White House Condemns 'Targeted Sabotage' of Reflecting Pool as Repairs Pushed Past July 4 Celebration

Ah, America, land of the free, home of the brave, and apparently also the preferred target range for every half-witted malcontent with a pocketknife and a grudge against beauty itself. In a development that would shock no one who has been paying attention to the ongoing national nervous breakdown, the White House has revealed that our beloved Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool was subjected to what can only be described as an act of aquatic terrorism by the sort of people who look at a shimmering monument to greatness and think, "Yes, this needs more garbage and vandalism."

A court document released by the White House shows that the National Park Service plans to drain the reflecting pool yet again after Independence Day to fix the mess left by these champions of civil discourse. According to the filing, on June 9, U.S. Park Police rolled up to discover that someone had taken a "sharp knife or razor" to the caulk over the foam sealant and engaged in the "destruction of delaminating surface material." As if that weren't enough artistry for one evening, approximately 70 fence post tops were thoughtfully thrown into the water, turning a symbol of reflection into a junk drawer.

This comes, of course, after more than two months of renovations ordered by President Donald Trump, because nothing says "Make America Beautiful Again" like watching your hard work get sliced up by people who probably think spray-painting slogans on war memorials is performance art.

Lands said NPS plans to drain the reflecting pool to conduct repairs, including "assessing and repairing any damage to the lining," and will begin "following the Independence Day celebration."Washington, D.C., is gearing up for massive crowds celebrating America's 250th anniversary, but the festivities have been complicated by these additional masterpieces of progressive self-expression. The National Mall has been adorned with "8647" markings, which the administration correctly reads as the restaurant slang for "eighty-six" meaning "get rid of," paired with 47 for the 47th president. Subtle as a brick through a window.

"It wasn't until several days thereafter that there were recurring cases and videos of people ripping at the coating began to circulate." (Department of the Interior) (Department of Interior)In another act of high-minded protest, some visionary used his own blood to write "I've come" on the Washington Monument. Deep stuff. Really makes you feel the intellectual weight of the resistance.

The White House reports that seven individuals have been arrested in connection with the reflecting pool caper, seven more received federal citations, and 18 police reports were filed. This week, U.S. Park Police released video of a suspect kneeling by the pool and reaching in, because apparently the revolution will be livestreamed in low-resolution security footage.

The White House released a statement on Thursday, positing "this isn’t random mischief – it’s targeted sabotage by anti-American crackpots who despise a strong, proud, and beautiful country."

The White House called the alleged vandals "crazed and deranged lunatics [who] have once again exposed their hatred for America with a cowardly, deliberate attack on one of our nation’s most iconic landmarks."
And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. While President Trump tries to restore some dignity and splendor to the nation's capital, the usual suspects respond by knifing sealants and chucking fence parts like particularly untalented performance artists. These are not misunderstood youths expressing dissent.

These are the spiritual descendants of people who would have complained that Mount Rushmore needed more graffiti. Happy almost 250th birthday, America. Try not to let the lunatics ruin the punch bowl.

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