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Sen. John Fetterman (D-PA) reportedly stunned Washington this week by briefly transforming into the Democratic Party’s last functioning adult after publicly distancing himself from controversial Maine Senate candidate Graham Platner, a man whose campaign strategy appears to involve speed-running every possible scandal before Labor Day.
Fetterman, who has spent years being criticized for wearing gym shorts in the Senate, expressed confusion that Platner once took issue with his wardrobe choices while simultaneously maintaining what critics described as “the least Senate-confirmation-friendly internet footprint in modern American history.”
"This is a guy that had a problem with me, how I dress, but he seemed to have no problem posing in a towel at a disgusting website that consistently had serious problems about that kinds of depravity," Fetterman told Fox News host Sean Hannity.
Pretty good point, eh?
Sources say Senate Democrats immediately panicked after realizing Fetterman had accidentally wandered into the dangerous territory known as “common sense.”
The Pennsylvania senator then escalated matters by daring Platner to release messages connected to a Kik account that has now become the political equivalent of opening a cursed tomb in an Indiana Jones movie.
"Let me make a deal. I'll tell P-Hustle, I'll wear a suit every day, if he releases all those texts and messages that he's had... [with] the dozen women," Fetterman continued.
Political analysts confirmed the challenge represented the first time in recorded history a senator has offered to permanently wear formal attire in exchange for another politician deleting his digital existence from public memory.
"You can prove [to] America... what's [in] these conversations. Can P-Hustle prove how old these people are?" Fetterman added, causing Democratic strategists to immediately begin stress-eating antacids in a Capitol Hill broom closet.
Platner’s campaign acknowledged the Kik account belonged to him, but insisted he had merely deleted the app without deactivating the account, a defense experts compared to saying, “I threw away the flamethrower but technically left the pilot light on.”
Fetterman also criticized Platner’s long list of controversies, which currently includes inflammatory Reddit posts, comments about Navy SEAL Chris Kyle, and a Nazi-linked Totenkopf tattoo that Platner says he got without understanding its historical meaning, reportedly after wandering into what aides described as “the world’s most suspicious tattoo parlor coincidence.”
"As a Democrat, I'm never going to carry water for a guy that calls an American hero a dumb MFer, or someone that smears Chris Kyle... and claimed that he's shooting innocent civilians. You've literally lost count..."
"It's countless. It absolutely is."
Meanwhile, Democratic leaders and their communist colleagues continued their enthusiastic support of Platner, largely because party officials fear admitting they made a mistake could set a dangerous precedent.
Sen. Comrade Bernie Sanders defended Platner during a recent interview, while Senate Minority Leader Chuck "Nostrils" Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth "Dances with Dolts" Warren maintained their endorsements, reportedly operating under the increasingly desperate strategy of “if we squint hard enough maybe voters won’t notice.”
Republican staffers gathered outside Democratic headquarters wearing towels to mock Platner’s reported profile photo, creating what observers called the first bipartisan agreement in years that perhaps nobody involved should be allowed near a messaging app ever again.
Sources say Senate Democrats immediately panicked after realizing Fetterman had accidentally wandered into the dangerous territory known as “common sense.”
The Pennsylvania senator then escalated matters by daring Platner to release messages connected to a Kik account that has now become the political equivalent of opening a cursed tomb in an Indiana Jones movie.
"Let me make a deal. I'll tell P-Hustle, I'll wear a suit every day, if he releases all those texts and messages that he's had... [with] the dozen women," Fetterman continued.
Political analysts confirmed the challenge represented the first time in recorded history a senator has offered to permanently wear formal attire in exchange for another politician deleting his digital existence from public memory.
"You can prove [to] America... what's [in] these conversations. Can P-Hustle prove how old these people are?" Fetterman added, causing Democratic strategists to immediately begin stress-eating antacids in a Capitol Hill broom closet.
Platner’s campaign acknowledged the Kik account belonged to him, but insisted he had merely deleted the app without deactivating the account, a defense experts compared to saying, “I threw away the flamethrower but technically left the pilot light on.”
Fetterman also criticized Platner’s long list of controversies, which currently includes inflammatory Reddit posts, comments about Navy SEAL Chris Kyle, and a Nazi-linked Totenkopf tattoo that Platner says he got without understanding its historical meaning, reportedly after wandering into what aides described as “the world’s most suspicious tattoo parlor coincidence.”
"As a Democrat, I'm never going to carry water for a guy that calls an American hero a dumb MFer, or someone that smears Chris Kyle... and claimed that he's shooting innocent civilians. You've literally lost count..."
"It's countless. It absolutely is."
Meanwhile, Democratic leaders and their communist colleagues continued their enthusiastic support of Platner, largely because party officials fear admitting they made a mistake could set a dangerous precedent.
Sen. Comrade Bernie Sanders defended Platner during a recent interview, while Senate Minority Leader Chuck "Nostrils" Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth "Dances with Dolts" Warren maintained their endorsements, reportedly operating under the increasingly desperate strategy of “if we squint hard enough maybe voters won’t notice.”
Republican staffers gathered outside Democratic headquarters wearing towels to mock Platner’s reported profile photo, creating what observers called the first bipartisan agreement in years that perhaps nobody involved should be allowed near a messaging app ever again.
"He has [said] so many offensive things that it's hard to keep up with it," Fetterman said.
At press time, Democratic consultants were reportedly considering whether replacing Platner with a malfunctioning Roomba wrapped in a Maine state flag might improve their chances in November.
Perhaps a cow paddy shaped in the letter "D" would have a better chance.
Finally, nobody gets a Nazi tattoo without knowing what it is, unless they're really stupid.
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