Civil War Erupts At ‘60 Minutes’ As Remaining Hosts Heroically Threaten To Quit Someday, Maybe

Reporters at CBS’s “60 Minutes” are reportedly locked in a brutal internal civil war after several top stars courageously announced they would continue cashing paychecks while issuing a strongly worded ultimatum against the network’s leadership.

Veteran correspondents Lesley Stahl, Bill Whitaker and Jon Wertheim confirmed they had considered leaving the program after a string of firings rocked the newsroom, but ultimately decided they “don’t want to see ‘60 Minutes’ die,” mostly because they still need somewhere to dramatically sigh on camera every Sunday night.

The trio released a fiery statement declaring that “newsrooms are not supposed to be run like dictatorships,” stunning viewers who had long assumed every newsroom was actually run by caffeine, panic and 14 producers yelling “we’re losing daylight.”

CBS executives reportedly fired longtime correspondent Scott Pelley after he detonated during a staff meeting and informed new executive producer Nick Bilton that his qualifications were “slender,” which insiders described as the most devastating insult ever delivered by a man wearing a $4,000 suit while seated in ergonomic outrage.

Bilton, who was brought in by CBS editor-in-chief Bari Weiss, allegedly received a chilly reception from Pelley, who accused Weiss of “murdering” the show, marking the first confirmed homicide committed entirely through editorial meetings and Slack messages.

According to Stahl, Whitaker and Wertheim, producers Tanya Simon and Draggan Mihailovich were removed without explanation.

“As far as we can tell, because no explanation has ever been offered, they were expelled because they fought for our ‘60 Minutes’ values and stood up to protect our independence and integrity,” the correspondents wrote, bravely defending the sacred journalistic tradition of angrily confronting billion-dollar corporations while remaining employed by them.

“We want to express how sorry we are that these principled, fair and honest journalists were treated so shabbily, with such indecency. Tanya deserves to be celebrated, not cruelly cast off. Draggan too. It’s been heartbreaking,” they added, before returning to the newsroom where everyone now reportedly communicates through passive-aggressive eye contact and carefully worded memos.

The group also praised former staffers Sharyn Alfonsi, Cecilia Vega and Scott Pelley.

“This goes for Sharyn, Cecilia and Scott as well, all at the top of the world of TV journalism who exemplified 60 Minutes’ ethos of tough questions and honest storytelling,” they wrote, moments before executives held another emergency meeting titled “Please Stop Calling Each Other Fascists In The Conference Room.”

Despite the turmoil, the correspondents insisted their decision to stay should not be interpreted as support for management.

They warned that remaining at CBS is “categorically not the case” when it comes to endorsing leadership, a distinction experts say is similar to remaining aboard the Titanic strictly to criticize iceberg navigation policies.

The journalists also cautioned they could still leave in the future if the show drifts further from independent journalism.

“If we can continue doing the work that made this show what it is, committing acts of independent, fearless journalism and storytelling, we’re here for it. If not, we leave.”

At press time, CBS denied accusations of political interference, insisting the network’s only interference involves the standard newsroom practice of executives quietly setting everything on fire while assuring reporters it’s completely normal.

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Kamala Harris won't refer to Netanyahu as an "ally" of the United States

US Democratic presidential nominee Kamala Harris didn't answer directly when asked if Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is a friend or ally of the United States. This raised some questions about how strongly she supports Israel.

During an interview with the long-running news program "60 Minutes," Kamala Harris was questioned about the Biden administration's difficulties in negotiating a ceasefire between Israel and the Palestinian group Hamas, which has governed Gaza since 2007. Journalist Bill Whitaker asked her if the United States has influence over Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu and whether the Biden administration considers him a trusted partner.

“Do we have a real, close ally in Prime Minister Netanyahu?” Whitaker asked.

“I think, with all due respect, the better question is do we have an important alliance between the American people and the Israeli people? And the answer to that question is yes,” Harris responded, correcting the veteran newsman with a question she's better suited for answering to confuse the listener.

During the entire interview, Whitaker appeared upset that Netanyahu didn't take the Biden-Harris administration's advise to ease off winning so much and tone it down. Harris agreed by not disagreeing.

“We supply Israel with billions of dollars in military aid. And yet, Prime Minister Netanyahu seems to be charting his own course. The Biden-Harris administration has pressed him to agree to a ceasefire. He’s resisted. You urged him to not go into Lebanon. He went in anyway. He has promised to make Iran pay for a missile attack, and that has the potential of expanding the war. Does the US have no sway under Prime Minister Netanyahu?” Whitaker asked.

Screw Whitaker and screw Harris. When will the United States tell Hamas and Hezbollah to surrender? Why should the burden always be on Israel? The truth is, when Israel was the victim of the October 7 massacre, the US had sympathy. When Israel began winning the war against the terrorists, they were the "victimizers" and Hamassholes and Hezballess were the victims. 

Let's face it; there are a lot of racist scumcrumpets out there.

In recent weeks, US officials have said that Hamas has refused to agree to a ceasefire deal, placing most of the blame on the group's leader, Mrs. Yahya Sinwar. It's unknown if he's still wearing women's clothing but what is clear is that he lost his love of death.

At the same time, Israel has ramped up its military operations against Iran-backed Hezbollah. For the past year, Hezbollah has been launching rockets, missiles, and drones at northern Israeli communities nearly every day.

Iran supports and sponsors both Hamas and Hezbollah and has recently launched over 180 ballistic missiles at Israel directly. The Jewish state has vowed to respond to the attack as the history of FAFO has proven it can and will.

Harris responded to Whitaker, arguing that American military aid has allowed Israel to “defend itself against 200 ballistic missiles” aimed at killing the Jewish state’s civilians. “It is without any question,” she said in her annoying nasal voice, that the federal government has an “imperative” to help Israel mitigate threats from belligerent entities such as Iran, Hamas, and Hezbollah. She added that Israel has an obligation to allow “humanitarian aid” to enter the Gaza Strip and cooperate with ceasefire negotiations, unlike Hamas who simply uses Gazans as human shields.

[Fun Fact: Kamala Harris is reportedly having covert meetings with Michigan Muslims Thursday to discuss providing aid to Lebanon and Gaza in the hope of buying votes.]

Harris added that American pressure against Israel has “resulted in a number of movements in that region” that have helped improve living standards for Palestinians in Gaza, but when pressed, Harris was unable to define where Palestine is located as it is a figment of our collective imaginations.

Since ascending to the top of the Democratic presidential ticket in July, without receiving even one vote from the public, Harris has sought to shore up support among the Jewish community as well as the Arab and Muslim communities in the US by basically telling them what they want to hear, but her record as VP speaks for itself and it speaks Karl Marx. 

Harris has also been accused of maintaining perfunctory support for Israel based on her level of support for Israel and the threat of removing that support unless Israel bows down to her.

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