Obama's 2013 State of the Schism Address

Last night President Barack Hussein Obama gave his fourth State of the Schism Address on live TV, in front of his fans and coal-generated electrical lights. He spoke for about an hour and seemed to dazzle the left as he baffled the right with his fairy dust solutions to America's woes. He said a lot of stuff; he always says a lot of stuff, and let's face it, he says nothing better than anyone else, except perhaps, Nancy Pelosi. (She is currently being measured for her straight jacket and Biden is her tailor).

I have pulled out the transcript of the entire diatribe and have decided that instead of directly commenting on the content, I would be inside Obama's head and speak the words he actually might have thought but didn't say. Now I understand that I cannot  possibly know what was in our fearless leader's mind, but I am allowing myself artistic license. If you believe you have a better take on a particular statement, please feel free to comment on it. 

For mercy sake, I will not transcribe all of the speech as I saw it, but only some of the more obvious verbal diaperage, (my new made up word of the day). I will italicize and encase in parenthesis my take while leaving Obama's words untouched.

Fifty-one years ago, John F. Kennedy declared to this Chamber that "the Constitution makes us not rivals for power but partners for progress . . . " (I already have the power and Kennedy is already dead.)  "It is my task," he said, "to report the State of the Union--to improve it is the task of us all." (And you conservative slobs are gonna pay up the wazzoo before I'm done here.)

Tonight, thanks to the grit and determination of the American people, there is much progress to report. (You might call it a debt crisis but it's only a crisis if that wasn't my plan in the first place.) After a decade of grinding war, our brave men and women in uniform are coming home (whether we're done there or not and tough break for the poor folks who didn't make it--they will have died for a good cause--mine). After years of grueling recession, our businesses have created over six million new jobs (if you disregard what FactCheck.org says to the contrary). We buy more American cars than we have in five years, (screw Bush) and less foreign oil than we have in twenty (because my damned regulations couldn`t keep the private market out) . . . .

Together, we have cleared away the rubble of crisis (not counting the rubble from Benghazi, but so what-those guys were expendable) and can say with renewed confidence that the state of our union is stronger (like Cuba under Fidel) . . . . 

 It is our unfinished task to restore the basic bargain that built this country--the idea that if you work hard and meet your responsibilities, you can get ahead, no matter where you come from, what you look like, (or who or what you choose to have sex with).

It is our unfinished task to make sure that this government works on behalf of the many (who pay nothing into the government) and not just the few (who I don`t care a fiddlers fart about); that it encourages free enterprise (just as long as it's free for my donors and supporters) reward individual initiative (because that gets them to do my heavy lifting and taking the fall--oh, thanks Eric, Susan, Hillary and Leon, if I forgot to mention it)--and for the rest of you, you know who you are) and opens the doors for opportunity to every child across this great nation ( and soon to be Caliphate) . . . . 

The American people don't expect government to solve every problem (but dammit, I do). They don't expect those of us in this chamber to agree on every issue. But they do expect us to put the nations's interests before party (and America's interests are what I say they are, mother#@*!s) They do expect us to forge reasonable compromise where we can (just look at my zombies, they're eating this garbage up like pigs at the troth. Nancy is looking at me like she wants to carry my baby--she can't even carry my water). For they know that America moves forward only when we do so together, and that the responsibility of improving this union remains the task of us all . . . . 

Over the last few years, both parties have worked together (on the planet Zolar) to reduce the deficit by more than $2.5 trillion (and if you believe that, you would probably also believe that snakes have hips) --mostly through spending cuts, but also raising tax rates on the wealthiest (enemies of socialism) 1 percent of Americans. As a result, we are more than halfway towards the goal of $4 trillion in deficit reduction (and should be there by the time all the blondes die out and the dinosaurs return to Brooklyn) that economists say we need to stabilize our finances. (Listen to those idiot liberals applauding this crap--I'm on a roll, baby--Leno tonight) . . . .

Now we need to finish the job. And the question is how? (The answer is obvious peons--allow me to remain as your leader until such time that I deem myself no longer capable of handling my leadership. I say, screw term limits--if that Jew, Bloomberg can do it, why not me?) . . . .
    
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I'll stop here to protect the G rating of my blog thus far. Suffice it to say, Obama talks pretty, but his insides are darker than a black hole in the far reaches of the Crab Nebula. I will continue with more of my take on his give, but it too will not be pretty.




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