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TEHRAN, IRAN-- Authorities in Iran reportedly collapsed tunnels and planted mines around their bombed Isfahan nuclear complex this week in what officials described as “a completely peaceful effort” to stop American troops from confiscating uranium the regime insists is only intended for “totally normal civilian apocalypse prevention.”
According to intelligence sources cited by CNN, the Iranian regime deliberately turned the nuclear site into a live-action level of Call of Duty after President Donald Trump reportedly considered sending in forces to seize Tehran’s stash of highly enriched uranium.
Analysts say the move has complicated negotiations between Iran and the United States, mainly because it’s difficult to verify nuclear material when it’s buried beneath several tons of rubble, land mines, and decades of Islamic revolutionary paranoia.
“The fate of the enriched stockpile is one of the key issues in an emerging potential deal between Iran and the US to end the war,” officials confirmed, apparently while trying not to laugh at the phrase “potential deal with Iran.”
Former nuclear official Scott Roecker warned that the regime could now conveniently claim some uranium is impossible to recover.
“If negotiators ‘require that Iran bring the entire stockpile to a central location for verification and ultimately to remove or downblend the material,’ that would place the onus on Tehran to access and ‘provide the full inventory’ of enriched uranium,” Roecker told CNN.
But, “in this scenario, I would worry that Iran would claim that some portion of the HEU was irretrievable,” Roecker said. “We wouldn’t have full confidence that Iran couldn’t retain access to it at some point in the future.”
Experts say this would mark the first time in history Iran has hidden something underground and then acted shocked when nobody trusted them.
Meanwhile, a U.S. official insisted the developing agreement “leads to” Washington obtaining Iran’s enriched uranium stockpile.
“We provide in the agreement that this material would be destroyed on site, and then taken out of the country,” the official said, in comments interpreted by Tehran as “quick, hide the glowing barrels.”
Iran continues to deny it seeks nuclear weapons despite enriching uranium to near weapons-grade levels while regularly chanting for the destruction of Israel, threatening America, and behaving exactly like every Bond villain nation ever written.
Last month, an Israeli military official warned that failing to recover the uranium would make the entire war “one big failure,” a statement immediately condemned by Western academics who clarified that the real failure would be hurting the feelings of Iran’s Supreme Leader.
The broader conflict has already rattled global markets after Iran blockaded the Strait of Hormuz and began harassing commercial shipping while charging tolls like a heavily armed E-ZPass lane run by jihadists.
In response, the U.S. blockaded Iranian oil exports, causing panic among European leaders who briefly considered switching from electric vehicles back to bicycles and emotional support candles.
The U.S. military also announced Saturday that American forces had “downed” several Iranian drones targeting commercial ships in the Strait of Hormuz.
“Iran launched multiple one-way attack drones in an attempt to strike commercial ships transiting the Strait of Hormuz,” U.S. Central Command posted on X.
CENTCOM further insisted that the strait “remains open for transit,” provided ships don’t mind dodging missiles, drones, mines, pirate states, and CNN fact-checkers, which is an oxymoron.
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