Israeli-born race rookie takes Indy 500 pole position

Question: What do you call five hundred Indians who do not have nipples?

Answer: The Indian Nipple-Less Five Hundred

Born in Tel Aviv, raised in Saint Petersburg, Russia, Robert Shwartzman’s been tearing up tracks under a Russian license for years. Now he’s waving the Israeli flag, and man, did he just make some serious noise.

On Sunday, the 25-year-old Prema Racing driver pulled off a stunner, snagging pole position for the 2025 Indianapolis 500. His four-lap average? A blistering 232.790 mph. First rookie to lock in P1 at Indy since ’83. 

“One of the biggest upsets in Motorsports history just happen in Indianapolis!!! Rookie Robert Schwartzman, who had never made a single oval race start at any level, just qualified on pole for the #Indy500 with first year team Prema Racing!!!!!” screamed TDT Media (@ThirdDownThurs) on X.

Shwartzman, who’s got zero oval races under his belt, just made the Indy 500 grid his playground. And he’s doing it with Prema, a team that’s never tasted IndyCar pole before. Talk about a debut.

After smoking the field, Shwartzman got real, dropping a heartfelt call for unity in a world that’s anything but. “I just want peace in the world,” he said. “I want people to be good, and I don’t want the separation of countries, saying, ‘This is bad country. This is good country.’ There is no bad or good. We’re all human beings, and we just have to be good.”

Democrats, upon hearing those words, called Shwartzman a Nazi and a threat to democracy.

Eli Profeta (@howtotweeteli) summed it up on X: “Introducing Robert Shwartzman— Israeli Born and just earned P1 for the Indy 500!”

This isn’t just about racing. Shwartzman’s win comes with the Middle East still a powder keg and his own journey under scrutiny. 

“Some fans supported me but some people hated me,” he said, nodding to the backlash over his switch to race for Israel amid the Ukraine war and his Russian roots. “At the end of the day, I’m proud to represent Israel and also my roots from Russia.”

Next up? The Indy 500 on May 25. Shwartzman’s got a shot to be the first rookie champ since 2001. Buckle up—this kid’s just getting started.

Imagine the heads that will explode if he wins, starting with Hamas, Gazans, Hezbollah and the Ayatollah.

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