Mohammad for Dummies

I don't mean to call you a dummy but perhaps you're not familiar with the prophet of Islam--the go-to guy who Muslims are supposed to emulate, whose perfect life was, well, perfect. If you would like a chronology of some, just some of the important goings on in Mohammad's life, I have something that will prove useful and give you an idea of what the hell he was doing since 570 AD. As I said, this is not all inclusive-the Hadith can give you a lot more information like: how to pray, how to brush your teeth, how to pee and wipe your junk off with a stone (seriously), but this is a rough outline.

570  Mohammad (Mo) is born in Mecca to a widow named Amina. (Mo's dad died 6 months before his birth). He was an only child. Amina gave him up to a Bedouin woman to raise him when he was 6 months old. Mo spends his childhood going from uncle to uncle for a while, fully missing out on the fun he could have had playing in the sandbox called Arabia.

595  Mo marries Khadija, a rich, much older lady, who liked the cut of his jib and the hair on his chin.  She later becomes the first Muslim, and unfortunately, not the last.

610  Mo receives his first vision from the angel Gabriel  and while he was at it he had a revelation from Allah. It is highly likely that Mo was having a seizure or was just plain schizophrenic, but that's neither here nor there. Actually, he could have simply been making it up as he went along.

613  Mo begins preaching publicly about the joys of Islam, where you can pray five times a day, cover your woman in a potato sack, and beat her if she complains. Paradise, as Mo described it, was a veritable boys club where the women were aplenty, all of their potato sacks were now removed for your viewing pleasure, rivers of wine flowed (had to wait to die for the wine because it was haram--forbidden--like a lot of other stuff you had to die for to enjoy.

615  Friction with the Quraysh causes some Muslims to leave Arabia for Abyssinia. There was always a lot of Islamic friction throughout their history. In fact, if you are breathing oxygen and you can read these words, you are probably aware of some Islamic friction in the world today.

619  Khadija dies--she didn't have good health care and Obama couldn't help her either.

 

619  Mo doesn't wait for Khadija's body to get cold when he marries 6 yr old Aisha; but he impatiently waits to have sex with her in respect for her father's wish. This is just a fine example of Mo's thoughtfulness for fathers.

620  The Night Journey: Mo reports that he has been carried to Paradise where he met the other prophets. He was carried there by a flying chicken, which is the basis for me not believing this story of the fantastic voyage. I am kidding about the chicken.

622  The Hijra: Mo and his merry band of Muslims flee to Medina to save their sorry butts.

622  Mo consummates the marriage to 9 year old Aisha--he figures by 9 years old, heck, why not? In Saudi Arabia, men are permitted to marry children based on the prophet's dirty deed. And you think shariah law is no big deal?

624  The Nakhlz raid; start of violence in the name of Islam. Lots of dead dudes, messed up camels, heads flying, the who enchilada.

624  Battle of Badr: Muslims overcome great odds and defeat pagan Meccans. The odds-makers are very upset and thus gambling is not permitted in Islam.

624  Muslims besiege Jewish Qaynuqa tribe; exile them from Medina. What Islam has done to the Jews since then is horribly indescribable and clearly anti-Semitic

625  Battle of Uhud: pagan Meccans defeat Muslims--and boy, was Mo pissed. He beats Aisha and has a beer, just to relax.

625  Siege and exile of Jewish Nadir tribe from Medina--anti-Semitic sentiment is clearly unsentimental. 

627  Battle of the Trench: Jewish Qurayzah tribe betrays Mo--after what Mo did to the Jewish tribes, who can blame them? Mo suffers from a bout of trenchmouth.

627  Mo beheads the males of Qurayzah tribe; enslaves women and children. All males with pubic hair were killed, so you can imagine how young they were. The recent killing of the Sobel family in Israel is an example of how children in general, are fair game to Islamic fundamentalists. In this atrocity, a 3 month old baby was murdered.

628  Mo concludes the Treaty of Hudaybiyya with the pagan Meccans. Remember, even Allah is a pagan moon god and was venerated at the Hajj.

628  Mo and Muslims besiege Khaybar oasis and exile the Jews--yet another example of his hatred for them and the tradition lives on because some people, I won't name them, just cannot think for themselves.

628  Mo is poisoned at Khaybar--history believes it was Colonel Mustard who did it, but we're not sure. Most likely suspect is Aisha who is now no longer playing with dolls.

630  Mo and Muslims conquer Mecca--why not, he now had over 10 thousand crazed terrorists who raided caravans, took booty and women, and this went on regularly with Mo and his angry band of jihadists.

630  Muslims prevail in Battle of Hunayn and conquer Ta’if. Mo becomes master of Arabia and has more slaves than any normal man can handle--you can have sex with your slaves as well as your wives in Islam--see, boys club.

631  The Arabian tribes who had been outside Islamic rule, now accept Islam--not like they had much choice--some things never change.

631  Warfare against the Christians: the expedition to Tabuk. Christians who refused to convert to the religion of Mo and his devil-god Al, (I call him Al for short), are slaughtered, much in the same fashion as we might see on a Youtube where some poor guy is on his knees, he is surrounded by religious dudes reading the koran (I still cannot bring myself to capitalize it or spell it in Arabic style), while they pray and gleefully slice off his head. Children as young as ten have been seen online committing this atrocity.

631  Mo dies in Medina June 8th and the Jews say a hearty "Mazel Tov." 

Of course, the rest, as they say, is history. Mohammad had a biography written about 150 years after he died by a Muslim named Bukhari and another Muslim named, well, Muslim, and it tells of the fights, the screwing, the torture, the beheadings, the booty, the sex, the fights, the torture--you get the idea.

I hope this has been useful as a tool in the understanding of the life of Mohammad and his religion of peace. It is Islam's contention that there will be peace in the world when all the world prays to Allah.

 

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 click here for softcover Jihad Joe 
     

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