Graham Platner returns like a boomerang on a rope: Dems pissed

Graham Platner was supposed to be yesterday’s problem. Fat chance.

Instead, the former neo Nazi Maine Senate candidate has apparently decided to become the Democratic Party’s version of that mysterious brown stain on the carpet that refuses to disappear no matter how much everyone insists the room has been cleaned.

Platner was forced out of the Senate race after his disturbing social media history, Nazi tattoo, domestic abuse allegations, and a credible rape allegation became impossible for Democrats to ignore. There’s damaged goods, and then there’s Graham Platner, who somehow managed to make damaged goods look like a luxury product.

Naturally, like an ugly puss pimple on a hot date, he’s back.

Comrade Platner is now scheduled to headline a Labor Day rally in Maine, prompting Democrats who had desperately hoped to move on from the controversy to react with gastroenteritis and flatulence.

According to the Bangor Daily News, Democrats are confused and frustrated that activists in Hancock County announced the rally featuring this alleged sexual abuser. The event comes as the party attempts to rally behind its new Senate nominee, former Maine Senate President Troy Jackson, who is trying to build a national campaign against five-term Republican Sen. Susan Collins.

Jackson has his own Platner-ish problems, but that's a story for another time. I'll just say, not only is he married to his second cousin, he's alleged to be abusive toward her.

Republicans have already spent weeks trying to tie Jackson to Platner. So naturally, the last thing Democrats need is for Platner to grab a microphone, step onto a stage, and remind everyone why they spent so much time trying to make him disappear.

“I don’t know what they were thinking,” former Maine Democratic Party Vice Chair Peggy Schaffer said. “He’s not an elected official, not a union member, and he’s an accused rapist.” [She left out alleged domestic abuser.]

"And this one is my Totenkopf. Nice, right?"

Jordan Wood, who ran for the Senate and House earlier this year and is working to elect Jackson and other Democrats, was equally concerned.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Wood said. “I think it’s important for the many Democratic campaigns to move on from that. Highlighting him at an event is unproductive and unhelpful for those campaigns.” Because when you pull the curtain back, you see the slime bucket this guy is.

That seems like a fairly straightforward message: Please stop inviting the controversial former candidate to Democratic events.

Unfortunately, Democrats have never been particularly good at following their own advice when a politically useful ally is accused of sexual misconduct.

Just ask Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner, Eric Swalwell, Al Franken, or Andrew Cuomo,.

Platner’s alleged victims are not laughing.

Jenny Racicot and Lyndsey Fifield, who have accused Platner of rape and domestic abuse respectively, released a statement condemning the decision to give him another public platform. And they are Democrats!

"Last month, we came forward at great personal cost to tell the world who we knew Graham Platner to be. We shed light on some of the darkest, most painful days of our lives and detailed the toll – physical and emotional – that his abuse took on each of us. Neither of us wanted to be forced into the spotlight, but we came forward because we believe in building a future where no other woman has to endure what we did.

"In the weeks since we spoke out, Graham Platner has had every opportunity to take accountability for the pain he has caused. Instead, he has continued to double down – discrediting us and telling blatant lies about his past. And now, he’s trying to sweep the truth under the rug and pretend things are back to normal.

"While Graham’s behavior sucks, it’s hardly surprising. What is surprising is that there are people who are still willing to give him a platform despite his refusal to take any accountability for his actions. It’s a slap in the face, not just to us, but to survivors everywhere. Our message to Mainers: stand with survivors and refuse to platform abusers."

Cheyenne Hunt, executive director of Reckoning Action, also demanded that Democrats reconsider the invitation.

“Continuing to give Graham Platner a bully pulpit is irresponsible, reckless, and antithetical to the direction we should be headed as Democrats. If we want to be a party that supports survivors, we cannot also be a party that continues to platform abusers. Full stop.

"We call on the Hancock County Activists to rescind his invitation to speak, and we call on Democrats everywhere to stand with survivors.”

At this point, the Democratic Party appears to have created the political equivalent of Frankenstein’s monster, only to discover that the monster keeps showing up at Labor Day rallies demanding a microphone.

Democrats wanted Platner gone.

Platner apparently had other plans. Perhaps his oyster farm isn't doing so well. 

And now the party that desperately wants voters to forget about him is being forced to explain why its own activists are putting him on stage.

There are political candidates who refuse to die.

Then there is Graham Platner, apparently rolling toward the next campaign event like der Fuhrer's Panzers in the Ardennes, leaving Democratic campaign strategists behind him frantically searching for the political equivalent of an anti-tank weapon.

