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| Has the intelligence of gum |
NEW YORK — French President Emmanuel Macron stunned the diplomatic world on Tuesday during his speech at the 81st session of the United Nations General Assembly, where he courageously used the power of pure, unadulterated European sophistication to simply wish terrorism out of existence. Dolt.
Standing before the world's premier debating club for wealthy dictators, the French leader boldly unveiled a revolutionary geopolitical strategy: if you just pretend a ruthless terrorist organization does not exist in a specific geographic area, peace will instantly break out.
“Look at what is happening in the West Bank, where every day violations are committed. In whose name?” Macron asked the assembly, adjusting his impeccably tailored suit while presumably imagining a world where reality bends to French intellect. “Hamas has never operated in the West Bank!”
The groundbreaking declaration immediately sent shockwaves through Jerusalem, where Israeli leaders were forced to process the fact that decades of documented terrorist attacks, rocket caches, and intelligence reports were actually just a collective hallucination caused by a lack of fine wine and baguettes . . . unless Macron was either lying or is, what some Jewish people might call him, a schmuck.
Official sources in Jerusalem immediately pushed back against the French president's bold reality-warping experiment, pointing out that reality stubbornly exists regardless of what is said at a UN podium.
“The grotesque absurdity of Emmanuel Macron’s statement is staggering,” the Prime Minister’s Office said.
Israeli officials specifically referenced the tragic death of Netanel Shukrun, a French-Israeli citizen who was murdered earlier in the week in a terrorist attack that apparently occurred in a fictional dimension.
“On Sunday, the eve of Yom Kippur, just two days ago, Netanel Shukrun, a FRENCH CITIZEN and father of six, was murdered in his car by a Hamas terrorist in Judea and Samaria,” the Prime Minister’s Office said. [For those new to Israel geography, Judea and Samaria is what Arabs and their ilk call the West Bank.]
“With his final breath, he [Netanel] told his son to run.”
The Israeli government expressed deep frustration with Western leaders who insist on lecturing democratic nations about counterterrorism while operating with the historical awareness of a goldfish, or better still, a blowfish.
“Hamas terrorists carry out attacks against Jews almost every day,” the statement continued. “They have murdered countless Israeli civilians in Judea and Samaria.”
“Ignorance is NO EXCUSE for erasing their blood,” it concluded.
Finance Minister Bezalel Smotrich also jumped into the fray, taking to social media to offer a concise, direct peer-review of Macron's geopolitical thesis.
“President Macron is lying,” Smotrich wrote on X.
“This is just one attack out of hundreds of attacks led by Hamas, which fuels Arab terrorism in Judea and Samaria,” he added.
Undeterred by basic facts or recent events, Macron, ever the scumcrumpet, continued his passionate defense of moral clarity as defined by the French diplomatic core.
“What we need is respect for the legitimate rights of the Palestinian people, for their legitimate right to exist,” Macron said. “This is a necessary condition for the security of the people of Israel and for the very existence of their state, to which we are deeply committed.”
The French president went on to lecture Israel about its own national defense strategy, assuring the room that giving violent terrorists a sovereign state right next door is actually the best way to keep Israeli families safe.
“All those who claim that Israel’s security comes through violating the sovereignty of all its neighbors are making a fatal mistake,” Macron, a total liar said. “They are weakening Israel’s security.”
He also took time to scold critics who suggested that passing UN resolutions and issuing diplomatic statements might not actually stop armed militants who want to destroy the Jewish state.
“Last year, right here, there were about a dozen countries that recognized Palestine,” Macron said. “I hear the cynicism of some people: ‘Recognition on paper, look at the reality.’ But what is our credibility if we continue to remain inactive in the face of Gaza?”
At press time, French diplomats were reportedly working on Macron's next big UN address, which is slated to announce that ISIS was merely a performance art troupe and crime in Paris is completely solved because everyone agreed to stop talking about it.
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