Fetterman says he'll wear suits if Platner agrees to his dare

Sen. John Fetterman (D-PA) reportedly stunned Washington this week by briefly transforming into the Democratic Party’s last functioning adult after publicly distancing himself from controversial Maine Senate candidate Graham Platner, a man whose campaign strategy appears to involve speed-running every possible scandal before Labor Day.

Fetterman, who has spent years being criticized for wearing gym shorts in the Senate, expressed confusion that Platner once took issue with his wardrobe choices while simultaneously maintaining what critics described as “the least Senate-confirmation-friendly internet footprint in modern American history.”

"This is a guy that had a problem with me, how I dress, but he seemed to have no problem posing in a towel at a disgusting website that consistently had serious problems about that kinds of depravity," Fetterman told Fox News host Sean Hannity. 

Pretty good point, eh?

Sources say Senate Democrats immediately panicked after realizing Fetterman had accidentally wandered into the dangerous territory known as “common sense.”

The Pennsylvania senator then escalated matters by daring Platner to release messages connected to a Kik account that has now become the political equivalent of opening a cursed tomb in an Indiana Jones movie.

"Let me make a deal. I'll tell P-Hustle, I'll wear a suit every day, if he releases all those texts and messages that he's had... [with] the dozen women," Fetterman continued.

Political analysts confirmed the challenge represented the first time in recorded history a senator has offered to permanently wear formal attire in exchange for another politician deleting his digital existence from public memory.

"You can prove [to] America... what's [in] these conversations. Can P-Hustle prove how old these people are?" Fetterman added, causing Democratic strategists to immediately begin stress-eating antacids in a Capitol Hill broom closet.

Platner’s campaign acknowledged the Kik account belonged to him, but insisted he had merely deleted the app without deactivating the account, a defense experts compared to saying, “I threw away the flamethrower but technically left the pilot light on.”

Fetterman also criticized Platner’s long list of controversies, which currently includes inflammatory Reddit posts, comments about Navy SEAL Chris Kyle, and a Nazi-linked Totenkopf tattoo that Platner says he got without understanding its historical meaning, reportedly after wandering into what aides described as “the world’s most suspicious tattoo parlor coincidence.”

"As a Democrat, I'm never going to carry water for a guy that calls an American hero a dumb MFer, or someone that smears Chris Kyle... and claimed that he's shooting innocent civilians. You've literally lost count..."

"It's countless. It absolutely is."

Meanwhile, Democratic leaders and their communist colleagues continued their enthusiastic support of Platner, largely because party officials fear admitting they made a mistake could set a dangerous precedent.

Sen. Comrade Bernie Sanders defended Platner during a recent interview, while Senate Minority Leader Chuck "Nostrils" Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth "Dances with Dolts" Warren maintained their endorsements, reportedly operating under the increasingly desperate strategy of “if we squint hard enough maybe voters won’t notice.”

Republican staffers gathered outside Democratic headquarters wearing towels to mock Platner’s reported profile photo, creating what observers called the first bipartisan agreement in years that perhaps nobody involved should be allowed near a messaging app ever again.

"He has [said] so many offensive things that it's hard to keep up with it," Fetterman said.

At press time, Democratic consultants were reportedly considering whether replacing Platner with a malfunctioning Roomba wrapped in a Maine state flag might improve their chances in November.

Perhaps a cow paddy shaped in the letter "D" would have a better chance.

Finally, nobody gets a Nazi tattoo without knowing what it is, unless they're really stupid.

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Purple Heart recipient mocked by Nazi tattoo wearer Graham Platner

“I don’t understand the hatred toward veterans who served honorably"
Ted Daniels, Purple Heart Hero

The heroic Army veteran at the center of this latest Democrat clown show in Maine is finally speaking out, and he’s got a simple message for the party apparatchiks still clinging to their Senate hopeful Graham Platner: you people owe his kids an explanation.

According to the New York Post, Purple Heart recipient Ted Daniels unloaded on the top Democrats who are still circling the wagons for Platner even after his charming Reddit burner account comments resurfaced—where he mocked Daniels and said the man “didn’t deserve to live” after a brutal firefight in Afghanistan.

The whole mess has gone nuclear now that online sleuths also dug up images of the Democrat sporting what sure looks like a Nazi-linked tattoo. Shocking, I know. Democrats backing a guy with that rap sheet? In this economy?

Daniels, whose helmet-cam footage from a 2012 Taliban ambush went massively viral years ago, told the Post he doesn’t even want an apology from Platner anymore because it wouldn’t feel genuine.

Instead, he said he wants liberal lawmakers like Elizabeth Warren, Chuck Schumer, Bernie Sanders, and Hakeem Jeffries to explain to his kids why they are backing a candidate who mocked the possibility of their father being killed in combat.

Daniels went viral years ago after helmet-cam footage showed him sprinting into open fire during a Taliban ambush while bullets ripped around him.

His team survived the onslaught, but not before Daniels, who drew the enemy fire away from his squad, was hit four times. He earned a Purple Heart for his actions.