He's a fool, but a dangerous fool. Maybe, however, he'll open the eyes of Democrats who finally realize how far their party has gone over the edge and they'll switch to the Grand Old Party.

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Why Graham Platner’s Top Adviser Has Democratic Operatives Practicing Deep Breathing Exercises

Maine Democrat Graham Platner is already running the sort of campaign that makes party strategists stare blankly into the middle distance while whispering, “Maybe we should have nominated literally anyone else.” Between allegations of emotional abuse, Nazi tattoos, racist Reddit posts, sexting scandals, and whatever fresh horror is scheduled to drop before lunch, the Platner campaign has become less of a Senate run and more of a live-action remake of a burning dumpster rolling downhill into a fireworks factory.

But now attention is shifting to Platner’s top aide, Morris Katz, who has reportedly inspired widespread panic among Democratic operatives after responding to the campaign crisis with the calm professionalism of a raccoon trapped inside a Chili’s kitchen.

Katz attempted to defend Platner by arguing that all these scandals prove the candidate is “authentic,” as in an authentic Nazi, which is a bold strategy considering most voters do not define authenticity as “possessing a complete archive of career-ending behavior.” 

Sources say the campaign briefly considered rebranding Platner as “a flawed but relatable human being,” before focus groups reportedly asked whether relatable humans normally have Nazi tattoos and leaked sexts floating around state politics circles.

When the sexting scandal exploded, Katz reportedly melted down and declared the exposure of Platner’s marriage problems was unfair and inappropriate, prompting veteran political consultants to gently explain that modern campaigns now treat human shame as a renewable energy source . . . except when it comes to Republicans.

Former Platner staffer Genevieve McDonald has become the campaign’s designated villain after allegedly leaking details of the sexting scandal. Her departure from the campaign came after Platner’s old Reddit posts surfaced, revealing racist and misogynistic remarks that apparently tested even Maine Democrats’ impressive tolerance for chaos, communism, anti-Semitism, and stupidity.

According to New York Magazine, Democratic strategists are now openly discussing whether images of Platner’s twigs and berries are destined to become the defining visual of the campaign season, a sentence that has likely caused several Maine voters to begin researching remote cabins in the Yukon.

“I am sure all of the other Democratic campaign consultants in New York are absolutely salivating at this,” said Mike Murphy, a top aide to both John McCain and Mitt Romney and a regular on the Sunday talk-show circuit. “You do a campaign in New York, which is the absolute nerve center of Democratic politics, and it works out, anything you do after is going to get a ton of attention and you get too much credit for what you do right and too much blame for what goes wrong.”

Translation: Katz briefly became the Democrats’ hot new wunderkind before discovering that fame in politics lasts approximately fourteen minutes and usually ends with leaked screenshots.

McDonald says Katz attempted to pressure her into retracting comments made to reporters after The Wall Street Journal contacted the campaign. According to her Facebook post, “After WSJ reached out to the Platner campaign for comment, Morris Katz demanded that I call the WSJ, retract my comments, tell them their reporting was inaccurate and send him a recording of the call.”

Political strategists reportedly reacted to this revelation the same way air traffic controllers react to hearing “What does this button do?” over the cockpit radio.

The Bangor Daily News reported Katz also warned McDonald that “If the story goes in its current iteration we’ll communicate directly on the record, and by name, that Genevieve violated the personal trust of Amy and Graham and shared explicit falsehoods to sabotage the campaign.”

Democratic consultants across New York allegedly cringed so hard upon reading the text that several suffered minor spinal injuries.

“First of all, you never put that kind of thing in a text message,” said one New York strategist. “And second of all, you never have a man do it.”

Added another strategist, “I think at some point you just have to realize that the person you are dealing with on the other side is not listening to reason and you have to cut bait and figure out how to respond.”

At this stage, many Democrats appear less concerned with winning the Senate seat than with preventing the Platner campaign from evolving into an eight-part Netflix documentary titled Too Online To Govern.

Katz and his fellow political wunderkinds reportedly still believe Platner remains an elite political talent after helping win a New York City mayoral race, which critics note is roughly equivalent to claiming strategic genius for successfully ordering coffee in Brooklyn while wearing a Che Guevara shirt.

And now, with rumors swirling that even more explicit material could emerge, party insiders are reportedly bracing for impact like passengers aboard a budget airline flight operated entirely by interns.

