California Shocked To Learn Mississippi And Texas Didn't Read Their Own Stereotypes

SACRAMENTO, CA — California officials were reportedly stunned Friday after comedian Bill Maher revealed that two states routinely portrayed by coastal elites as giant truck stops with livestock are somehow beating California at the very things California never stops bragging about.

Appearing on Real Time, Maher delivered what witnesses described as "an unauthorized performance review" of California's governing class.

"Democrats, these are your issues: education, race, the environment," Maher said. "And I say this with love: you’re losing to the Waffle House, car-on-the-lawn states."

The remarks sent thousands of California bureaucrats scrambling to verify whether Mississippi still existed before being informed that it does, and that its students can apparently read.

Maher highlighted education results showing Mississippi outperforming California, causing several education consultants earning six-figure salaries to immediately schedule emergency meetings to discuss the importance of not measuring educational outcomes.

"Did you know that a Black fourth grader in Mississippi is two and a half times as likely to be proficient in math and reading as one in California?" Maher said. "Mississippi is kicking our ass in education and for way less money. We’re 37th in fourth-grade reading. They’re ninth."

California officials responded by announcing a new task force to investigate whether reading scores are racist. 

The situation became even more uncomfortable when Maher turned to renewable energy, one of California's favorite topics after reminding everyone how much they care about renewable energy.

"Texas has passed California in solar and blows away California when it comes to wind and energy storage," Maher said. "How does a state with no pro-climate policies produce better climate results than a state where here, even though we have so much better bumper stickers on our Priuses?"

Experts say Texas achieved the feat by committing the radical act of allowing things to be built.

"I’ll tell you why," Maher said. "Because you’re allowed to build there. Because every third person in Texas isn’t someone whose job it is to make sure nothing gets done."

The comment reportedly caused widespread panic among California permit reviewers, environmental impact consultants, deputy assistant regulators, associate compliance officers, and members of the State Commission for Reviewing Applications to Review Applications.

Maher later pointed to the political machine he believes is slowing the state down.

"That would be the unions, the bureaucrats, the lawyers, the consultants, the regulators and all the special interest friends who make living in this state such a frustrating, maddening experience," Maher said. "It’s why the railroads don’t get built, the potholes don’t get filled, the homeless don’t get housed, the kids don’t learn."

State officials rejected the criticism and announced plans to spend another $4 billion studying why projects never get completed.

Maher also took aim at Republican lawmakers suddenly discovering concerns about President Trump after deciding not to seek reelection.

"Recently, the press has gotten very excited about some Republican senators who've had just about enough of Trump's shenanigans. Yeah, ‘cuz they're retiring."

He later referenced Sen. Mitch McConnell's occasional criticisms of Trump, adding, "I just wish he talked that way when he was alive."

At press time, California had unveiled a new $12 million awareness campaign reminding residents that while Mississippi may have better reading scores and Texas may generate more renewable energy, neither state has nearly as many lawn signs informing neighbors of the correct opinions to hold.

And tons more LGBTQ+QRST#$* flags than ole Miss.

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