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FRISCO, TX — President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that the United States is now “very close” to replacing Iran’s infrastructure with a large smoking crater after the regime allegedly spent months “tap, tap, tapping” its way through negotiations like a telemarketer trying to extend your car warranty. Is anyone really surprised?
“I may keep going,” Trump told Fox News correspondent Trey Yingst. “They had a chance to sign a deal and survive.”
According to administration officials, Iran reportedly believed it could stall talks indefinitely by recycling the same strategy it used on previous American presidents: smile politely, drag things out for years, collect pallets of cash, and wait for CNN and MS Now to explain why America is the real aggressor and Trump is a bad man.
Unfortunately for Tehran, they are no longer negotiating with the foreign policy genius who gave them the JCPOA and a free pass to chant “Death to America” between uranium enrichment sessions.
“We hit them hard yesterday, and we're going to hit them again hard today,” Trump told reporters at the White House. “And we'll see what happens with the deal. We were really close to a deal, but they keep tapping us along. They keep playing us for suckers because you know what? They dealt with some very stupid Presidents.”
I can't imagine who he is referring to.
Trump later clarified that by “very stupid Presidents,” he was referring to any commander in chief who thought the Iranian regime could be bribed into becoming Sweden.
“It was just tap, tap, tap,” Trump said. “I don't know what they are doing.”
Sources close to the administration confirmed Iran’s negotiating strategy largely consisted of pretending to compromise while enriching uranium and funding every terrorist organization west of the moon.
Trump also blasted Barack Obama’s nuclear agreement with Iran, calling it “the worst deal.”
“We want a deal that is meaningful, a deal that works. We don't want a Barack Hussein Obama deal, JCPOA, the worst deal,” Trump said, making sure we remember Obama's Islamic-sounding name. “That was a path to a nuclear weapon.”
Political analysts say Democrats were deeply troubled by Trump’s comments because they prefer their hostile Islamist regimes “stable, respected, and flush with American cash.”
Trump warned that a nuclear Iran would spell disaster for the region.
“If they had a nuclear weapon, there would be no Israel, there would be no Middle East, and they would have absolutely shot at us,” Trump continued.
Meanwhile, Trump casually revealed that the U.S. military has apparently been vaporizing Iran’s oil operations while most corporate media outlets remained busy fact-checking whether Trump used an improper verb tense during a rally speech.
“Did you know we've been taking out millions of barrels of oil?” Trump asked. “Nobody knows it. You know who doesn't know about it? Iran. Until right now. We took out, the other night, 22 ships.”
Pentagon officials later confirmed the administration had also launched a secret mission protecting ships through the Strait of Hormuz, resulting in over 100 million barrels of oil reaching global markets safely.
“This wildly successful effort is because the UNITED STATES of AMERICA CONTROLS the Strait of Hormuz — NOT Iran,” Trump wrote on Truth Social. “Their military is defeated, and their economy is lost. It’s over for Iran!”
The Communist News Network [CNN] reportedly responded to the post by immediately assembling a panel of former Obama officials to explain why controlling a strategic global oil route is actually problematic for democracy.
The conflict escalated after CENTCOM launched “self-defense” strikes against Iranian military targets following the downing of a U.S. Apache helicopter near the Strait of Hormuz.
Trump described the rescue of the helicopter pilots as “a miracle,” explaining that an Iranian drone became lodged in the aircraft during the attack.
“It was on fire, it was hot,” Trump said, sounding almost as if he was feeling the heat.
Military experts confirmed this still remains significantly less uncomfortable than sitting through a State Department briefing under the Biden administration.
Iranian officials responded to Trump’s comments by vowing they would “respond to threats accordingly,” which analysts translated loosely as “angrily issuing statements before another military facility explodes mysteriously overnight.”
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth also warned Iran against escalating the conflict further.
“President Trump is seeking a deal,” Hegseth said. “But not just a deal, a great deal on behalf of the American people so that Iran never gets a nuclear weapon.”
At press time, European leaders were reportedly urging “restraint” while quietly hoping the United States continues doing all the work.
Trump later clarified that by “very stupid Presidents,” he was referring to any commander in chief who thought the Iranian regime could be bribed into becoming Sweden.
“It was just tap, tap, tap,” Trump said. “I don't know what they are doing.”
Sources close to the administration confirmed Iran’s negotiating strategy largely consisted of pretending to compromise while enriching uranium and funding every terrorist organization west of the moon.
Trump also blasted Barack Obama’s nuclear agreement with Iran, calling it “the worst deal.”
“We want a deal that is meaningful, a deal that works. We don't want a Barack Hussein Obama deal, JCPOA, the worst deal,” Trump said, making sure we remember Obama's Islamic-sounding name. “That was a path to a nuclear weapon.”
Political analysts say Democrats were deeply troubled by Trump’s comments because they prefer their hostile Islamist regimes “stable, respected, and flush with American cash.”
Trump warned that a nuclear Iran would spell disaster for the region.
“If they had a nuclear weapon, there would be no Israel, there would be no Middle East, and they would have absolutely shot at us,” Trump continued.
Meanwhile, Trump casually revealed that the U.S. military has apparently been vaporizing Iran’s oil operations while most corporate media outlets remained busy fact-checking whether Trump used an improper verb tense during a rally speech.
“Did you know we've been taking out millions of barrels of oil?” Trump asked. “Nobody knows it. You know who doesn't know about it? Iran. Until right now. We took out, the other night, 22 ships.”
Pentagon officials later confirmed the administration had also launched a secret mission protecting ships through the Strait of Hormuz, resulting in over 100 million barrels of oil reaching global markets safely.
“This wildly successful effort is because the UNITED STATES of AMERICA CONTROLS the Strait of Hormuz — NOT Iran,” Trump wrote on Truth Social. “Their military is defeated, and their economy is lost. It’s over for Iran!”
The Communist News Network [CNN] reportedly responded to the post by immediately assembling a panel of former Obama officials to explain why controlling a strategic global oil route is actually problematic for democracy.
The conflict escalated after CENTCOM launched “self-defense” strikes against Iranian military targets following the downing of a U.S. Apache helicopter near the Strait of Hormuz.
Trump described the rescue of the helicopter pilots as “a miracle,” explaining that an Iranian drone became lodged in the aircraft during the attack.
“It was on fire, it was hot,” Trump said, sounding almost as if he was feeling the heat.
Military experts confirmed this still remains significantly less uncomfortable than sitting through a State Department briefing under the Biden administration.
Iranian officials responded to Trump’s comments by vowing they would “respond to threats accordingly,” which analysts translated loosely as “angrily issuing statements before another military facility explodes mysteriously overnight.”
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth also warned Iran against escalating the conflict further.
“President Trump is seeking a deal,” Hegseth said. “But not just a deal, a great deal on behalf of the American people so that Iran never gets a nuclear weapon.”
At press time, European leaders were reportedly urging “restraint” while quietly hoping the United States continues doing all the work.
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