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Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Cow farts now regulated in California

In a brave and stunning move to fight the battle against climate change and atmospheric odor, California Gov. Jerry Brown is pushing through a law to keep cow farts down to a tolerable level. This is intended to reduce greenhouse-gas emissions from dairy farms and landfills and make traveling throughout the state of California more enjoyable.

"You know, when Noah wanted to build his ark, most of the people laughed at him," Brown pontificated, adding that the ark saved all of Earth's species [except for those that go extinct day by day].

"We've got to build our ark too, by stopping . . . dangerous pollutants," Brown said, alluding to cow farts and a Bible story still unconfirmed about a guy who was told by God to build a big boat and put in all species of the world in it, which is kind of a story that perhaps children believe.

Although cow farts don't hang around in the atmosphere, they still spoil people's appetites and hasten global warming due to their heat-trapping ability, Reuters, the flatulence experts said. "We're protecting people's lungs and their health," Gov. Moonbeam said.

One of the main methane culprits is cow poop. As per the bill, dairy farmers have to cut methane emissions to 40% below the 2013 levels by 2030 and can do so by actually lighting cow farts in the fields where they occur.

Under a cap-and-trade-plan, farmers will receive aid from he $50 million raised by cow fart fees and other methane producers, which they can then put toward machinery that uses methane to create energy they can in turn sell to electric companies. The perceived difficulty will be in harnessing the farts by funneling them into a gathering tube. 

Cows aren't very compliant and this may be a problem for farmers, but imagine how satisfied people will be when they watch Jerry Brown speak on TV knowing that his message is being powered by bovine flatulence.