Years later, Platner, now the presumptive Democratic Senate candidate in Maine, allegedly mocked Daniels on a burner Reddit account, calling him a “dumb motherf*cker” and saying he should not have survived.

Platner: an angry, vulgar, Nazi-loving, Democratic candidate

The New York Post reported that Platner has since deleted large portions of the account history.Daniels also criticized Platner over past comments targeting Chris Kyle and Vice President JD Vance over their military service.

“I don’t understand the hatred toward veterans who served honorably,” Daniels told the New York Post. “That part gets me.”

Platner has defended himself by pointing to his own military service, saying accusations that he disrespects veterans are “offensive” and “slanderous.” He just hates Jews, I guess. 

He has not apologized for the comments. Despite everything, Daniels said he is not attacking Platner’s military record and still considers him “a brother” because of his service.

But he also suggested it’s a lot easier to trash someone online than say those things face-to-face.

The controversy exploded even further after Dave Portnoy publicly torched Platner over the tattoo controversy while rejecting an apparent attempt by the campaign to get Barstool involved in an anti-private-equity Red Sox message push.

The "Totenkopf" tattoo (German for "death's head" or skull)

Portnoy blasted Platner in a private exchange. “Yeah I’d be happy to talk to him about that tattoo and him being a Nazi,” Portnoy wrote before later posting screenshots of the exchange online. Look, this is just another day in the Democrat fever swamp: a guy who allegedly trash-talked a wounded warrior from behind a keyboard, rocks questionable ink, and the party’s blue-check royalty still can’t find the spine to walk away. 

Shocker.

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Jessie Ventura aced by appeals court

Jessie "the Body" Ventura lost in federal appeals court Monday when his $1.8 million suit for damages was thrown out. He claims he was defamed by the American sniper hero and late author, Chris Kyle in the bestselling book "American Sniper."

I need to be very careful what I say about Ventura lest I be sued, and I cannot afford it.

The 8th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals sent a portion of the case, the cry baby's defamation claim, back to the district court for a new trial. They say that Ventura's lawyers made improper statements and the trial court "clearly abused its discretion in denying a new trial."

An attorney for Kyle's estate had no comment and referred all questions to Kyle's publisher, HarperCollins. They also said they have no comment at this time.

Chris Kyle was a Navy SEAL and regarded as the deadliest sniper in U.S. military history. In the book he wrote a subchapter called "Punching Out Scruff Face," and the scruff-faced Ventura wants to get paid for that obvious defaming of his scruffy face and inability to fight Kyle and win. 

The reason the fight started, Kyle had said, was that Ventura made offensive comments about the SEALs and also said that the SEALs "deserve to lose a few in Iraq."

Ventura was a former Underwater Demolition Teams/SEWAL and an ex-professional wrestler, which judging by the way he fought Kyle proves wrestling is phony. He testified at trial that he never made those statements and the fight never happened. He lamented that the book ruined his reputation in the tight-knit SEAL community.

Kyle had given sworn videotaped testimony, before he was murdered by a mentally ill fellow veteran, that the story was true and Ventura, seeing that his cash-cow was dead, went after Kyle's widow for the money.

Ventura was originally awarded $500,000 in 2014 and $11.3 million for unjust enrichment. But the low-life ex-Governor of Minnesota didn't realize that Taya Kyle, Chris' widow, was as tough as her dead husband and fought the verdict, asking that it be thrown out and a new trial to be ordered on First Amendment and other grounds. Of course, Ventura's lawyers argued that the verdict was correct--but they lost.

On Monday, a 3-judge appellate panel reversed the unjust-enrichment award, saying the theory of unjust-enrichment "enjoys no legal support under Minnesota law," and fails as a matter of law.

Two of the three judges also vacated the defamation award and sent that portion of the case back for a new trial.

Poor Jessie. 


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Mighty Michael Moore or Less

Michael Moore has become an irrelevant dinosaur, albeit a very large and perpetually ravenous one. In spite of the fact that "American Sniper," the story about Navy SEAL Chris Kyle, had the biggest opening weekend for a January movie, Moore could not keep his hatred for America and patriotism in check.

Already grossing over $100 million over the weekend and receiving six Oscar nominations, American Sniper has gotten under the fat man's adipose tissue.

He tweeted this out on Sunday: "My uncle killed by sniper in WW2. We were taught snipers were cowards. Will shoot u in the back. Snipers aren't heroes. And invaders r worse." 

You can tweet him if you like

Can you imagine Michael Moore up on that roof with his spotter, waiting for the opportunity to take his shot? I can. 

I can see fat old Michael Moore in enemy territory, knowing that if he's spotted, he's a dead man. I can imagine him peeing himself from fear and shaking too much to do what he needs to do in order to protect his guys. I believe psychologists would diagnose what Michael Moore did in his feeble tweet was something called a reaction formation. That is, he's the coward and the anxiety of being such a pussy causes him to attribute that quality to another person who cannot argue back with him because he's dead. Perfect scenario for a coward like Moore.

But Michael Moore doesn't have any guys to protect and he wouldn't be up to the task, I suspect. 

In fact, guys like Chris Kyle have protected the fat man and his right to say stupid anti-American things that seem to come out of his nether regions.

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