Convicted felon judge, Hannah Dugan, gets to keep her law license because she's evidently special

MILWAUKEE, WI — In a stunning victory for the bold, brave principle that laws are merely vague suggestions for people with fancy robes, local legal hero and convicted felon Hannah Dugan will officially be allowed to keep her law license.

For years, legal scholars have insisted that "no one is above the law." Fortunately, Wisconsin’s highest court is here to clarify that this rule only applies to common plebeians who commit felonies, not distinguished judicial officers who simply indulge in a little light courthouse felonious smuggling.

For those who don't remember, last year, Dugan was arrested after she helped an illegal alien criminal, Eduardo Flores-Ruiz, who was in her courtroom on domestic violence charges, flee from ICE agents in the Milwaukee County Courthouse. 

Dugan went to trial, and she was found guilty of felony obstruction. Fortunately for her, it was no big deal.

Sources confirm that guiding a domestic violence suspect out a secret back door to dodge federal law enforcement is a sacred, time-honored judicial duty, right up there with banging a wooden mallet and wearing black polyester.

Before and during her trial, Dugan and her attorneys argued her acts were protected by judicial immunity. After her conviction, Dugan's legal team tried to get the verdict thrown out and pushed for another trial or the dismissal of the guilty verdict.

In a move that truly showcases the absolute ferocity of the American justice system, Dugan was dealt a crushing blow on July 8 when she was fined just $5,000 which is a pittance for her crime. 

She was given no prison time and no probation for a felony that carried a maximum of five years in prison and fines up to $250,000. Legal experts speculate the court showed such immense mercy because $5,000 is almost two whole weeks of a taxpayer-funded judicial salary, leaving her barely enough money to purchase a second summer home.

But it gets even worse. Now the Wisconsin Supreme Court has refused to suspend Dugan's law license, for now, and Dugan will get her full pension. The state Supreme Court is waiting for longer disciplinary proceedings before moving ahead.

Wisconsin’s Supreme Court is not suspending the law license of a former Milwaukee County judge who was convicted of a felony — at least for now.

The high court’s decision does not mean that justices won’t revoke Hannah Dugan’s law license at some point in the future. Rather, justices declined to suspend her license on a expedited basis while more lengthy disciplinary proceedings are still pending.

Court officials laughingly assured the public that they take felony convictions very seriously, which is why they plan to ponder the situation for the next three to five business decades before taking any action that might inconvenience a fellow lawyer.

In December 2025, a federal jury found Dugan guilty of impeding a federal proceeding. That’s after Dugan led a man through a side door of her courtroom, after immigration agents had arrived at the Milwaukee County Courthouse to arrest the man for being in the country illegally.

Dugan is appealing her conviction.

At press time, the Wisconsin Bar Association was reportedly preparing to honor Dugan with a Lifetime Achievement Award in the field of Creative Escape Planning.

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Trump Breaks Protocol To Show Xi Who’s Boss — With The Help Of B-1 Bombers

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a masterclass of high-stakes diplomatic hospitality, President Donald Trump greeted Chinese President Xi Jinping on Wednesday by personally rolling out the red carpet and immediately subjecting him to the deafening roar of two strategic B-1 bombers.

Xi and his lovely communist wife, Peng Liyuan, touched down at Joint Base Andrews shortly before 6 p.m. Waiting at the end of a massive 100-foot red carpet were Trump and First Lady Melania Trump, marking a complete departure from normal presidential protocol, which typically involves making foreign leaders travel to the White House like normal tourists.

The welcoming committee featured a 21-person honor cordon, color guards, a military band, and the national anthems of both nations. However, the serene atmosphere was promptly shattered when two nuclear-capable B-1 bombers roared directly overhead just as the American anthem hit its stride.

As Trump stood saluting, the noise level reached a point that caused the Commander-in-Chief to visibly wince and briefly duck his head. Trump then turned to Xi with a grin, appearing to remark on the bone-rattling sound of air superiority.

