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| Oh golly, it's just a tattoo |
WASHINGTON—In a display of rock-solid sleazy Democratic principles, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer announced Tuesday that he remains fully committed to scandal-plagued Maine Senate candidate Graham Platner, immediately quashing any naïve hopes that the party might pivot to someone who hasn't allegedly turned their campaign into a Tinder spin-off.
"I met with Graham Platner today," Schumer declared, repeating the sentence exactly five times like a malfunctioning animatronic at a very awkward Disney ride. "We're gonna beat Susan Collins and take back the Senate. Did I mention I met with him? Because I did. Five times. And that tattoo, what's it called again, oh yeah the Totenkopf, at least it isn't a swastika. They're evil. This tattoo is no big deal, and I say that as a proud Jew."
When reporters, exhibiting a shocking level of journalistic curiosity, pressed Schumer on whether the endorsement might budge in light of Platner's colorful extracurricular activities, the Senator simply stared into the middle distance and began humming the Democratic Party fight song.
Sources confirm he then mumbled something about "moving forward together" before power-walking toward the nearest exit.
Platner's campaign has been mired in what polite society calls "a teensy bit of controversy" for months. Recent reports revealed the candidate had been enthusiastically sexting at least six women while married, a hobby he apparently balanced alongside maintaining an active account on Kik, the anonymous messaging app beloved by America's youth and, apparently, married politicians with poor impulse control.
Platner's campaign has been mired in what polite society calls "a teensy bit of controversy" for months. Recent reports revealed the candidate had been enthusiastically sexting at least six women while married, a hobby he apparently balanced alongside maintaining an active account on Kik, the anonymous messaging app beloved by America's youth and, apparently, married politicians with poor impulse control.
Law enforcement has charmingly nicknamed the platform a "predator's paradise," which is exactly the brand vibe every Senate campaign dreams of.
Platner's wife, sweet Amy, got paid almost $30 thousand to go along with the program, and she did.
Since the sordid details emerged, Platner has displayed the political courage of a man who just remembered he left the oven on, ducking every interview request while campaign staff have taken to physically blocking reporters like overzealous bouncers at a particularly seedy club.
The Maine Democratic primary is set for next Tuesday, June 9, giving voters just enough time to decide whether they're comfortable nominating a guy whose campaign strategy seems heavily inspired by "delete your search history" rather than, say, policy positions.
Democrats remain confident that Maine voters will overlook the whole "sexting married guy on a predator app" situation because, at this point, what even is a scandal anymore? As one anonymous party strategist put it, "At least he wasn't on Truth Social."
Since the sordid details emerged, Platner has displayed the political courage of a man who just remembered he left the oven on, ducking every interview request while campaign staff have taken to physically blocking reporters like overzealous bouncers at a particularly seedy club.
The Maine Democratic primary is set for next Tuesday, June 9, giving voters just enough time to decide whether they're comfortable nominating a guy whose campaign strategy seems heavily inspired by "delete your search history" rather than, say, policy positions.
Democrats remain confident that Maine voters will overlook the whole "sexting married guy on a predator app" situation because, at this point, what even is a scandal anymore? As one anonymous party strategist put it, "At least he wasn't on Truth Social."
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