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"Good afternoon, my fellow leftists. I have a few important confessions to make and while I know this is out of character for me, I'm going to go ahead and make them.
"I should have anticipated ISIL when my National Director of Intelligence and his staff warned me about the growing threat. But I didn't attend most of the meetings--I just took the briefings home to read on the toilet, which I like to call 'my library,' and I didn't have a clue about what was going on in the Middle East.
"It was a mistake to blame James Clapper for what was really my short sightedness. I'm sorry, James. Hang in there, dude. It won't happen again, I promise, and you know how I am with promises, so good luck.
"Yes ISIL has grown like an angry tumor on Syria's butt, and yes, they are Islamic. I lied when I said they weren't because that's the way I roll. Ever since I was questioned about the Choom Gang, my lying became ingrained in me to the point where I forgot how to tell the truth.
"I didn't want to get us involved in another war because frankly, war scares me. I believe I've destroyed enough human life with my permissive abortion policies, and I want to put a stop to the killing right now.
"George Bush wasn't as bad as I made him out to be--that was just a political ploy to win elections and avoid blame for my personal screw-ups. Being President of the United States of America is darn hard and if I could just go home today and forget about what's in front of us, what with all the messes in the world, I would run faster than Hussein Bolt, who stole his name from me [big toothy smile].
"So I ask for your forgiveness and at noon tomorrow, I will resign from office as President of the United States.
[Do a Nixon "V" sign with both hands.]
[Back away slowly]
Tweet
"I should have anticipated ISIL when my National Director of Intelligence and his staff warned me about the growing threat. But I didn't attend most of the meetings--I just took the briefings home to read on the toilet, which I like to call 'my library,' and I didn't have a clue about what was going on in the Middle East.
"It was a mistake to blame James Clapper for what was really my short sightedness. I'm sorry, James. Hang in there, dude. It won't happen again, I promise, and you know how I am with promises, so good luck.
"Yes ISIL has grown like an angry tumor on Syria's butt, and yes, they are Islamic. I lied when I said they weren't because that's the way I roll. Ever since I was questioned about the Choom Gang, my lying became ingrained in me to the point where I forgot how to tell the truth.
"I didn't want to get us involved in another war because frankly, war scares me. I believe I've destroyed enough human life with my permissive abortion policies, and I want to put a stop to the killing right now.
"George Bush wasn't as bad as I made him out to be--that was just a political ploy to win elections and avoid blame for my personal screw-ups. Being President of the United States of America is darn hard and if I could just go home today and forget about what's in front of us, what with all the messes in the world, I would run faster than Hussein Bolt, who stole his name from me [big toothy smile].
"So I ask for your forgiveness and at noon tomorrow, I will resign from office as President of the United States.
[Do a Nixon "V" sign with both hands.]
[Back away slowly]
Tweet
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