Big job, small job, Starbucks got you covered, if you flush

No matter your age, gender, race or ability to buy a cup of overpriced coffee, if you need to take a wiz, wash your socks or body parts in a sink, Starbucks got you covered.

The bitter coffee chain has announced that it will no longer allow only paying customers to use the their toilets and bathroom sinks, they have now gone public with their restrooms and anyone can do their job there.

Starbucks' CEO Kevin Johnson announced their new policy Saturday and employees and customers alike aren't pleased. The "Third Place Policy" [as opposed to their "Turd Place Policy"] states that employees should consider anyone who enters any of their pretentious coffee establishments, including their toilets, cafes and patios, a customer "regardless of whether they make a purchase" or simply enter to answer the call of nature.

"We are committed to creating a culture of warmth and belonging where everyone is welcome," Starbucks said, after demanding that every one of their thousands of employees receive sensitivity training because a manager who was following company policy did not allow two black men to use their toilet because they were non-paying men in possession of the "Black Card."

Customers using the safe Starbucks space must still follow a set of general guidelines, which requires them to love their fellow man except for President Trump, be considerate of others and don't urinate on their shoes, communicate with respect and don't use words like "m***erf***er" and other similar disparaging terms, and act responsibly by not forgetting to flush and turn off the water in the sink. 

Otherwise, they might be begged to leave, especially if they're white men with decent incomes.


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