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Dear Abu Bakr al Baghdadi:
This is the Commander in Chief of the United States of America, Barack Hussein Obama, writing to you from a little place called "The 19th Hole." I love this place--serves the best Mai Tai's of any golf course in the country.
I just wanted to warn you that our military plans to continue launching airstrikes in Mosul and then we plan to put Iraqi ground forces in place for you to take target practice and soon scare away.
Any weapons and vehicles the Iraqis leave behind belong to the United States and I would appreciate it if you would give them back to us.
We would attack sooner, but the Iraqi army has yet to get through basic training and many still cannot take their rifle apart blindfolded. In fact, many of them are afraid to be blindfolded because they are afraid of the darkness that accompanies that situation. Go figure.
So as it stands, the boots on the ground (as those military types like to say) that we plan to use to retake Mosul, isn't going to happen until after the summer. That should give you plenty of time to think about it and hopefully change your mind because I'm going to be targeting your leaders and cut off your supply lines, so don't get any ideas.
I've got two more years at this gig and I don't want any trouble.
It would be wonderful if you would simply go home to your numerous wives and little jihadists, and we will forget this ever happened. I believe in amnesty for all people who deserve it, and all people deserve it--nothing to lose one's head over, if you get my drift.
I know you must have heard that our original plan to liberate Mosul was supposed to be in April of May, but the plans have changed and you should plan otherwise.
Of course, you know and I know that the Iraqi army fights like Michael Moore in a thong, but we have faith in them and know that they will give you all you can handle on the battlefield, so think about it. Do you want to live and love back home, or do you just want to go to Jannah and have 72 virgins you've never met and know nothing about?
Yes, I know the American public voted for me as their leader knowing even less about me than you know about your virgins, but at least I can't give the nation an STD.
So let me sum it up for you:
1. We will be using airstrikes for now, maybe 20 to 50 a day maximum. Most likely in the early morning, so be prepared.
2. Mosul is yours until the end of summer, at the very earliest. We were going to make our move in April or come what May, but now it's going to happen prolly around September or so. (Do you like the way I substituted "prolly" for probably? Am I cool or what?)
3. We plan to target your leaders, especially guys named Al or Ibn. They know who they are.
4. Remember, do not, under any circumstances, keep any of the weapons the Iraqi army may throw away in order to lighten their load as they run like Chris Matthews with his pants on fire.
I hope you find this information useful, and if I can be of any further assistance, please do not hesitate to call me or better yet, send me an email.
Sincerely yours,
Barack Hussein Obama, President of the United States of America and, Inshallah, Commander in Chief of the United States of America
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This is the Commander in Chief of the United States of America, Barack Hussein Obama, writing to you from a little place called "The 19th Hole." I love this place--serves the best Mai Tai's of any golf course in the country.
I just wanted to warn you that our military plans to continue launching airstrikes in Mosul and then we plan to put Iraqi ground forces in place for you to take target practice and soon scare away.
Any weapons and vehicles the Iraqis leave behind belong to the United States and I would appreciate it if you would give them back to us.
We would attack sooner, but the Iraqi army has yet to get through basic training and many still cannot take their rifle apart blindfolded. In fact, many of them are afraid to be blindfolded because they are afraid of the darkness that accompanies that situation. Go figure.
So as it stands, the boots on the ground (as those military types like to say) that we plan to use to retake Mosul, isn't going to happen until after the summer. That should give you plenty of time to think about it and hopefully change your mind because I'm going to be targeting your leaders and cut off your supply lines, so don't get any ideas.
I've got two more years at this gig and I don't want any trouble.
It would be wonderful if you would simply go home to your numerous wives and little jihadists, and we will forget this ever happened. I believe in amnesty for all people who deserve it, and all people deserve it--nothing to lose one's head over, if you get my drift.
I know you must have heard that our original plan to liberate Mosul was supposed to be in April of May, but the plans have changed and you should plan otherwise.
Of course, you know and I know that the Iraqi army fights like Michael Moore in a thong, but we have faith in them and know that they will give you all you can handle on the battlefield, so think about it. Do you want to live and love back home, or do you just want to go to Jannah and have 72 virgins you've never met and know nothing about?
Yes, I know the American public voted for me as their leader knowing even less about me than you know about your virgins, but at least I can't give the nation an STD.
So let me sum it up for you:
1. We will be using airstrikes for now, maybe 20 to 50 a day maximum. Most likely in the early morning, so be prepared.
2. Mosul is yours until the end of summer, at the very earliest. We were going to make our move in April or come what May, but now it's going to happen prolly around September or so. (Do you like the way I substituted "prolly" for probably? Am I cool or what?)
3. We plan to target your leaders, especially guys named Al or Ibn. They know who they are.
4. Remember, do not, under any circumstances, keep any of the weapons the Iraqi army may throw away in order to lighten their load as they run like Chris Matthews with his pants on fire.
I hope you find this information useful, and if I can be of any further assistance, please do not hesitate to call me or better yet, send me an email.
Sincerely yours,
Barack Hussein Obama, President of the United States of America and, Inshallah, Commander in Chief of the United States of America
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