Xi, trained in the art of communist stoicism, did not visibly react, choosing instead to maintain a complete poker face as multi-million-dollar war machines rattled his eardrums. [Rumor has it he may have needed a change of skivvies.]

Observers noted the extreme contrast between classic diplomatic pageantry and subtle military posturing as the world’s two largest economic powers kicked off their three-day summit. Trump's airport greeting was a stark departure from standard procedure, especially after Trump received a much more subdued welcome from Chinese Vice President Han Zheng upon landing in Beijing back in May.

Melania Trump defended the grand gesture Wednesday morning, explaining that Xi was “coming on our soil” and that the United States should “welcome them with the most respect.”

Sources confirm the lavish greeting comes amidst ongoing tension over trade, tariffs, rare-earth minerals, artificial intelligence, and Taiwan. The two leaders are hoping to protect a fragile trade truce set to expire in November, assuming both nations' hearing recovers from the airport ceremony.

The visit marks Xi's first state visit to the nation's capital in over a decade. The White House plans to follow up the airport flyover with another elaborate ceremony on the South Lawn, formal talks, and a state dinner filled with tech executives eager to explain why they need China to keep manufacturing their hardware.

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Javier Milei shreds ‘useless’ UN to its face in fiery speech to 'fatally arrogant parasites'

NEW YORK — World leaders gathered at the United Nations General Assembly were left in utter shock Wednesday after Argentine President Javier Milei used his scheduled speaking time to state simple facts instead of reading a bland, pre-approved statement off an index card about global cooperation.

The chainsaw-wielding, free-market libertarian took the podium in New York to address the body, where he boldly dropped a truth bomb and referred to as "useless" and populated by "fatally arrogant parasites."

"That’s to say, it has become a useless organization whose only purpose is to sustain a caste of fatally arrogant parasites masquerading as well-intentioned bureaucrats," Milei charged, causing several career diplomats to drop their organic iced lattes in horror.

Milei commended the U.N.’s founding mission of resolving conflict peacefully as "noble words," but noted that "today, regrettably, it is time to acknowledge that, in practice, that sacred covenant has been broken."

To support his claim, Milei cited the U.N.’s enthusiasm for global pandemic lockdowns, radical climate policies, and aggressive social engineering.

"During the pandemic, bodies under the auspices of this house put themselves before scientific evidence and the sovereignty of nations and promoted forced lockdown policies throughout the world," Milei stated. "Where some allege a public health policy error, we see a global experiment in social control disguised as science. And when a state wearing public health blinkers deprives its population of the right to work, to receive an education and to bid farewell to their dead, this results in millions of avoidable deaths; there is a word for it, genocide."

"Every time [the U.N.] failed, rather than reviewing the model or apologizing, they doubled down," he added, accurately summarizing the operating procedure of every government agency since the dawn of time.

Milei continued his ruthless audit of the international body, pointing out the awkward contradiction of an entity claiming to protect human rights while elevating human rights violators.

"Those who were supposed to guarantee collective security and human rights failed in their task. They allowed chaos, violence and international terrorism to flourish," he said. "The alleged defenders of human rights have sheltered bloodthirsty dictatorships and regimes that stone women in the streets; they have systematically voted against Israel while remaining silent in the face of Islamic terrorism and the genocide of Christians in Africa."

The Argentine leader also noted that the U.N. looked the other way regarding the Malvinas [Falkland] Islands, calling the territory "a test of the gulf that exists between the words of international institutions and the reality upon which they purport to act."

"There's no shortage of words or resolutions; what is lacking is consequences," he asserted. "Because an institution that cannot ensure that its words carry weight in the real world loses the most important thing of all, its authority."

According to Milei, the U.N. has "built a bureaucratic leviathan devoted to deciding how the peoples of the world and their citizens should live," creating "a curious mixture of anarchy and tyranny, impotence in the face of those who break the most basic rules, such as bloodthirsty dictatorships and terrorist organizations coupled with Orwellian control and impositions on liberal democracies that abide by the rules."

