CNN hits 3,287 day (9 year) low

The Compromised News Network (CNN), the far-left fake news outlet that spreads conspiracy theories like a farmer's manure spreader spreads what it spreads, and pushes for violence in order to boost its anemic ratings, has hit a 3,287 day low for the week of January 16 through January 22, 2023. 

According to Nielsen, it averaged 444,000 viewers in primetime and of those in the most important 25 to 54 age demographic, barely reached 93,000 news viewers--that's about a trainload of India commuters going to Goa for a swim. It's the first time since May 2014 that CNN failed to have 450,000 viewers.

In the same time period, Fox News hauled in 1,400,000 viewers, many of whom owned a My Pillow pillow and a topper, while MSNBC grabbed 629,000 leftist viewers. In prime time, Fox News had 2,000,000 viewers and MSNBC had 943,000.

CNN's new honcho, Chris Licht, looks like he made a dumb move with CNN This Morning, which has suffered ratings lower than whale poop [which is, of course, at the bottom of the ocean]. The show, which is anchored by a lemon with the same surname was able to gather just about 331,000 viewers during the week in the ratings.

How badly a suck is that?

Think Lemon.

Licht took Lemon out of his primetime "circle the bowl" spot and put him into mornings in the hopes that people would be tricked into watching this smug, leftist, serial liar and racist moron over their morning coffee. But nobody likes Don Lemon.

Fun Fact: The CNN This Morning ratings that were already in the dumpster, dropped even lower.

Maybe they should try to re-ignite CNN+ and bring back the old weed-whacker Jeffrey Toobin.

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Airline passenger gets jail time for masturbating mid-flight and it wasn't Jeff Toobin

A Southwest Airlines passenger who was buffin' the muffin four times during a flight pled guilty to a charge of indecent, or obscene acts while on an aircraft and was sentenced to 48 days in prison where he hopes to have more privacy than on an airplane. Also, Southwest has banned him for life and now he will have to fly the friendlier skies of another airline.

Antonio Sherrodd McGarity, 34, flicked the bean four times with his twig and berries exposed as he and the boys flew from Washington to Arizona on April 2nd, as the federal criminal complaint states. In addition to his short sentence, among other things, he will receive one year of probation.

The unlucky passenger sitting next to the bishop polisher reported the incident to a flight attendant, who then contacted Phoenix Police and the Federal Bureau of Investigations, according to the Department of Justice.

When the plane landed, the pickle painter was arrested. Not surprisingly, McGarity has a few other state and local convictions for lewd behavior.

McGarity allegedly waited until the plane had taken off before exposing himself, according to the complaint. The woman sitting next to the individual in seat 11E took pictures of the incident and complained to a flight attendant, and switched seats. She may have later planned to sell the photos online to Brian Stelter but that is not confirmed by Brain Flushings.

The female passenger told the Phoenix Police Department that McGarity masturbated "on four separate occasions using both his left and right hands," the court record shows. According to Kinsey et al. ambidextrous masturbators are not as rare as one might think, if one thinks about those sort of things. It was found that some masturbators prefer to use their non-dominant hand to provide the illusion that someone else is in manual override.

Evidence that Jeff Toobin is a lefty

A spokesperson for Southwest Airlines previously said that crew members on the flight took action when they were informed that the individual was pleasuring himself while flipping through photos of the Squad and Nancy Pelosi.

"We immediately placed the passenger who exhibited the lewd behavior on our No-Fly List, resulting in a lifetime ban from traveling on Southwest Airlines," the spokesperson said. "We washed our hands of him and hope other airlines will do the same."

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McGarity admitted that he reached orgasm on the flight and believed the woman next to him didn't mind. "She was snapping photos like crazy and there was a strange expression on her face which I interpreted to mean that she was okay with it."

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Comedy News Network mum on Toobin since masturbating on Zoom

Don't touch that hand, trust me

Wow, it has been six months since CNN's legal analyst Jeffrey "Hang On, I'll Be Right There" Toobin took  time off for getting off, solo, on a Zoom call. It isn't like we all haven't done it on a Zoom call at least once, but hey, his last name is Toobin--you can't pick a better name for someone who gets caught going into "manual override," if you follow my drift.

Last October, Vice broke the story about the alleged incident in which Toobin exposed himself to his New Yorker colleagues in that infamous call that was then described as "election simulation." Even that choice of words is just 2 letters off from. a hilarious description: just change one "l" to an "r" and add a "t" in the appropriate spaces.

It was later revealed that Toobin was seen "Toobining" during what was supposed to be a 10-minute "strategy session."

Toobin was later fired by the New Yorker following an investigation, but his status at CNN remains a mystery. Will the network take him back or does he have to take matters into his own hand and demand they do?

At the time, CNN issued a statement saying, "Jeff Toobin has asked for some time off while he deals with a personal issue, which we have granted." The personal issue referred to was the fact that Toobin got caught in the process of "finding Nemo," if you get my point.

However, the fact that Toobin hasn't formally been axed is fueling speculation of an eventual return to the network once things get worked out, and certain CNN insiders believe he will.

That being said, the DIY dabbler has a history of disturbing sexual behavior and there have been rumors in a 2010 Gawker report about Toobin's inappropriate actions with women outside his wonderful marriage to his lovely wife. And then there's the situation in which Toobin fathered a child in 2009 with Casey Greenfield, the lovely daughter of Jeff Greenfield his former CNN colleague.

Toobin urged Ms. Greenfield to have the baby professionally killed by doctors but she refused and was later taken to court where he lied saying the child was not his. The weasel was forced to take a DNA test which proved he lied and was indeed the father of the child, and was ordered to pay child support.

Jeffrey Toobin may have engaged in safe sex on Zoom, but beyond that blooper he is a horrible person and that makes him star material for CNN.

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