Posts
September 10, 2001
Dear Diary,
Well, tomorrow's the big day and Mohammad Atta, my brave jihadist, has cut off his beard, slept with a couple of fine looking American prostitutes with golden hair, (unlike my four wives who refuse to dye theirs), and has made namaz at mosque in order to enter Paradise tomorrow. The very thought of what is about to happen sends tingles up my legs and makes me want to plow my youngest wife's fields, if you know what I mean, Diary. Anyhow, I have the fingers of my left hand crossed in hopes that tomorrow will go off with a bang.
Your devoted scribe,
Osama
September 12, 2001
Dear Diary,
Forgive my handwriting as I have to write to you in the darkness of a cave. I believe this will be a temporary situation as I am confident that Islam will soon rule the world and the Caliphate will come to America. The jihadists were successful and America has gone to its knees. Infidels were killed in the name of Allah. We will rule the world. Allahu Akbar.
Your devoted scribe,
Osama
November 3, 2001
Dear Diary,
Sorry I haven't written in so long but the infidels are really angry about my holy jihad. They are trying to kill me but Allah, yadda yadda yadda--I forgot those holy words as I am being targeted for death--will protect me. The Afghan people are very supportive and have given me a comfortable cave with a small television that uses a coat hanger as an antenna, but it will have to do for now, until the world is one big Caliphate and everyone will say "There is no God but Allah, and Mohammad is His Prophet," peace be upon Him." Good, I remembered the magic words that I had forgotten--perhaps this is a sign from Allah, Inshallah.
Your devoted scribe,
Osama
November 30, 2001
Dear Diary,
My youngest wife, Aisha (it isn't her real name but I like to use the name of the Prophet's youngest wife--the fact that she was nine when he plowed her fields makes me kind of moist, if you know what I mean, Dearest Diary) took her weekly bath today and we "got it on" as those infidel Americans are fond of saying. She seems a little frightened over the fact that the Americans want to kill me but I assured her that this will never happen. They are weak and stupid because they do not believe in a real God as I believe, Inshallah, yadda yadda yadda--damn, I forgot the words again. Anyhow, peace out my Dearest of Diaries. I too shall bathe this week.
Your devoted scribe,
Osama
January 27, 2002
Dear Diary,
Well, another year another gray hair in my beard. Aisha kind of likes it--she says it makes me look like a prophet in my own time. My eldest wife, Nasreen, turned 24 today and we celebrated by plowing her fields. She is so jealous of Aisha (not her real name, remember???) but I assured Nasreen that I find her very attractive for a woman. I am wondering about changing the name of Al Qaeda to a name where the "Q" is followed by a "U" to keep the Americans interested in the name. Maybe I'll call us "Al Quantas." I wish you could speak to me, Dear Diary, and help me with this. I even wish you could speak to me just so I can have a friend. This cave is lonely but it's just a matter of time for the Caliphate to "rock and roll" as the infidel Americans say. Funny thing, Omar, my aid and assistant from Afghanistan, has provided me with American blue jeans to wear along the rough terrain of the mountains. I plan to leave this cave in the morning and head out for the mountain region. What I learned living here in caves these past months is that loneliness is a terrible thing, and that one can actually light his own farts and they burn an interesting shade of green. I have also learned that one must be very careful when lighting them as one's hair easily burns and singes badly.
Have a nice day, Diary,
Your devoted scribe,
Osama
For Part Two of Osama's Dear Diary, go here
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day terrorism and suspense, my latest novel, Jihad Joe, is now available both in soft cover and as an Ebook--see
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