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Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Look out ISIS, we're gonna put the sting on you

Some call it government waste, I call it an opportunity. Government-funded studies spend our money on what many consider to be bizarre, but if you think about some of the applications that these studies can generate, it might change your outlook.

For example, to what degree does a bee sting on a penis hurt its host? 

Since this was one of the studies we've paid for in spades, why not test it out on the members of ISIS? The term 'members' in this case, is  not meant to imply the actual ISIS recruits themselves, but the members belonging to their person. 

To perform the experiment, the researcher can remove the subject's thiab dakhilia, (Arabic underwear), put something on the exposed member that attracts insects, particularly bees, then have a beekeeper provide a kinetic stimulus to the hive containing a queen bee and let 'em have at it. 

Liberals would say that doing such a thing to one's thingy is cruel and Donald Trumpish. But let me ask you, is beheading guys on a nice day at the beach and showing it on YouTube okay? Don't the beheaders deserve to have their bells rung (you can change the vowel in 'bells' if you'd like).

People complain that we're wasting $35 million a year on these crazy studies, but I think they deserve a second look.

Jeff Flake R-Ariz. released the crazy spending report Tuesday. "Twenty Questions: Government studies that will leave you scratching your head," highlights the out of control spending, and he says the money would be better spent treating cancer or Alzheimer's disease.

A pioneer in penis pain and other areas, Michael Smith (not likely his real name unless he's a real idiot) had a bee sting him about 200 times on 25 different body parts, including his penis, which he named "Serge." He then rated how much it hurt.

According to the report, the experimenter grabbed the bee by its little wings and "pressed against the desired sting location." The stinger "was left in the skin for one minute, then removed with forceps."

Most of the bees didn't make it and PETA will, no doubt, have something to say.

The study found that the sting on Serge (rating a 7.3) hurt more than the sting on the scrotum (he had playfully named 'Frick and Frack,'  7.0), or nipple (6.7). But the sting on the upper lip was higher (8.7) and the nostril (9.0).

"Stings to the nostril were especially violent, immediately inducing sneezing, tears and copious flow of mucus," according to the man who calls himself Smith.

"Stings on Frick and Frack actually felt quite pleasant," Smith recalled. "But I wouldn't recommend it to people with normal pain thresholds. 

Think of how useful this information can be when dealing with ISIS or other religious terrorist organizations. We don't have to waste water or time--the little critters do the dirty work.

But the project costing $390,000 funded by a National Science Foundation grant that used high-speed videography and fur particle tracking to study the shakes of 33 wet animals (such as dogs, mice, cats, otters, squirrels, kangaroos, lions, tigers and bears, oh my!) is crazy. How can knowing how many shakes of a lambs tail are needed to dry it to a lamb's satisfaction, help us defeat and destroy ISIS?

By the way, Smith now sings soprano for the Kings County Psychiatric Center Marching Jazz Band.