Closing out his remarks, Milei offered a brief economic lesson to the assembly of professional spenders.

"I would remind them of what Mises said, ‘Good people do not think about controlling the lives of their fellow human beings.’"

At press time, U.N. officials were reportedly forming a special committee to investigate whether allowing world leaders to speak the truth violates international law.

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Mother gets a mere 13 years for putting her baby in the over, burning her to death

In a triumph of criminal justice efficiency, the legal system has determined that the going rate for placing a month-old infant into a preheated appliance is precisely thirteen years in a state facility. Yes, merely 13 years!

Mariah Thomas, a 28-year-old resident of Jackson County, Missouri, entered a guilty plea to first-degree endangering the welfare of a child resulting in death. This modest resolution comes after prosecutors graciously dropped the original first-degree murder charge to seal a plea agreement just two weeks before a pesky jury trial might have complicated matters. Why they thought that it was reasonable to drop the charge of first degree murder is beyond my comprehension.

Presiding Judge Sarah A. Castle handed down the 13-year sentence with no possibility of probation, though credit was generously extended for time already served. To ensure complete restitution to society, the court also assessed a stern financial penalty: a $68 fee directed to Missouri’s Crime Victims’ Compensation Fund.

Official court records explicitly note that Ms. Thomas suffered from no mental disease or defect defense, leaving observers to ponder the sheer logistical feat involved in the sequence of events. 

According to initial reports from February 2024, Kansas City first responders arrived at the scene to find the infant suffering from extensive, lethal burns, with her clothing fused directly to her diaper. 

The defense’s core narrative rested on a rather unique spatial mix-up. As investigators were informed, Thomas had simply intended to put her daughter down for a nap, but "accidentally placed her in the oven instead of the crib."

A relative reiterated this startling explanation to detectives, recounting that Thomas claimed, "I thought I put [her] in her crib and I accidentally put her in the oven."

Yeah, that happens a lot.

At the time of the initial filing, then-Jackson County Prosecutor Jean Peters Baker offered standard bureaucratic solemnity, remarking, "We acknowledge the gruesome nature of this tragedy, and our hearts are weighted by the loss of this precious life." Baker added, "We trust the criminal justice system to respond appropriately to these awful circumstances."

Whether a decade plus in prison constitutes an appropriate response remains a lively topic online. 

Coming on the heels of other high-profile domestic infanticide trials where accountability seemed to evaporate, digital onlookers have expressed profound confusion over how an act of such extraordinary lethality yields a prison stay shorter than the time it takes for a child to reach high school graduation. 

Nevertheless, Thomas now awaits transfer to state custody, having successfully demonstrated how a top-tier plea bargain can trim a lifetime murder charge down to a minor bump in the road.

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Son of Ambassador Yechiel Leiter seriously wounded in Maccabim terror attack

In a totally shocking turn of events that baffled top Middle East experts, peace in the region was briefly delayed on Wednesday when a man drove his car into a police vehicle at the Maccabim checkpoint instead of accepting a multi-million-dollar foreign aid check and launching a tech startup.

The driver, local peaceful activist Muhammad Mahmoud Suleiman, 29, was attempting to express his complex political views through the medium of vehicular assault. Israeli soldiers on the scene, who clearly failed their sensitivity training, immediately shot and killed him before he could explain the nuanced socio-economic factors behind his steering choices.

Among those injured in the sudden encounter with moderate dialogue was American citizen Neria Leiter, a reservist soldier who committed the grave microaggression of being the son of Israeli Ambassador to the United States Yechiel Leiter.

"I am grateful to the IDF, to the medical team at Shaare Zedek who are now fighting to save the life of Neria Dov ben Chana, and for the prayers of the people of Israel," Ambassador Leiter posted on X, demonstrating a complete lack of faith in upcoming UN resolutions. "I believe in the power of prayer, and I believe that when the people of Israel unite, miracles happen. Neria needs a miracle."

