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Saturday, July 19, 2014

Obama Scares Crap Out of Putin--Wait

President Where's Waldo has given a clear warning to Russia and the Moscow-backed Ukrainian separatists on Thursday that they better not mess with the crash site of Malaysian Airlines flight MH17. The commercial jet was shot down over rebel territory with 298 people on board. There were no survivors.

Obama spoke with Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko by phone and said the US would offer "all possible assistance immediately." According to the White House summary of the call, Poroshenko welcomed the help of international investigators.

Obama, in his "Captain Obvious" pedantic mode said that all evidence of the crash must remain in place on the territory of Ukraine until international  investigators are able to examine all aspects of the tragedy. He obviously learned that on TV where he gets most of his information. He gave a full 40 seconds of his speech to the incident.

It was learned that Vladimir Putin cancelled his bear hunting/fishing trip in the Ural Mountains out of fear that Obama might be serious this time. He plans to cordon off the 10 mile area using American-built fencing that was originally slated to seal of the Southern US border, so that looters and other miscreants "stay the hell away." He said that he got a "good deal" on the fencing.

After Obama's stern warning (we are still trying to discover who this guy Stern is, by the way) he flew to New York City, but prior to that, he stopped in Wilmington, Delaware for a leftist event where he attacked the GOP over infrastructure funding. It seems that Obama has a peculiar way of uniting the country.

While he screwed around and avoided catastrophic world events in order to fund raise, the White House joked that he is working hard behind the scenes to address the crisis. Yes, they said "crisis" as if there was only one crisis taking place in the world. 

Perhaps Obama needs to watch more TV and do less fund raising.

Sen. John McCain (R) said that the United States should know what happened "within hours" and our response should be "within minutes," where we move to arm Ukrainian government forces if the separatists were guilty of shooting down the jet.

Republican House Speaker John Boehner said that we should wait and see what actually happened to MH17. "Many innocents were killed today. It is horrifying, and we await the facts. Right now, we should all take a moment to reflect, count our blessing, and convey our prayers to the loved ones of the victims."

James Clapper, the Director of National Intelligence, merely scratched his head and said nothing of significance or fact.