Congress Forced To Pause Entire Government After Rashida Tlaib Suffers Severe Emotional Damage From Mean Words

Tlaib famously able to touch her nose with her lips

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. House of Representatives was thrown into a veritable clusterfrack this week after Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-MI), reportedly suffered a critical outbreak of democracy when Rep. Max Miller (R-OH), said things out loud that weren’t pre-approved by congressional sensitivity coordinators.

The dramatic scene unfolded during debate over a Lebanon war powers resolution, where Tlaib accused Israel of committing atrocities while demanding the United States stop supporting America’s closest ally in the Middle East.

"We must end U.S. participation in the Israeli apartheid regime’s invasion of Lebanon. The Israeli military continues to target journalists like Amal Khalil and use our tax dollars to commit war crimes," said Tlaib.

At that point, Miller apparently made the grave error of responding.

"Its members are butchers that you like to hang out with to a certain extent," charged Miller. "Yes, you advocate for terrorists on a daily basis. You advocate for a terrorist regime every single day."

Witnesses say the Capitol immediately entered DEFCON 1 after a Republican criticized a Democrat too directly.

Tlaib reportedly shouted across the chamber, though congressional stenographers were unable to translate the remarks because they were delivered at the frequency usually associated with malfunctioning smoke detectors.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Are we getting a little emotional?" chided Miller.

Congressional sources confirmed this sentence caused more destruction to the institution than the national debt, insider trading, and 40 years of continuing resolutions combined.

Rep. Jay Obernolte (R-CA) desperately attempted to restore order before the House descended into full therapy session.

"Colleagues, this is a serious topic. We will debate it respectfully and deliberately," admonished Obernolte.

Tlaib then invoked the sacred congressional ritual known as "words taken down," a process originally created so lawmakers could survive exposure to opposing opinions.

"Yes, Mr. Speaker, I am. That is a direct attack on my character. I please request to strike the words down," said Tlaib.

The House immediately suspended all legislative activity while officials launched an emergency investigation into whether anyone’s feelings had been insufficiently validated.

For nearly an hour, Congress halted debate, amendments, and votes to determine whether Miller’s remarks violated the chamber’s strict rules prohibiting members from saying what everyone just heard them say.

Eventually, Obernolte ruled against Miller.

"The words of the gentleman from Ohio contain an allegation that the gentlewoman from Michigan is a ‘butcher’ and affiliated with a terrorist organization," said Obernolte. "Such remarks impugn the patriotism and loyalty of the member of the House."

The ruling effectively sentenced Miller to congressional solitary confinement for the remainder of the day, though lawmakers noted that punishment still falls short of forcing him to watch MSNBC.

But Republicans were not backing down.

House Foreign Affairs Committee Chairman Brian Mast (R-FL) delivered a message from Miller after House leadership confiscated his speaking privileges like a middle-school principal taking away a vape pen.

"‘Yes, I said it. I own it. And I stand by it,’" Mast declared.

Mast then attempted to enter articles regarding Tlaib’s alleged associations into the congressional record, but Tlaib objected faster than CNN fact-checkers during a Trump speech.

Meanwhile, lawmakers also discussed whether artificial intelligence could someday referee congressional disputes.

"AI is actually very good at this," said Obernolte. "You give it a rules manual and then you give it a specific instance and say ‘Is this in compliance with rules or is this a violation of the rules?’"

Experts agreed Congress would likely embrace AI immediately once they discovered it could automatically censor Republicans without requiring overtime from parliamentary staff.

At press time, House Democrats were reportedly drafting new rules prohibiting "microaggressions," "hostile eye contact," and "excessive disagreement."

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House Republicans Finally Pass Border Funding Bill After Only 11 Months of Pretending to Care

WASHINGTON—In a stunning display of courage that left political observers gasping for air, House Republicans on Wednesday finally pulled the trigger on a Senate-approved bill to fund federal immigration enforcement agencies for the remainder of President Donald Trump’s term, right before the government ran out of money and started eating its own tail.

The vote passed 215-211 along strict party lines, because nothing says “bipartisanship” like every Democrat voting to keep the border wide open while calling anyone who wants it closed a Nazi. 

The move ends a partial Department of Homeland Security funding lapse that began February 14th, Valentine’s Day, naturally, and has now become the longest partial shutdown in U.S. history, beating last year’s record like a piñata full of excuses.

With the House’s passage of the Senate’s budget framework, Republicans can now use the magical budget reconciliation process to fund ICE and Customs and Border Protection without having to beg a single Democrat for permission. This is a huge relief, as Democrats have historically been about as cooperative on border security as a cat is on taking a bath with a dog.

The GOP is reportedly sprinting toward a deal that could pump up to $70 billion into the two agencies, money that will presumably be used for things like “actually enforcing the law” and “maybe building a wall that doesn’t have a welcome mat and gift shop.”

President Trump, growing visibly tired of watching his own party treat deadlines like gentle suggestions, gave Republicans a firm June 1st cutoff to get a reconciliation bill on his desk or face unspecified but extremely Trumpian consequences.

“We have a real sense of urgency about getting this done,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson, speaking to Fox News with the weary tone of a man who just spent five hours in a room full of Republicans who still hadn’t decided if they were allowed to win.

To demonstrate this blistering urgency, GOP leadership kept the vote open for more than five hours while gently persuading the holdouts with promises, snacks, and what sources described as “light threatening.” Six brave representatives flipped from “no” to “yes” at the last possible second: Max Miller, Andy Harris, Victoria Spartz, Harriet Hageman, Andrew Clyde, and Michael Cloud. Political analysts called it “a profile in courage,” while others called it “what happens when leadership starts playing Nickelback outside the conference room.”

Some House Republicans remain concerned that the bill still technically “zeroes out” funding for ICE and CBP in certain creative accounting columns, which is apparently different from not funding them at all. As Rep. Eric Burlison (R-MO) put it, “It’s one thing to not do the funding. It’s another to put big, fat, insulting zeros right in the bill like you’re mocking us.”

Thanks to reconciliation, the Senate can now ram through the actual funding with a simple majority, bypassing the Democrats’ sacred 60-vote filibuster tradition of “screaming, foot-stomping, and threatening to move to Canada for the 47th time.”

“We have been forced by the Democrats to use reconciliation,” said Senate Majority Leader John Thune, in the saddest victory speech since participation trophies were invented.

Meanwhile, the White House Office of Management and Budget warned that without funding, DHS personnel could go unpaid in May, once again unleashing chaos on air travel, leaving Secret Service agents and the Coast Guard without paychecks, and generally making the entire country remember why we pay these people in the first place.

At press time, Democrats were reportedly drafting a strongly-worded statement calling the funding of America’s borders “literally fascism,” while Republicans congratulated themselves for almost doing the thing they promised to do.

Yippy-frack!


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