Man wins Darwin Award for punching window of bar and bleeding to death

And the award goes to . . . 

Beach Park, IL -- A drunk and disorderly man was escorted out of a bar in Beach Park, Illinois at around 2 a.m. Police responded to a call of an injured person.

After a preliminary investigation, authorities believe Jonathan Banks, 32, [with a similar IQ] a Chicago native, got into a shouting altercation in the bar and was escorted out by security.

Once outside, Banks was experiencing a conniption and punched his fist through the glass window of the bar, possibly busting a Bud Light neon light, but maybe not. 

Once his fist extended back into the bar, his arm was bleeding badly and he was taken to Vista Medical Center East in unnecessary critical condition. 

Banks did not bank on dying, but die he did, and is now the proud posthumous recipient of the Darwin Awards, given to those folks who are oblivious or unafraid of danger and die anyway.

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American missionary latest winner of Darwin Award

For some strange reason, John Allen Chau, an American missionary, thought it would be a good idea to visit a remote island off the coast of India and make contact with the remote Sentinelese tribe who tend to be hostile to outsiders.

Chau, 26, knew what the dangers were that lie ahead of him, yet still he persisted. He wrote in his journal before he was killed, "God, I don't want to die."

He was intent on making contact with the tribe on North Sentinel Island, and they didn't disappoint him.

"You guy might think I'm crazy in all this but I think it's worthwhile to declare Jesus to these people," his last note read. He had sent it to his family on Nov. 16, shortly before he left the fishing boat that had ferried him to meet the tribesmen and thus, his Maker. He had been illegally ferried there by a local fisherman, and then took a kayak the rest of the way.

The tribesmen looked like scary leprechauns, standing about 5-feet-five-inches tall with yellow paste on their faces. They were angry at Chau's arrival, he wrote, but still, he tried to speak their language and sing worship songs.

"I hollered, 'My name is John, I love you and Jesus loves you," the now dead Chau wrote. He also said in his chronicle that a child shot at him with an arrow that missed but pierced his waterproof Bible.

Chau's mother, Lynda Adams-Chau, wrote in an email that the fishermen saw the tribe burying John on the beach the next day.

Several fishermen involved in helping Chau get to the island and a friend who helped organize the not-so-bright mission, have been arrested.

"They were very well aware of the situation, but they still arranged for a boat and everything," police official Deepak Yadav said. He described the incident as "pushing [Chau] in the mouth of death."

Chau's mother, also a missionary, pleaded for the release of those arrested, saying that her son acted "on his own free will."

On Instagram posts and in his journals, Chau wrote that he found the remote island inspiring but frightening. "Why does this beautiful place have to have so much death here?" he wrote. "I hope this isn't one of my last notes but if it is, 'to God be the Glory.'"

Chau is being seriously considered for top recipient of the Darwin Award.

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Doubled up Darwin Awards: woman tries to outrun car in her high heels

Austin -- The Darwin Awards is going to have a tough time deciding between two strong contenders as to who gets the trophy: the woman who bragged that she could "run fast in heels" or the idiot driver who proved her wrong.

An Austin half-man, half-cretin is facing criminal charges for running over a woman as she attempted to sprint across a road to prove her speed in heels.

The woman was walking back from a bar around 2:30 a.m. Saturday with her sister when an unidentified guy asked her if she could run in the shoes she was wearing. To show the stranger, who she evidently trusted not to do anything untoward to her, started to run across the road.

A maroon SUV drove toward her, hit and dragged the woman about 15 yards as she tried to get to the other side of an intersection along Interstate 35, [ironically the same number as her IQ] according to the Austin PD.

One witness told the cops the driver kept going after hitting the brilliant woman, but "continued to drive east . . . until it was no longer in view."

Police, evidently on a late-night donut run, arrived at the scene about 20 minutes later. They spotted the SUV nearby and identified the driver as Felipe Hernandez.

Hernandez, whose age and IQ are 21, told police "he knew he had hit someone, and proceeded through the northbound service road light, made a U-turn, and sat in his vehicle crying before returning to the scene," his affidavit states.

"I was like, you know, cryin' man. I mean, like, I hit her and stuff, and like that's like bad," Hernandez like said. "I wish I like didn't challenge her, you know?"

The woman was transported to a nearby hospital for a "brain bleed and needed immediate surgery," police said.

Hernandez was charged with failure to stop and render aid, which is a third-degree felony. Why he was only charged with that and not vehicular assault is a mystery.

Hopefully, due to the apparent size of the woman's brain, no serious damage has occurred.


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Naive couple bike near ISIS territory to prove 'humans are kind'--they were proven wrong

A couple of naive, idealistic 29-year-old millennials, quit their office jobs in Washington, DC, unchained their bikes and went on a cycling trip around the world. Their goal was to prove that: "Evil is a make-believe concept we've invented to deal with the complexities of fellow humans."

They were proven wrong.

Jay Austin and Lauren Geoghegan had to prove that evil doesn't really exist. Austin, a vegan, worked for the US Department of Housing and Urban Development. Geoghegan, a vegetarian worked for Georgetown University admissions office. They realized that they were wasting their lives working for a living and decided to go for a bike ride and concurrently prove that people are good and ISIS is not a real danger if you have a good heart and don't eat animals.