“Are we going to see pictures of Graham Platner’s penis before this is all over?” asked one strategist. “I think we almost certainly will.”

At press time, Democratic officials were reportedly attempting to replace the entire campaign with a moderately friendly houseplant and name it Joe.

Sex! Sexual! Sexy sex sex. Now that I have your attention, I want to say thank you for following Brain Flushings. Please take time to simply check out the sponsors on this page--it's one way to support my work and you don't need to purchase anything to do so. Of course, you can Buy Me A Coffee if you want to support me directly. And finally, don't be afraid to subscribe if you enjoy the blog--it's free, and worth the cost.

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Dems Continue Bold Strategy Of Nominating Every Guy Who Looks Like He Owns 3 Burner Phones

"Jah das ist mein Totenkopf"

MAINE, ME, Democratic Senate hopeful Graham Platner entered the weekend with what political analysts are calling “a truly inspiring amount of self-inflicted damage,” after another round of bizarre allegations piled onto a campaign already held together with duct tape and panic.

Platner, who is attempting to unseat Republican Sen. Susan Collins, has spent the past several weeks assuring voters that his Nazi tattoo was somehow misunderstood, his sexting scandal was overblown, his Kik account was totally normal, and the growing accusations of emotional abuse from multiple women are all just part of a vast right-wing conspiracy against extremely online progressive men.

“The Democrats sure know how to pick them,” sighed one exhausted voter while deleting his “Believe Survivors” yard sign for the third time this election cycle.

Things became even stranger after Platner appeared on MS Now with Chris Hayes in what critics described as “the journalistic equivalent of being tucked into bed with warm milk and a bedtime story.” During the interview, Platner denied wrongdoing while somehow also admitting that the incriminating texts from the sexting scandal would “probably” leak eventually.

Political observers were particularly fascinated by the fact that Platner suddenly discovered the ability to deny allegations on television after apparently forgetting to do so when The New York Times first contacted him before publication.

Former Bernie Sanders aide Symone Sanders noticed the discrepancy immediately, reportedly asking the forbidden question in Democratic media circles: “Wait, if none of this happened, why didn’t you say that before?”

Comrade Sanders

Sources inside the campaign say staffers briefly considered answering the question before remembering they work in politics.

Meanwhile, viewers noted that MS Now carefully avoided asking whether the women involved were of legal age, whether the exchanges were consensual, or literally anything that might cause discomfort to Democratic operatives watching at home.

“It’s important journalists ask tough questions,” said one network producer before courageously asking Platner how difficult this has all been for him personally.

Campaign insiders remain optimistic, however, insisting that no matter what additional scandals emerge, voters will ultimately focus on the issues that matter most, like stopping fascism by electing a man with a Nazi tattoo and several mystery messaging apps.

At publishing time, CNN had reportedly launched a follow-up investigation confirming that Somali fraudsters in Minnesota are actually “victims of harmful stereotypes” and probably deserve another federal grant.

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Fetterman says he'll wear suits if Platner agrees to his dare

Sen. John Fetterman (D-PA) reportedly stunned Washington this week by briefly transforming into the Democratic Party’s last functioning adult after publicly distancing himself from controversial Maine Senate candidate Graham Platner, a man whose campaign strategy appears to involve speed-running every possible scandal before Labor Day.

Fetterman, who has spent years being criticized for wearing gym shorts in the Senate, expressed confusion that Platner once took issue with his wardrobe choices while simultaneously maintaining what critics described as “the least Senate-confirmation-friendly internet footprint in modern American history.”

"This is a guy that had a problem with me, how I dress, but he seemed to have no problem posing in a towel at a disgusting website that consistently had serious problems about that kinds of depravity," Fetterman told Fox News host Sean Hannity. 

Pretty good point, eh?

Sources say Senate Democrats immediately panicked after realizing Fetterman had accidentally wandered into the dangerous territory known as “common sense.”

The Pennsylvania senator then escalated matters by daring Platner to release messages connected to a Kik account that has now become the political equivalent of opening a cursed tomb in an Indiana Jones movie.

"Let me make a deal. I'll tell P-Hustle, I'll wear a suit every day, if he releases all those texts and messages that he's had... [with] the dozen women," Fetterman continued.

Political analysts confirmed the challenge represented the first time in recorded history a senator has offered to permanently wear formal attire in exchange for another politician deleting his digital existence from public memory.

"You can prove [to] America... what's [in] these conversations. Can P-Hustle prove how old these people are?" Fetterman added, causing Democratic strategists to immediately begin stress-eating antacids in a Capitol Hill broom closet.

