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Tuesday, April 19, 2016

ISIS holds its remaining hand out

In a heart felt plea for help, ISIS is asking for donations as its revenue has fallen 30 percent from last year. Worse, the number of religious ISIS jihadis has dropped by a full third, a new report revealed.

The IHS consulting firm stated that as of last month, the monthly revenue taken in by ISIS was only $56 million. Last year at the same time, the Islamic extremist group raked in $80 million and of course, they are quite upset about it.

"Heads will roll," said Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the head Heat-remover of the terrorist organization. "We cannot allow this disgraceful monetary situation to continue, and I, for one, hear the voice of Mohammad (Peace be upon Him) calling me to reach out to our brothers and sisters within the Islamic community to contribute to our noble cause."

Abu promises to pray hard for Allah's intervention.

The decrease revenue is partly due to a decrease in oil production in their cozy caliphate. Last year about 33 thousand barrels of oil was produced daily, but now it's down to only 21 thousand barrels. IHS said that this is due to airstrikes by Russia and U.S.-led coalition fighters. However, the report states that ISIS was able to make hasty repairs quickly.

The fighting scumcrumpets lost around 22% of its territory (or terrortory, if you prefer) in the last 15 months. Columb Strack an IHS senior analyst told The Telegraph, "Its population has declined from around nine million to around six million. There are fewer people and business activities to tax; the same applies to properties and land to confiscate." 

Taking a cue from US liberals, ISIS is attempting to collect revenue by fining people for driving on the wrong side of the road, not being able to correctly answer questions on the Koran. 

Some of the questions ISIS will ask: "Which religions are composed of pigs and apes?" "If a woman leaves her home without being accompanied by a man, or not completely covered in cloth to hide all exposed skin, should she be stoned, beheaded, or all of the above?"

In an effort to improve their image, ISIS is accepting money in lieu of removing body parts for those who wish to leave cities under their control.

They are also requiring families of the 9-year-old children they abducted for marriage to pay a larger dowry which then goes directly into the coffers of ISIS.