"Neria continued to serve in the reserves after losing his older brother, Moshe Yedidya Leiter, of blessed memory. Since October 7, he has served hundreds of days in the reserves on multiple fronts," Leiter added. "Palestinian terrorism seeks to uproot the people of Israel from their land. They choose death – we choose life."

World leaders quickly rushed to issue statements, though many expressed deep concern that the incident might disrupt several upcoming panels on regional co-existence.

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu took to social media to state that he and his wife, Sara, "together with all the people of Israel, are praying for a miracle," adding, "Yechiel, my dear, we are all with you."

US Ambassador to Israel Mike Huckabee also weighed in on X. "Pray for Yechiel Leiter & entire family. They lost a son in Gaza, killed by Hamas. Now a Palestinian terrorist attempts to murder IDF soldiers at a checkpoint. Standing w/ Yechiel Leiter," Huckabee wrote, narrowly avoiding a reprimand from diplomats for using the word "terrorist" instead of "disgruntled motorist."

"Yechiel, my dear friend, my heart is with you, Chana, and your entire family," Israel's Ambassador to the UN, Danny Danon, posted online. "All of Israel is praying for your son, Neria Dov ben Chana, who was critically wounded in today’s heinous terrorist attack. May God heal him and give your family strength."

Defense Minister Israel Katz offered his own thoughts, commending the security forces while accidentally implying that ramming people with cars is a bad tactic. "Yechiel, I stand with you and your family, and I pray alongside the entire nation of Israel for your son’s recovery," Katz said. "I commend the heroic fighters who eliminated the terrorist. To the soldiers of the IDF and the security forces: I believe in you and trust you; we will not allow terror to rear its head."

Foreign Minister Gideon Sa'ar added, "Yechiel, you are a warrior, and your sons are warriors. My heart and prayers are with you."

Meanwhile, local emergency responders arrived to ruin the terrorist's political statement by saving the victim's life. "United Hatzalah’s dispatch center sent us to the scene of a vehicular ramming attack near Bell checkpoint," paramedics Itzik Kara and Netanel Cohen reported. "Assisted by IDF medical teams, we provided initial medical treatment at the scene, including respiratory support, the administration of life-saving medication, bandaging, and splinting, to a man who was subsequently transported to the hospital in serious condition."

Samaria Regional Council head Yossi Dagan also chimed in, demanding an end to the ongoing cultural exchange programs. "We join all the residents of Samaria in praying for the victim’s recovery and offer our support to his family during this difficult time," Dagan said. "The Council will assist the victim’s family, and together with the community, we will embrace and support them in every way possible. The entire nation of Israel is united in prayer for his recovery. We must respond to murderous terrorism with a firm hand and restore deterrence. We send our support to the security forces on the front lines who are protecting the citizens of Israel."

At press time, the United Nations was preparing an emergency session to condemn the checkpoint for being in the way of the car.

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Iran President Upset That Israel Has Nukes and They Don't

NEW YORK — Iranian President Masoud Pezeshkian took the stage at the United Nations General Assembly on Wednesday to express his deep, heartfelt sorrow that international atomic inspectors keep interrupting his country's totally peaceful, super-friendly uranium enrichment activities instead of harassing Israel.

Surrounded by suits, globalists, and the finest diplomatic catering taxpayers can buy, Pezeshkian complained to an audience of nodding bureaucrats that it is completely unfair for inspector clipboard-wielders to scrutinize Tehran. After all, they only need nuclear capabilities to keep their humble houses warm.

"The topic of this gathering is mutual trust. That cannot be achieved with words alone, but by abandoning double standards. Atomic and nuclear weapons are in the hands of the 'Israeli regime,' but the [IAEA] inspectors are requested to come to Iran," Pezeshkian whimpered, longing for a world where peaceful religious leaders can enrich weapons-grade material in absolute peace without pesky scrutiny. 

