Civil War Erupts At ‘60 Minutes’ As Remaining Hosts Heroically Threaten To Quit Someday, Maybe

Reporters at CBS’s “60 Minutes” are reportedly locked in a brutal internal civil war after several top stars courageously announced they would continue cashing paychecks while issuing a strongly worded ultimatum against the network’s leadership.

Veteran correspondents Lesley Stahl, Bill Whitaker and Jon Wertheim confirmed they had considered leaving the program after a string of firings rocked the newsroom, but ultimately decided they “don’t want to see ‘60 Minutes’ die,” mostly because they still need somewhere to dramatically sigh on camera every Sunday night.

The trio released a fiery statement declaring that “newsrooms are not supposed to be run like dictatorships,” stunning viewers who had long assumed every newsroom was actually run by caffeine, panic and 14 producers yelling “we’re losing daylight.”

CBS executives reportedly fired longtime correspondent Scott Pelley after he detonated during a staff meeting and informed new executive producer Nick Bilton that his qualifications were “slender,” which insiders described as the most devastating insult ever delivered by a man wearing a $4,000 suit while seated in ergonomic outrage.

Bilton, who was brought in by CBS editor-in-chief Bari Weiss, allegedly received a chilly reception from Pelley, who accused Weiss of “murdering” the show, marking the first confirmed homicide committed entirely through editorial meetings and Slack messages.

According to Stahl, Whitaker and Wertheim, producers Tanya Simon and Draggan Mihailovich were removed without explanation.

“As far as we can tell, because no explanation has ever been offered, they were expelled because they fought for our ‘60 Minutes’ values and stood up to protect our independence and integrity,” the correspondents wrote, bravely defending the sacred journalistic tradition of angrily confronting billion-dollar corporations while remaining employed by them.

“We want to express how sorry we are that these principled, fair and honest journalists were treated so shabbily, with such indecency. Tanya deserves to be celebrated, not cruelly cast off. Draggan too. It’s been heartbreaking,” they added, before returning to the newsroom where everyone now reportedly communicates through passive-aggressive eye contact and carefully worded memos.

The group also praised former staffers Sharyn Alfonsi, Cecilia Vega and Scott Pelley.

“This goes for Sharyn, Cecilia and Scott as well, all at the top of the world of TV journalism who exemplified 60 Minutes’ ethos of tough questions and honest storytelling,” they wrote, moments before executives held another emergency meeting titled “Please Stop Calling Each Other Fascists In The Conference Room.”

Despite the turmoil, the correspondents insisted their decision to stay should not be interpreted as support for management.

They warned that remaining at CBS is “categorically not the case” when it comes to endorsing leadership, a distinction experts say is similar to remaining aboard the Titanic strictly to criticize iceberg navigation policies.

The journalists also cautioned they could still leave in the future if the show drifts further from independent journalism.

“If we can continue doing the work that made this show what it is, committing acts of independent, fearless journalism and storytelling, we’re here for it. If not, we leave.”

At press time, CBS denied accusations of political interference, insisting the network’s only interference involves the standard newsroom practice of executives quietly setting everything on fire while assuring reporters it’s completely normal.

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Biden warns Putin about using nukes in Ukraine: "Don't do it, man."

Alleged President Joe Biden went on "60 Minutes" set to air Sunday, and did not fall asleep nor have incontinence times two. He mumbled with host Scott Pelley, who asked our leader what would he say and what would be the consequences from the United States if Putin used nuclear weapons in Ukraine.

Rather than telling us the consequences, the so-called President said, in that eloquent way he has, "Don't. Don't. Don't," to Russian President Putin. 

"You will change the face of war unlike anything since World War II," Biden then mush-mouthed.

Pelley  asked what consequences Russia would face for such a move and the president declined to get into specifics.

"You think I would tell you if I knew exactly what it would be? Of course, I'm not gonna tell you. It'll be consequential," Biden said, as a way to cover up the fact that he forgot what he was told to say. "They'll become more of a pariah in the world than they ever have been. And depending on the extent of what they do will determine what response would occur."

Former President Trump, on the other hand, would have said something like, "I would tell that shirtless slob that if he so much as tries to launch a nuke, his entire country would become toast."

But Biden is not Trump. In fact, Biden is not lucid.

Biden's warning comes after Ukraine forced Russian troops to pull back in the northeastern Kharkiv region as they were caught by surprise. Western war officials said that Ukraine is gaining ground and some Russians have been forced back across their own border.

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The head of the Kharkiv prosecutor’s office, Oleksandr Filchakov, said investigators were analyzing reports of civilians being killed and buried by Russian soldiers in the town of Balakliia – another town that has been retaken by Ukrainian forces in the Kharkiv region. 

Of course, if true, this is a war crime and clearly more of a violation of human rights than is sending people to a tony resort town, such as Martha's Vineyard, via air conditioned jet with their approval.

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CBS's Pelley dumps on Trump may get bumped

CBS glamour guy Scott Pelley is losing viewers like Blockbuster Video lost customers after Netflix was launched. While the CBS Evening News was always leading from behind of its competitors, it has gotten a lot worse since President Trump took office.

Anchor Pelley has become even more enthusiastic about pulling the chain and flush, as his job begins to circle the bowl. 

Since the November election, the Evening News managing editor and chief 60 Minutes correspondent (if you can call his leftist views 'journalism' rather than opinion) has thrown away all pretenses of being objective as he takes cheap shots at President Trump and tells the American public how to think.

Yet in spite of the incredible wisdom Pelley pontificates to the public, Evening News has taken a massive dip in viewership going from worst among the big three evening news programs to worstest, a word that was invented just for CBS's Evening News. 

At last count they had 7,621,000 viewers with only 1,702,000 in the key demographic compared to NBC Nightly News with Lester Holt's 9,182,000 viewers.

This month there has been a serious decline among the left-leaning networks with Pelley's freak show getting the hardest hit. On April 3rd, he raked in a tiny viewership of 6,249,000 viewers--that's about as many people who typically ride on the roof of a New Delhi train to Chennai. The key demo is a pathetic 1,366,000 liberals, about 1.7 million fewer than ABC's World News Tonight.

Pelley's problem is his obvious disdain for the values and voters of heartland viewers, a demographic CBS relies on more than the other networks. A.J. Katz of Ad Week, said in March how the leftist Pelley "has become a critical evaluator of Pres. Donald Trump during his newscast, a tactic not necessarily used by his fellow evening newsmen."

Some say Pelley has one foot out the door and the other on a banana peel. Pelley denies that as vociferously as Hillary Clinton on Benghazi.

What used to be journalism on the three networks has become op-ed, and in Pelley's case, an attack on the viewers who were wise enough to go elsewhere. 

Just another case of the dog biting the hand that feeds it.


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