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Friday, May 27, 2016

Snake in a toilet latches on to man's "brave soldier"

It should be quite obvious to anyone with a healthy imagination that our absolutely worst nightmare has to be "the snake in the toilet" fear. 

Well okay, maybe not every person, but I had that fear as a kid once I learned how primal and mean snakes tend to be, but it never came to realization as it so happened that I grew up in New York City and we had a snake shortage there.

When I was a young twenty-something, single guy I had a neighbor, Richie--a strange guy who came from a long line of circus performers.

Richie prided himself on being a herpetologist. I thought herpetology had to do with the study of herpes, but later found out that I was mistaken--it's the study of reptiles. 

Richie had two enormous snakes in a fish tank and would feed them little "pinky mice" for dinner. One, he said, was dangerous and he'd never let him out of the tank; the other, not as much.

You might have guessed, Richie had no girlfriend (nor even a boyfriend). People don't particularly enjoy hanging around with folks who hang around a fish tank watching their pet snake slowly devour a poor little mouse. It just seems evil.

Richie lived alone, on the other side of a too-thin wall, barely keeping his snakes from getting to me.

So when I read the Fox News story on the guy in Bangkok who found a peed on python hanging onto his plumbing after slithering through the house plumbing, I found myself understanding Chris Matthews' claim to having tingles running down my leg, only these were fear tingles, not Obama tingles.

Attaporn (Bangkokian for Porn flour) Boonmakchuay, a man who didn't know how to spell his name until he turned 27, is recovering from a bloody and pant-load-inspiring encounter with a 10-foot-python. That's how long it was, not how many feet it had.

The critter must have been spending a relaxing day sunning in the local cess pool when it discovered where the cess was coming from. Being a curious viper it slithered into the pipe that connected to the plumbing that went into the toilet where Attaporn was doing whatever a guy with a name like Attaporn does on a toilet in Bangkok.

He was doing "whatever" over a "squat toilet" when the snake latched its jaws onto Attaporn's penis and wouldn't let go.

He had a big smile on his face when Thai TV interviewed him in his hospital bed after the unwanted oral encounter. The doctors said that he will recover, but photos of his blood-splattered bathroom in Chachoengsao province (where it generally takes 27 years for residents there to learn the correct spelling of the name) testify to the horror of the ordeal.

The 38-year-old told the media that he struggled to remove the snake from his member for 30 minutes before he managed to get free with the help of his wife and curious neighbor who minds everybody's business.

After the snake's jaws were finally pried open, Attaporn passed out and the snake slithered back to the cess pool with a guilty look upon its reptilian face.

Bill Clinton said that "if that damned snake knew how to cook, I'd marry it."