"Israel has the bombs, has the weapons of mass destruction. Not a member of the Non-Proliferation Treaty (NPT). During their shameful lives, they have not allowed a single inspection, but they are rewarded with all the means necessary to bomb any capital of the region at will," Pezeshkian added, visibly upset that the wrong Middle Eastern nation has global firepower.

He reassured the crowd that Iran's centrifuges are strictly for domestic enjoyment and green energy initiatives. 

"Our regional issues must be resolved in the region; no relationship with a foreign power can become the tool of threatening countries in the region," he explained. "For our country, peaceful nuclear technology is part of our progress..."Iran does not accept nuclear technology to be at the disposal of a handful...We will not bow our head, and we say it clearly. No nuclear weapons, and no limitations to our peaceful nuclear development."

The Iranian leader then expressed shock that anyone could possibly brand his regime as the bad guys. "Israel has murdered savagely over 70,000 civilians in Gaza, while Iran, behind the table of negotiation, was being bombed," he said. "Palestine remains an open wound on the conscience of the international community, and Gaza remains a visible symbol of the failure of international mechanisms to prevent civilian suffering...For decades, resolutions have been adopted, and occupation has continued. Lasting peace in West Asia is impossible without justice for Palestine. As long as occupation, aggression, and injustice persist in the world, resistance will continue. If it's weakened in one form, it will reemerge in others."

He praised the ongoing resilience of regional proxy groups. "Gaza, despite relentless killing and widespread destruction, has strengthened the people's will of resistance. This is human nature."

Turning his attention to the American delegation, Pezeshkian whined about President Donald Trump’s scathing Tuesday speech. 

"I had prepared a speech to present to you yesterday, when the US president described us as terrorists. We have been victims of terrorism. I come from an Iran where our supreme leader was assassinated without any legal reasons, where they bombed a school. The children perished under bombs with weapons used by Israel and the US; they had committed no crimes," Pezeshkian grumbled.

"The words of the US president yesterday show that those who are experts in international law, dialogue, diplomacy, and basic human standards know that everything uttered against our country goes against the charter of the UN... Trump must understand that Iran is ready for the way of dialogue and negotiation, without accepting the language of war," the weasel said, holding out a olive branch wrapped in ballistic missile blueprints.

"Those who are terrorists, and train, and protect terrorists, described us as terrorists. We are defending ourselves; we are not terrorists," he insisted. "We responded, but we didn't target civilians...The day I became president, they assassinated [Hamas leader] Ismail Haniyeh. They target any neighborhood, any province, in any place."

Pezeshkian finished his routine by painting Iran as a gentle, misunderstood lamb of the Middle East. "Are we the sources of instability? We only seek to live independently..."We don't want anything. We have received our response. We need strength, because a people that is not capable of defending itself will be trampled on," he said. "For the past 200 years, Iran has never attacked any territory. We have defended ourselves, but never attacked..."We do not seek power to attack or commit aggression; we seek energy for progress, not to threaten...The people of Iran have been in the last seven months in support of our homeland."

The President of the world's leading nation of terrorism added, "Iran must be powerful, so to avoid being threatened, to avoid its future being threatened...Our defensive systems are being built so that the bombing of Iranian cities doesn't go unanswered. We do not seek anyone's approval for our defense. We don't see our neighbors as security rivals. We want strong neighbors. But we can not let some gain access to our waterways and then use it to attack us."

Israeli Ambassador to the UN Danny Danon was unimpressed by the performance, pointing out that Tehran's definition of "defense" usually involves funding chaos across four different countries. "This is the same regime that arms Hezbollah in Lebanon, the Houthis in Yemen, Hamas in Gaza and Judea and Samaria, and the militias in Iraq," Danon said. "The same regime that murders its citizens when they dare to protest against it. Pezeshkian, your regime spreads terror. You are the last one who can preach to Israel and the US about morality."

Not to be outdone in the UN grievance competition, Syrian President Ahmed al-Sharaa took his turn at the microphone to remind the world that the Golan Heights belongs to him.

