Cardboard Gay Supreme Leader Promises to Keep Running Iran, Possibly From Beyond the Grave

Apparently death and homosexuality is just another bureaucratic inconvenience in Tehran.

Iran's possibly late Supreme Leader Mojtaba Khamenei reportedly reassured Hezbollah that his foreign policy remains fully operational despite the minor setback of probably no longer being alive. Speaking through what observers described as a life sized cardboard cutout propped against a government building, the apparently deceased ruler vowed that Iran would continue backing Hezbollah because apparently even the afterlife has a terrorism budget.

“In line with the policy set by the great martyred Leader of the Islamic Revolution, the Islamic Republic of Iran considers the defense of these oppressed yet powerful mujahideen [of Hezbollah] to be its strategic mandate,” Khamenei allegedly declared, according to posts shared on X, proving that social media now accepts updates from both influencers and apparitions.

The cardboard leader also insisted, “Today, as the nations of the world have grown weary of the tyranny and oppression of the U.S. government and the criminal Zionists, who are the destroyers of lives and generations, just because they refused to allow us to kill them, there remains no path forward except even more jihad and what we call resistance.”

Witnesses said aides periodically rotated the cardboard cutout toward different cameras to create the illusion of leadership while cabinet ministers nodded solemnly at every preprinted statement. Sources inside the regime reportedly confirmed the cutout has been remarkably consistent, never changing its position, never answering questions, and displaying exactly the same level of flexibility as the government itself. [Shades of Joe Biden.]

Khamenei's final proclamation from the great beyond insisted that Tehran has “designated the preservation of Lebanon’s territorial integrity and the absolute, unconditional termination of the Zionist regime’s aggression as the primary condition for any agreement to end the imposed war against the aggressive U.S.”

By aggression, whoever is pulling the gay Ayatollah's string means Jews who fight back after being massacred.

Analysts say the regime remains optimistic that a stationary cardboard silhouette can continue directing Middle East policy indefinitely, especially since critics argue it has shown about as much adaptability and originality as the leadership it replaced.

President Trump is hopeful that it will rain soon in Tehran, soak the cardboard leader, and collapse into a slimy heap.

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