Platner’s campaign acknowledged the Kik account belonged to him, but insisted he had merely deleted the app without deactivating the account, a defense experts compared to saying, “I threw away the flamethrower but technically left the pilot light on.”

Fetterman also criticized Platner’s long list of controversies, which currently includes inflammatory Reddit posts, comments about Navy SEAL Chris Kyle, and a Nazi-linked Totenkopf tattoo that Platner says he got without understanding its historical meaning, reportedly after wandering into what aides described as “the world’s most suspicious tattoo parlor coincidence.”

"As a Democrat, I'm never going to carry water for a guy that calls an American hero a dumb MFer, or someone that smears Chris Kyle... and claimed that he's shooting innocent civilians. You've literally lost count..."

"It's countless. It absolutely is."

Meanwhile, Democratic leaders and their communist colleagues continued their enthusiastic support of Platner, largely because party officials fear admitting they made a mistake could set a dangerous precedent.

Sen. Comrade Bernie Sanders defended Platner during a recent interview, while Senate Minority Leader Chuck "Nostrils" Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth "Dances with Dolts" Warren maintained their endorsements, reportedly operating under the increasingly desperate strategy of “if we squint hard enough maybe voters won’t notice.”

Republican staffers gathered outside Democratic headquarters wearing towels to mock Platner’s reported profile photo, creating what observers called the first bipartisan agreement in years that perhaps nobody involved should be allowed near a messaging app ever again.

"He has [said] so many offensive things that it's hard to keep up with it," Fetterman said.

At press time, Democratic consultants were reportedly considering whether replacing Platner with a malfunctioning Roomba wrapped in a Maine state flag might improve their chances in November.

Perhaps a cow paddy shaped in the letter "D" would have a better chance.

Finally, nobody gets a Nazi tattoo without knowing what it is, unless they're really stupid.

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Chuck Schumer: "At least it isn't the really bad Nazi tattoo"

Oh golly, it's just a tattoo

WASHINGTON—In a display of rock-solid sleazy Democratic principles, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer announced Tuesday that he remains fully committed to scandal-plagued Maine Senate candidate Graham Platner, immediately quashing any naïve hopes that the party might pivot to someone who hasn't allegedly turned their campaign into a Tinder spin-off.

"I met with Graham Platner today," Schumer declared, repeating the sentence exactly five times like a malfunctioning animatronic at a very awkward Disney ride. "We're gonna beat Susan Collins and take back the Senate. Did I mention I met with him? Because I did. Five times. And that tattoo, what's it called again, oh yeah the Totenkopf, at least it isn't a swastika. They're evil. This tattoo is no big deal, and I say that as a proud Jew."

 
When reporters, exhibiting a shocking level of journalistic curiosity, pressed Schumer on whether the endorsement might budge in light of Platner's colorful extracurricular activities, the Senator simply stared into the middle distance and began humming the Democratic Party fight song.

Sources confirm he then mumbled something about "moving forward together" before power-walking toward the nearest exit.

Platner's campaign has been mired in what polite society calls "a teensy bit of controversy" for months. Recent reports revealed the candidate had been enthusiastically sexting at least six women while married, a hobby he apparently balanced alongside maintaining an active account on Kik, the anonymous messaging app beloved by America's youth and, apparently, married politicians with poor impulse control. 

Law enforcement has charmingly nicknamed the platform a "predator's paradise," which is exactly the brand vibe every Senate campaign dreams of.

Platner's wife, sweet Amy, got paid almost $30 thousand to go along with the program, and she did.

Since the sordid details emerged, Platner has displayed the political courage of a man who just remembered he left the oven on, ducking every interview request while campaign staff have taken to physically blocking reporters like overzealous bouncers at a particularly seedy club.

The Maine Democratic primary is set for next Tuesday, June 9, giving voters just enough time to decide whether they're comfortable nominating a guy whose campaign strategy seems heavily inspired by "delete your search history" rather than, say, policy positions.

Democrats remain confident that Maine voters will overlook the whole "sexting married guy on a predator app" situation because, at this point, what even is a scandal anymore? As one anonymous party strategist put it, "At least he wasn't on Truth Social."

Thank you for following Brain Flushings. Please take time to simply check out the sponsors on this page--it's one way to support my work and you don't need to purchase anything to do so. Of course, you can Buy Me A Coffee if you want to support me directly. And finally, don't be afraid to subscribe if you enjoy the blog--it's free, and worth the cost.

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