"When land is usurped, when sanctity is violated, people suffer, and people pay the price," Sharaa declared. "With seven states, we started to destroy chemical weapons and worked with the IAEA to combat chemical and nuclear weapons. Syria went from being a crisis to an opportunity for many countries."

Sharaa assured the assembly that his government is built on law and order. "We have consolidated our values and the rule of law. Any attempts that violate our sovereignty will be stopped. [The] Golan [Heights] will remain Syrian territory," he pledged. "Any other attempts will be thwarted."

He concluded his remarks by asking the international community to politely tell Israel to stop firing back. "I ask our partners to abide by international law...The world is encouraged by our return, but Israel keeps attacking Syria," he said. "We will continue to serve our people; we will continue to serve god. God will always reward you for your actions... There have been 500 airstrikes, more than 1200 incursions, and 300 detentions. This is at odds with the orientation that we are seeing at a global level. It is reminiscent of an era that we thought was long gone. We are committed to the 1974 agreement; we call for the withdrawal of Israeli forces to the line of the 8 of December of 2024."

Romanian President Nicusor Dan briefly brought basic sanity back to the room, reminding the assembly that giving radical regimes weapons of mass destruction remains a terrible idea. "Iran must not possess a nuclear weapon. Iran must comply with the NPT, and must restore access to the IAEA," Dan said. "Romania will continue to provide maritime security and unrestricted navigation in the Strait of Hormuz and the Black Sea."

Finally, Argentine President Javier Milei stepped up to offer a rare display of common sense, explaining why his country prefers backing free nations over religious dictatorships.

Milei noted that Buenos Aires "aligned with the US and Israel because we share beliefs and a profound strategic affinity."

"That's why we condemned the attacks by the Iranian regime against Israel; we declared the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps a foreign terrorist group, and we are still demanding justice for the two terror attacks against Argentine soil in 1992 and 1994," Milei stated, before delivering a parting shot to the diplomats in attendance.

The UN, Milei noted, "voted systematically against Israel, while they kept silent over Islamic extremism and the genocide of Christians in Africa."

At press time, UN delegates responded to the speeches by forming a sub-committee to draft a strongly worded resolution condemning Israel for existing.

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Illegal alien sentenced to 6 years for child sex crimes after Fairfax officials ignored ICE detainer, released him: DHS

FAIRFAX COUNTY, VA—Demonstrating their unwavering commitment to progressive values and hospitality, enlightened virtue-signaling Fairfax County officials successfully released an illegal immigrant wanted for child sex crimes back into the community after courageously ignoring a pesky federal detainer.

Roni Mendez-Escobar, a Guatemalan national who had already mastered the art of crossing the U.S. border by doing it three separate times in 2015 alone, was arrested on October 23, 2025, for possession of child sex abuse material. 

Recognizing a prime opportunity to stand up against xenophobia, local officials swiftly discarded a U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) detainer and set him free just four days later without bothering to notify federal authorities.

Unfortunately for the visionary sanctuary bureaucrats, heartless federal agents ruined the feel-good story by apprehending Mendez-Escobar at a court hearing on April 22, 2026. 

On September 16, the scumcrumpet was sentenced to merely six years and five months in prison.

“This illegal alien was sentenced to six years in prison after being convicted of child pornography and illegal re-entry,” said DHS Secretary Markwayne Mullin. “When ICE lodged a detainer for him after his arrest in October 2025, sanctuary politicians in Fairfax County, Virginia refused to honor it and RELEASED him into their community. Fortunately, their attempts to protect this pedophile failed and ICE arrested him several months later. Now he will be behind bars where he belongs, and when he finishes his sentence, ICE will be ready to deport him so he can never threaten another American child.”

Meanwhile, Fairfax County leaders were reportedly drafting a sternly worded resolution expressing deep disappointment that oppressive federal laws interfered with their vibrant community outreach program.

