observed, “The serious incident aboard the Flydubai aircraft was an attempted jihadist terrorist attack, which was thwarted only thanks to the bravery of several Israeli passengers who broke into the cockpit, overpowered the terrorist, and with their own hands returned control of the aircraft to an additional flight crew that was present there.”

Capt. Machchhar and PM Modi

At the time of this posting, the suspect had been transferred to the United Arab Emirates for interrogation, while international advocacy groups drafted a stern statement condemning the passengers for using improper physical restraint and unauthorized audio accessories.

Fun Fact: the brave pilot who was flying the plane and was attacked has the name Smit Machchhar. My Indian wife tells me the word 'machchhar' means mosquito in Hindi.

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Iranian Regime Calls For Americans To Vote Democratic

In a 26-page sternly worded letter, the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps politely requested that American voters cast their ballots against Republicans because, as it turns out, they and the Trump administration is just being far too mean to the world's premier terror apparatus (though Turkey is currently making a strong run for the title).

The "Open Letter to the Honorable People of the United States of America" released Tuesday urgently pleaded with citizens to elect Democrats and simply stop resisting the Iranian mullahs because, according to Iran, they are actually winning.

Indeed, Iran has achieved "remarkable strategic wins," the English translation declared, leaving experts to wonder what the Persian version says about the state of their centrifuges.

“Although American politicians often win your votes through deception and false promises, as Trump did, you can change the makeup of the government,” the letter stated, offering a Master’s class in international electoral intervention. “Remove from power the evil, deceitful, and violent politicians who are responsible for America’s current state [and let us defeat the Great Satan so that we can destroy the Little Satan as Allah requests of the world's Muslims, inshallah, yadda, yadda].”

At press time, the IRGC was reportedly drafting a follow-up memorandum offering customized "I Voted" stickers for anyone who complies. The stickers will feature a bloody sword and the words 'Kill the nonbelievers wherever you find them, especially the, you know, Jooooze'.

It makes one wonder whether the Kapo, Chuck Schumer, has a deal going with the remaining mullahs. The alligator will eat him and his ilk last--you know what that means.

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