Unfortunately, their theory was disproven--they were killed by ISIS last month.

Before he quit his job and then taking the unwitting suicidal bike trip, Austin blogged: "I've grown tired of spending the best hours of my day in front of a glowing rectangle, of coloring the best years of my life in swaths of grey and beige. I've missed too many sunsets while my back was turned. Too many thunderstorms went unwatched, too many gentle breezes unnoticed."

Very heavy, man.

The couple went public on Instagram to document their totally cool journey on a joint blog. The New York Times said that they shared "the openheartedness they wanted to embody and the acts of kindness reciprocated by strangers."

"You read the papers and you're led to believe that the world is a big, scary place," Austin wrote before being murdered by ISIS along with his partner and another couple on bikes.

"People, the narrative goes, are not to be trusted. People are bad. People are evil."

Yes, some people are bad and evil and Austin and Geoghegan learned that the hard way.

"I don't buy it," Austin said. "Evil is a make-believe concept we've invented to deal with the complexities of fellow humans holding values and beliefs and perspectives different than our own. ...By and large, humans are kind. [Yes, just not ISIS humans]. Self-interested sometimes, myopic sometimes, but kind. Generous and wonderful and kind."

And that's why Austin and Lauren deserve to be nominated for the Darwin Awards.

When the couple got to Tajikistan, riding their bikes through the country on July 29th, a car filled with jihadis rammed them. Five Muslim men got out of the car and stabbed the couple to death along with two other idealists, one from Switzerland and the other from the Netherlands.

They were not killed with kindness.

Two days after the murders, ISIS released a video showing the same group of jihadis sitting in front of an ISIS flag as they looked into the camera and vowed to kill "disbelievers." Yes, the religion of tolerance will kill you if you don't believe in Allah and Mo, the prophet of Islam.

It's really very sad but very avoidable.

You don't need to be a genius to know that ISIS territory is dangerous to all non-ISIS members, even Muslims who aren't Islamic enough. But being a progressive, thinking that human nature is all roses and unicorn farts will get you killed if you go biking or hiking in many lands I call the "Stans" and the "Bhad-lands."

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Their boat sinks along with everything they had except their dog

Photo: Zuma Press

A couple who semi-planned for a better life put all their life savings and possessions (think apples in a basket)  into a crappy boat and it sank.

Luckily for them, they came away as finalists in the Darwin Awards and didn't actually have to die to make the cut.

The couple, Nikki Walsh, 24, and her main squeeze, Tanner Broadwell, 26, decided last year that they were tired of working, and tell me, what liberal can blame them for not wanting to work?

"How can we live our lives when we're working most of the day and you have to pay so much just to live?" Nikki asked of a reporter at the New York Post. 

How can we not feel sorry for her and Tanner? Why must they work? Life just isn't fair to them.

"Most of the work you do goes to your home. There has to be another option," she added.

They both quit their jobs

So the landlubbers sold all their furniture and their SUV and bought a 49-year-old 28-foot tub of a boat in Alabama to live on and eventually sail around the world and live happily ever after.

The boat was in the marina of Tarpon Springs, a town on Florida's Gulf Coast. They lived on the boat for several months along with their two-year-old pug, Remy, and stocked up on food and provisions.

"We were pretty prepared," Walsh naively believed, as the Darwin Award competitors planned a trip to the Caribbean.

With less than two days into their misadventure, their boat capsized in a channel of water called John's Pass. 

"We thought the channel was where we were going, but it wasn't," Walsh said. She told the reporter that the boat was equipped with a GPS and they also had paper navigation charts.

"We started freaking out because waves were coming, and it was tossing our boat back and forth," Walsh said, apparently not realizing how little she and Tanner understood about the sea.

Tanner was in the stern, holding onto the dog when the proverbial stuff hit the poop deck.

"My hands were shaking; we were terrified," she said.

Before abandoning ship, they grabbed some clothes and important documents, but not insurance papers because they didn't have insurance on the boat as they planned so wisely, eh. But at least they grabbed some chew toys for little Remy.

Photo: Zuma Press

"I also grabbed Remy's food and just about everything he needed," Walsh said proudly. "He doesn't deserve to go without his favorite toys."

Walsh, who worked as a timeshare sales person, and Broadwell, who drove for Uber, admitted they were "new to sailing."

Duh.

But they still ended up with $90 between them, a cute dog, no jobs, and no boat insurance. 

They're still hopeful, however, for their world-sailing plans and want strangers to pay for it as they've started a GoFundMe. Anyone who believes that this is a worthwhile charity deserves to go sailing with them.

The beggars are seeking $10,000 to rescue the tub, which sunk off the coast of Madeira Beach, Florida. Walsh said raising the boat alone will cost at least $6,700, but I don't believe her--it's always more than they estimate.

The couple is sponging off their family in Jacksonville, Florida, and they can't wait for them to leave and sink another boat or maybe not. They particularly don't like it when Remy glides across their rug on his butt.

"You only have one life. Why spend it doing what you don't love. Money isn't everything!" Walsh told the Post. 

But please go to her GoFundMe site and send money even though it isn't everything.


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