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NEWARK, NJ—In a shocking display of intestinal fortitude (or lack thereof), roughly 300 illegal immigrants at Delaney Hall, a private ICE detention center, have bravely refused to eat since Saturday, May 23, to protest such unimaginable horrors as spoiled food, inadequate medical care, overcrowding, and the soul-crushing inconvenience of being detained after entering the country illegally.
Sources say the courageous strikers are demanding better treatment, speedier hearings, or immediate release so they can get back to the important business of whatever it was they came here to do. Organizers described the conditions as "basically Auschwitz with worse Wi-Fi," though witnesses noted the facility still provides three meals a day, meals that are apparently not quite up to the standards of a Michelin-starred sanctuary city restaurant.
Border Czar Tom Homan, unfazed as usual, offered the following compassionate, empathetic response:"Look, I've done this since 1984. Hunger strikes never work," Homan said. "We're not going to change what we do because someone goes on a hunger strike. As a matter of fact, if it gets bad enough and the physicians feel like they're putting themselves in extreme danger, medical danger, then we'll force-feed them. We'll get a court order and force-feed them."
"Hunger strikes do not work. So they can put themselves in a position where they're not eating, but it's not going to cause them to be released," he said. "We are going to continue to arrest people. We'll continue to detain people. As far as complaining about ICE contract facilities, well, guess what? We're building our own warehouse facilities. We will have the federally-owned detention facilities by the thousands of beds. So look for the future."
"And I've said from day one, we need to own more of these facilities when we operate them on federal land," he added. "And that way, we're not dealing with all this crap from the local politicians and the state and the governors because this is a federal facility on federal land. That's the direction we need to go to. And that's the direction we're heading in."
At press time, the hunger strikers were reportedly considering escalating their protest by dramatically sighing and rolling their eyes, while Homan reminded everyone that the border is secure, deportations are happening, and maybe next time just don't get caught.
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