Friday, December 29, 2017

Saudi Arabia: the times, they are a changin'

Dubai -- The times, they are achangin' in Saudi Arabia. Bigly. The year 2017 has laid the groundwork for momentous, stupendous, tremendous change next year, defying its super conservative Islamic reputation for slow, cautious reforms by allowing women to drive, more movie theaters to open and to issue tourist visas to its prisoners.

In fact, the kingdom might even get a new king!

Hold you heartstrings Meghan and Harry!

King Salman and his 32-year-old hot, ambitious son and heir to the throne, Crown Prince Mohammed (no kidding) bin Salman, have flipped decades of royal family social norms and protocol on its side. It will not be business as usual.

So what's gonna be, you ask.

1. Women start driving cars and will not be stoned for doing so, unless they drive stoned. Women activists have been arrested in the past before the law was changed but the total number caught was not made public, nor has the punishment for doing what only men were allowed to do way back in the 1990s.

The kingdom plans to start issuing licenses to women in June and they may even be allowed to drive motorcycles as long as they can do so sitting sideways so as not to sexually stimulate men who get stimulated from such wanton teasing.

2. In 2018 women will be allowed to attend sporting matches but will not be allowed to blow the vuvuzela as doing so may stimulate men who get stimulated from such wanton teasing. To alleviate any other possible misconduct by women, a "family section" will ensure women are separate from male-only quarters of the stadiums.

3. Movie theaters will return after 35 years of being banned during a wave of ultraconservative Islamic observance. Many Saudi clerics view Western movies and some Arabic movies as sinful, especially those in which women showed anything above their ankles, excluding their eyes. This was done so as not to sexually stimulate men who get sexually stimulated by viewing female epidermis.  The first three movies expect to open in March.

4. Concerts will be coming to the Big Camel. Rapper Nelly and two Games of Thrones stars actually came to Saudi Arabia and lived to tell about it. John Travolta also visited but didn't let on about his sexual preferences, but instead spoke about the film industry in the U.S.

5. Comic-Con events were even held in major cities and thousands of fans cautiously dressed up in their favorite action-hero costumes, mostly as "Mohammed! the Infidel Slayer."

6. Tourist visas will soon be issued next year and plans to build a semi-autonomous Red Sea destination where strict rules of dress for women in full-body bathing sacks need not apply.

7. In a bid to attract more foreign investment, the crown prince held a huge investment conference days prior to an anti-corruption sweep. The prince said the kingdom needed to return to a "moderate Islam" that is open to almost all religions, not mentioning 'those Jews' and 'them Hindus.'

8. Finally, the plans for a gay biker bar have fallen through.

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