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Sunday, April 2, 2017

Prepper H: not just an ointment anymore

You never know when you're going to need all your survival wits about you. When that blinding flash and sonic boom screw up your day as the country goes to war.

Or the storm that floods the lowlands gets to your front door, and Jessie, your favorite hound, wakes you up to warn you that it's time to get going, not to hunt deer or some form of rodent, but just to survive.
First thing you do is grab you some freeze dried meals, some MREs and your Coleman gear. Next you get your "Go-Bag" and your water supply, knife, your Franchi semi-auto shotgun, your Armalite M-15, just in case they're coming your way--let 'em come--and your LED Lenser M-17R flashlight so you can see 'em comin', and you climb into your hidey-hole. 
Then you remember what you forgot and you go back and get her, and boy, is she pissed. Not a good thing to forget your wife.
But the one thing you'd never forget is your Prepper H Ointment of Cream--that stuff really does it all.

Not only will it relieve the itching and burning of your hemorrhoids, saving you countless trips to the proctologist, or other physicians who specialize in nether regions problems, you can use it as shaving cream if it turns out you're going to be in there for a long spell.

It also makes for great hair gel, and like your butt, your scalp won't itch. Don't worry, you didn't forget the toothpaste--Prepper H will do the trick. Just don't swallow.

And while your locked away from harm and the enemy, you and the misses might want to do what the good Lord made us different for, and that's where Prepper H comes in as a great sex lube. She'll be amazed the way it feels and you will too, but just make sure you clean up real good afterward.

Let's say the coast is clear and you come out after a few weeks in your hole, you're going to need to eat something other than those dry MREs and freeze dried crap. You might want to go fishing.
Prepper H is great on lubricating fishing reels and even your weapons.
It's great for abrasions, burns and lip balm if the sun got at your lips. Just take care not to swallow unless you need it as a stool softener.

And speaking of stool softener, Prepper H is great for sealing toilet gaskets. It also quiets squeaky doors and in the winter, you'll avoid frozen car door locks. On car engines, try it as a handy gasket seal.
Once life returns to some semblance of order, you can use Prepper H as a leather conditioner--your belts and combat boots will thank you-- and even try it as a wood polish.

In rare cases, if you're stranded on a deserted island with Prepper H Ointment or Cream at your side, you can use it to write a message such as "HELP!" in the sand for rescue planes. Just make sure to keep enough on hand for all those other uses.

Aren't you glad you're prepared? Don't you wish everyone was?