Obama's State of the Union: Unauthorized Version

I was fortunate to get my hands on President Obama's State of the Union speech that he will give next week. It is uncut and unedited.

My fellow folks,

Well, it's a new year and I'm very optimistic that it's gonna be a great one. My signature legislation has finally gotten off the ground and the folks are gonna see better health care than they ever had in the history of this country. (Try to look like you mean it.) The website is working like a well-oiled machine and we're signing up over five thousand people a day. Even I have signed up, (I had a lackey do it for me) but I already have coverage befittin' my position as Commander in Chief.

I know some of you have your doubts, but let me assure you, the doctors you have now and the policy you've been moved to, you will be able to keep. The 59% of you who oppose the Affordable Care Act, are only opposing it because you can't afford it.

Insofar as Benghazi is concerned, let me put your mind at ease and assure you that my administration is getting to the bottom of this situation. Do not allow the extremists from the Tea Party sway your thinking--Benghazi was not a scandal anymore than the IRS, Associated Press, or Fast and Furious were scandals. It's just the way it is--what I'm saying is, that it is what it is.

Iran promises to follow the rules and will not enrich uranium and try their very very best to get along with Israel. In that regard, they will no longer refer to Jews as apes, nor refer to Christians as pigs. However, they will continue to uphold the same policies they've held dear from the Qu'ran when dealing with gays and women. That's okay. That's to be expected from a nation whose religion is the RELIGION OF PEACE (smile and try not to bow)

As you might have heard, Justin Beiber was arrested for drag racin', drinkin' and smokin' marijuana cigarettes. Justin is a Canadian and it would be unconscionable to deport him, so I ask for your support and prayers. You may know that I've indulged in smokin' up when I was a kid and a proud member of the Choom gang. I feel for the Beebs and Michelle and I plan to have him over for dinner when he can make it.

Edward Snowden has done a web forum to address NSA spying. This has been previously addressed by me and I don't care to discuss it further. Suffice it to say, if we can get our hands on Mr. Snowden, he will face felony charges and will have his day in court. Remember, there is a fine balance between national security and the Constitution.

The military will now be allowed to express their religious and cultural beliefs. Jews can wear yarmulkes, Sikhs can wear their hair long and maintain their beard, and Muslims can wear camouflage burqas. 

And speaking of security, the Olympics are coming (big smile-lots of teeth). President Putin has assured me that security will be at a maximum. While 1500 square miles around Sochi is vulnerable, I trust that our Russian friends will do a top notch job protectin' our athletes. I just wish my man Magic could be there for the team, but he's a summer Olympic guy. In spite of this, we're sendin' over our own security team who'll be keepin' a close watch out for any trouble that may come from extremists like the Christian right wing loonies I've spoken about.

The economy is hummin' like a hummin' bird's butt. More jobs have been created, the minimum wage is goin' up, and we're gettin' out of Afghanistan soon.  Do not believe what you hear on that other TV station and those crazy right wing nut radio stations. Our next step to make this country better is to join hands with our Muslim brothers and sisters, and create a more level playing field for those of us who are less fortunate. Income redistribution is the only fair way to go (except for me, suckers).


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