Iran's Supreme Leader, Looking Super Healthy and Totally in Charge, Vows to Keep Nukes and Missiles, Because Reasons

Supreme Leader Khamenei Jr. issues warning to US

TEHRAN — Despite persistent rumors that he might be one strong breeze away from meeting his 72 virgins, Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei signaled on Persian Gulf Day that the Islamic Republic is digging in on its cherished nuclear and missile programs. This comes as President Donald Trump continues his controversial and highly provocative efforts to pursue peace.

While reportedly in "questionable health," the ailing cleric took to the internet from what sources describe as a heavily fortified hospital bed to issue a bold statement vowing to protect the regime's "nuclear and missile capabilities." Tensions remain sky high over the Strait of Hormuz, where Iran bravely confronts the United States by occasionally yelling at passing cargo ships. Khamenei escalated his trademark rhetoric against Washington, declaring the only suitable place for the American military in the Persian Gulf is "at the bottom of its waters."

"By God's help and power, the bright future of the Persian Gulf region will be a future without America, one serving the progress, comfort and prosperity of its people," a translation of the statement read.

"We and our neighbors across the waters of the Persian Gulf and the (Gulf) of Oman share a common destiny. Foreigners who come from thousands of kilometers away to act with greed and malice there have no place in it – except at the bottom of its waters."

The Junior Supreme Leader cast the U.S. as a meddling outsider with zero legitimate business in the region and insisted the Gulf’s future must be “without America.”

Before photo

"Two months after the world's biggest military campaign and aggression in the region and America's shameful failure in its plan, a new chapter is dawning in the Persian Gulf and the Strait of Hormuz," the statement read.

Among the strongest quotes from the Iranian leader, as translated: "The foreigners who greedily commit evil in it from thousands of kilometers away have no place in it except in the depths of its waters."

"Ninety million brave and honorable Iranian compatriots . . . consider all the capacities of identity, spirituality, humanity, science, industry and basic and new technologies, from nano and bio to nuclear and missile, as their national capital and will guard them like water, land and air borders."

"With practical gratitude for the blessing of implementing management of the Strait of Hormuz, Islamic Iran will secure the Persian Gulf region and eliminate the hostile enemy's abuses of this waterway."

Analysts noted that while the statement was fiery, the only thing Iran appears ready to launch successfully these days is strongly worded social media posts from a leader who may or may not still have a pulse. Iran's Islamic gay community is holding its collective breath.

Trump, meanwhile, is reportedly still open to a deal if the Ayatollah can just stop threatening to sink the world's navies from his sickbed.

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