Dems Continue Bold Strategy Of Nominating Every Guy Who Looks Like He Owns 3 Burner Phones

"Jah das ist mein Totenkopf"

MAINE, ME, Democratic Senate hopeful Graham Platner entered the weekend with what political analysts are calling “a truly inspiring amount of self-inflicted damage,” after another round of bizarre allegations piled onto a campaign already held together with duct tape and panic.

Platner, who is attempting to unseat Republican Sen. Susan Collins, has spent the past several weeks assuring voters that his Nazi tattoo was somehow misunderstood, his sexting scandal was overblown, his Kik account was totally normal, and the growing accusations of emotional abuse from multiple women are all just part of a vast right-wing conspiracy against extremely online progressive men.

“The Democrats sure know how to pick them,” sighed one exhausted voter while deleting his “Believe Survivors” yard sign for the third time this election cycle.

Things became even stranger after Platner appeared on MS Now with Chris Hayes in what critics described as “the journalistic equivalent of being tucked into bed with warm milk and a bedtime story.” During the interview, Platner denied wrongdoing while somehow also admitting that the incriminating texts from the sexting scandal would “probably” leak eventually.

Political observers were particularly fascinated by the fact that Platner suddenly discovered the ability to deny allegations on television after apparently forgetting to do so when The New York Times first contacted him before publication.

Former Bernie Sanders aide Symone Sanders noticed the discrepancy immediately, reportedly asking the forbidden question in Democratic media circles: “Wait, if none of this happened, why didn’t you say that before?”

Comrade Sanders

Sources inside the campaign say staffers briefly considered answering the question before remembering they work in politics.

Meanwhile, viewers noted that MS Now carefully avoided asking whether the women involved were of legal age, whether the exchanges were consensual, or literally anything that might cause discomfort to Democratic operatives watching at home.

“It’s important journalists ask tough questions,” said one network producer before courageously asking Platner how difficult this has all been for him personally.

Campaign insiders remain optimistic, however, insisting that no matter what additional scandals emerge, voters will ultimately focus on the issues that matter most, like stopping fascism by electing a man with a Nazi tattoo and several mystery messaging apps.

At publishing time, CNN had reportedly launched a follow-up investigation confirming that Somali fraudsters in Minnesota are actually “victims of harmful stereotypes” and probably deserve another federal grant.

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