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WORLD LEADERS IN DISBELIEF: Brilliant French Visionary Solves Middle East Conflict By Erasing Hamxs From West Bank With Mind Power

Has the intelligence of gum

NEW YORK — French President Emmanuel Macron stunned the diplomatic world on Tuesday during his speech at the 81st session of the United Nations General Assembly, where he courageously used the power of pure, unadulterated European sophistication to simply wish terrorism out of existence. Dolt.

Standing before the world's premier debating club for wealthy dictators, the French leader boldly unveiled a revolutionary geopolitical strategy: if you just pretend a ruthless terrorist organization does not exist in a specific geographic area, peace will instantly break out.

“Look at what is happening in the West Bank, where every day violations are committed. In whose name?” Macron asked the assembly, adjusting his impeccably tailored suit while presumably imagining a world where reality bends to French intellect. “Hamas has never operated in the West Bank!”

The groundbreaking declaration immediately sent shockwaves through Jerusalem, where Israeli leaders were forced to process the fact that decades of documented terrorist attacks, rocket caches, and intelligence reports were actually just a collective hallucination caused by a lack of fine wine and baguettes . . . unless Macron was either lying or is, what some Jewish people might call him, a schmuck.

Official sources in Jerusalem immediately pushed back against the French president's bold reality-warping experiment, pointing out that reality stubbornly exists regardless of what is said at a UN podium.

“The grotesque absurdity of Emmanuel Macron’s statement is staggering,” the Prime Minister’s Office said.

Israeli officials specifically referenced the tragic death of Netanel Shukrun, a French-Israeli citizen who was murdered earlier in the week in a terrorist attack that apparently occurred in a fictional dimension.

“On Sunday, the eve of Yom Kippur, just two days ago, Netanel Shukrun, a FRENCH CITIZEN and father of six, was murdered in his car by a Hamas terrorist in Judea and Samaria,” the Prime Minister’s Office said. [For those new to Israel geography, Judea and Samaria is what Arabs and their ilk call the West Bank.]

“With his final breath, he [Netanel] told his son to run.”

The Israeli government expressed deep frustration with Western leaders who insist on lecturing democratic nations about counterterrorism while operating with the historical awareness of a goldfish, or better still, a blowfish.

“Hamas terrorists carry out attacks against Jews almost every day,” the statement continued. “They have murdered countless Israeli civilians in Judea and Samaria.”

“Ignorance is NO EXCUSE for erasing their blood,” it concluded.

Finance Minister Bezalel Smotrich also jumped into the fray, taking to social media to offer a concise, direct peer-review of Macron's geopolitical thesis.

“President Macron is lying,” Smotrich wrote on X.

“This is just one attack out of hundreds of attacks led by Hamas, which fuels Arab terrorism in Judea and Samaria,” he added.

Undeterred by basic facts or recent events, Macron, ever the scumcrumpet, continued his passionate defense of moral clarity as defined by the French diplomatic core.

“What we need is respect for the legitimate rights of the Palestinian people, for their legitimate right to exist,” Macron said. “This is a necessary condition for the security of the people of Israel and for the very existence of their state, to which we are deeply committed.”

The French president went on to lecture Israel about its own national defense strategy, assuring the room that giving violent terrorists a sovereign state right next door is actually the best way to keep Israeli families safe.

“All those who claim that Israel’s security comes through violating the sovereignty of all its neighbors are making a fatal mistake,” Macron, a total liar said. “They are weakening Israel’s security.”

He also took time to scold critics who suggested that passing UN resolutions and issuing diplomatic statements might not actually stop armed militants who want to destroy the Jewish state.

“Last year, right here, there were about a dozen countries that recognized Palestine,” Macron said. “I hear the cynicism of some people: ‘Recognition on paper, look at the reality.’ But what is our credibility if we continue to remain inactive in the face of Gaza?”

At press time, French diplomats were reportedly working on Macron's next big UN address, which is slated to announce that ISIS was merely a performance art troupe and crime in Paris is completely solved because everyone agreed to stop talking about it.

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