Dems Continue Bold Strategy Of Nominating Every Guy Who Looks Like He Owns 3 Burner Phones

"Jah das ist mein Totenkopf"

MAINE, ME, Democratic Senate hopeful Graham Platner entered the weekend with what political analysts are calling “a truly inspiring amount of self-inflicted damage,” after another round of bizarre allegations piled onto a campaign already held together with duct tape and panic.

Platner, who is attempting to unseat Republican Sen. Susan Collins, has spent the past several weeks assuring voters that his Nazi tattoo was somehow misunderstood, his sexting scandal was overblown, his Kik account was totally normal, and the growing accusations of emotional abuse from multiple women are all just part of a vast right-wing conspiracy against extremely online progressive men.

“The Democrats sure know how to pick them,” sighed one exhausted voter while deleting his “Believe Survivors” yard sign for the third time this election cycle.

Things became even stranger after Platner appeared on MS Now with Chris Hayes in what critics described as “the journalistic equivalent of being tucked into bed with warm milk and a bedtime story.” During the interview, Platner denied wrongdoing while somehow also admitting that the incriminating texts from the sexting scandal would “probably” leak eventually.

Political observers were particularly fascinated by the fact that Platner suddenly discovered the ability to deny allegations on television after apparently forgetting to do so when The New York Times first contacted him before publication.

Former Bernie Sanders aide Symone Sanders noticed the discrepancy immediately, reportedly asking the forbidden question in Democratic media circles: “Wait, if none of this happened, why didn’t you say that before?”

Comrade Sanders

Sources inside the campaign say staffers briefly considered answering the question before remembering they work in politics.

Meanwhile, viewers noted that MS Now carefully avoided asking whether the women involved were of legal age, whether the exchanges were consensual, or literally anything that might cause discomfort to Democratic operatives watching at home.

“It’s important journalists ask tough questions,” said one network producer before courageously asking Platner how difficult this has all been for him personally.

Campaign insiders remain optimistic, however, insisting that no matter what additional scandals emerge, voters will ultimately focus on the issues that matter most, like stopping fascism by electing a man with a Nazi tattoo and several mystery messaging apps.

At publishing time, CNN had reportedly launched a follow-up investigation confirming that Somali fraudsters in Minnesota are actually “victims of harmful stereotypes” and probably deserve another federal grant.

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Democrats Hail Maine Senate Candidate As “Perfectly Mainstream” After Discovery Of Nazi Tattoo

AUGUSTA, ME — Maine Democrats have rallied behind Senate candidate Graham Platner after a series of troubling revelations confirmed he possesses the exact level of moral confusion required for modern political office.

Platner, an oyster farmer and Democrat now favored to replace retiring Gov. Janet Mills as the party’s Senate nominee, has surged ahead of incumbent Sen. Susan Collins despite what political analysts described as “a truly inspiring collection of internet-era red flags.”

Among the resurfaced controversies are old Reddit posts in which Platner appeared to blame rape victims for failing to “take responsibility” for their own vulnerability, telling users, “How about people just take some responsibility for themselves and not get so f**ked up they wind up having sex with someone they don’t mean to?”

Campaign staff later clarified that the remarks were merely part of Platner’s broader platform of “empowering women through regret prevention.” Yeah, sure.

But Democrats reportedly became even more excited after voters learned Platner spent nearly twenty years proudly displaying a Nazi SS Totenkopf tattoo across his chest.

“Look, he said he got the tattoo while drunk in Croatia and had absolutely no idea it was connected to the Nazis,” said one campaign spokesperson. “And honestly, who among us hasn’t accidentally commemorated one of history’s most infamous genocidal regimes during a beach vacation?”

Sources confirmed Platner only covered the tattoo after it became a campaign issue, and cowardice, which aides insist demonstrates “personal growth” and “a strong commitment to polling data.”

The campaign faced additional scrutiny after archived Reddit posts revealed Platner enthusiastically praised a Hamas raid that killed Israeli soldiers in 2014.

“From a strictly professional standpoint, this was a damn fine looking and successful raid against a superior opponent, I dig it,” Platner reportedly wrote while reviewing graphic combat footage online like a man auditioning for the world’s worst TED Talk.

Democratic strategists quickly moved to reassure voters that admiring Hamas operations, sporting Nazi imagery, and blaming sexual assault victims were all “complex, nuanced positions” requiring deeper understanding.

“Frankly, we’re proud to support a candidate willing to challenge outdated taboos like condemning terrorists or recognizing obvious fascist iconography,” said one party official. “This is what courage looks like.”

Meanwhile, party leaders stressed that the real scandal was not Platner’s comments, tattoo, or apparent admiration for Hamas tactics, but rather that Republicans continued to “politicize” them.

If you would like to know more about this disgusting piece of human excrement, click here.

At press time, Platner had reportedly announced plans to heal divisions by unveiling a new campaign slogan: “Believe Women Unless Reddit Gets Archived.”

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Our Navy hoping to 'Trump' Russia and China

President-elect Donald Trump is demanding more naval vessels and the Navy is proposing a yoooge shipbuilding boom since the end of the Cold War to meet the growing threats from China and Russia.

The Navy's 355-ship proposal is actually larger than what Trump pushed for on the campaign trail and it will boost shipyards that have been in dire straits due to budget caps.

The Navy's Force Structure Assessment has been revised and is slated to add an additional 47 ships including an aircraft carrier which would be built in Virginia, 16 large surface warships built in Mississippi and Maine, and 18 attack submarines built in Connecticut, Rhode Island and Virginia. The proposal also calls for more amphibious assault ships, expeditionary transfer docks and support vessels.

"Russia and China are going to continue to build up their navies," Matthew Paxton, president of the Shipbuilders Council of America said. "The complexities aren't going to get any easier. The Navy, more than any of the services, is our forward presence. We're going to need this Navy."

One of the concerns over the increase in shipbuilding is the cost, of course. We must find a way to build more ships "in a fiscally responsible way that does not pass the bill along to our children," Sen. Angus King (Me.-I) a member of the Armed Services Committee.

As it stands, the Navy has 274 battle force ships, short of the 308 goal. 

Although the cost may seem prohibitive, investors are optimistic about the Navy's goal. "To the generic military shipbuilder, it's a bull market right now," Ronald Epstein, an analyst at Bank of America's Merrill Lynch division said.

Maybe they can float the Navy a loan.


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