Iran Claims Virtually Entire Strait Of Hormuz Is Now Under Its Control In Newly-Released Map

TEHRAN—In a bold strategic masterstroke that military analysts are calling “both hilarious and completely insane,” Iran’s newly created Persian Gulf Strait Authority released a map Wednesday claiming control over a massive “maritime supervision zone” in the international waterway Strait of Hormuz, an area so humongous that ships would reportedly be unable to pass through the critical waterway without entering territory now claimed by Tehran.

According to the statement issued by the authority on X, the regime defined the boundaries of its claimed control zone using geographic lines stretching from the Iranian coast to parts of the United Arab Emirates, because nothing says “regional superpower” like drawing on a map with a crayon and declaring victory. It's like a wet caliphate.

“The Islamic Republic of Iran has defined the boundaries of the Strait of Hormuz management supervision area,” the statement said, outlining a maritime corridor extending from Kuh Mobarak in Iran to southern Fujairah in the UAE and westward toward Umm al-Qaiwain.

Iran also declared that vessels transiting the Strait of Hormuz must now coordinate with the Persian Gulf Waterway Management authority and obtain permits before passage, or face the terrifying consequences of strongly worded letters and possibly a very angry tweet from the Supreme Leader.

“Passing through the Strait of Hormuz require[s] coordination with the Persian Gulf Waterway Management and a permit from this entity,” the statement said.

At press time, the U.S. Navy was reportedly updating its “How To Sail Through Iranian Fantasy Maps” training manual while quietly loading extra ammunition, just in case the mullahs decide their imaginary lines need defending with real boats.

Bring it.

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Iran's Supreme Leader, Looking Super Healthy and Totally in Charge, Vows to Keep Nukes and Missiles, Because Reasons

Supreme Leader Khamenei Jr. issues warning to US

TEHRAN — Despite persistent rumors that he might be one strong breeze away from meeting his 72 virgins, Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei signaled on Persian Gulf Day that the Islamic Republic is digging in on its cherished nuclear and missile programs. This comes as President Donald Trump continues his controversial and highly provocative efforts to pursue peace.

While reportedly in "questionable health," the ailing cleric took to the internet from what sources describe as a heavily fortified hospital bed to issue a bold statement vowing to protect the regime's "nuclear and missile capabilities." Tensions remain sky high over the Strait of Hormuz, where Iran bravely confronts the United States by occasionally yelling at passing cargo ships. Khamenei escalated his trademark rhetoric against Washington, declaring the only suitable place for the American military in the Persian Gulf is "at the bottom of its waters."

"By God's help and power, the bright future of the Persian Gulf region will be a future without America, one serving the progress, comfort and prosperity of its people," a translation of the statement read.

"We and our neighbors across the waters of the Persian Gulf and the (Gulf) of Oman share a common destiny. Foreigners who come from thousands of kilometers away to act with greed and malice there have no place in it – except at the bottom of its waters."

The Junior Supreme Leader cast the U.S. as a meddling outsider with zero legitimate business in the region and insisted the Gulf’s future must be “without America.”

Before photo

"Two months after the world's biggest military campaign and aggression in the region and America's shameful failure in its plan, a new chapter is dawning in the Persian Gulf and the Strait of Hormuz," the statement read.

Among the strongest quotes from the Iranian leader, as translated: "The foreigners who greedily commit evil in it from thousands of kilometers away have no place in it except in the depths of its waters."

"Ninety million brave and honorable Iranian compatriots . . . consider all the capacities of identity, spirituality, humanity, science, industry and basic and new technologies, from nano and bio to nuclear and missile, as their national capital and will guard them like water, land and air borders."

"With practical gratitude for the blessing of implementing management of the Strait of Hormuz, Islamic Iran will secure the Persian Gulf region and eliminate the hostile enemy's abuses of this waterway."

Analysts noted that while the statement was fiery, the only thing Iran appears ready to launch successfully these days is strongly worded social media posts from a leader who may or may not still have a pulse. Iran's Islamic gay community is holding its collective breath.

Trump, meanwhile, is reportedly still open to a deal if the Ayatollah can just stop threatening to sink the world's navies from his sickbed.

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Iran on the cusp of going nuclear thanks to Biden- and they want Harris to win

As the US presidential election fast approaches, it is known that Iran wants Kamala Harris to win and may be ready to push forward a nuclear weapon as the Trump-Harris election battle continues.

The Islamic Republic now has the technical know-how and resources to get more than a dozen nuclear bombs online in just four months — possibly before Joe Biden technically leaves office [he's been mentally gone for years, sources say].

Tehran thus far has enriched over 6,200 kilograms of uranium to the 5%, 20% and 60% levels. Weapons grade uranium 235 is about 90% enrichment and this is what the mullahs are going for, while under Trump they generated less than low-enriched uranium with fewer than 2,400 centrifuges. 

Now it has over 7,400 of the advanced centrifuges required to rapidly enrich radioactive ore, along with other technical advances that will allow it to replace human lab work on a nuclear weapon with computer modeling, which is much easier to conceal and far quicker.

Worse still, it has reactivated its Fordow enrichment site and is reportedly building a new site near the Natanz facility, one sunk so deep in the earth it would be immune to offensive strikes unless the Mossad can infiltrate it and blow it to smithereens.

In other words, America’s most committed enemy in the Middle East and the world’s leading sponsor of terrorism is now on the cusp of a strategic breakthrough that will see it empowered beyond anyone’s worst nightmares.

Maybe if Biden-Harris sends them more money, they'll be nice to us. After all, the Biden-Harris administration has left us with a border crisis, another national security clusterfrack [sic] so we need to deal with that as well.

Call Trump crazy if you want to, but under his administration, Iran, North Korea, China and Russia knew better than to mess with us. 

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Death sentence issued by Iran for accused U.S. spy

The Islamic Republic's judiciary in Iran has issued a death sentence for a person they have accused of spying for the United States. In addition, the Iranian courts have sentenced individuals who they have accused of spying for us and the UK up to ten years.

The prosecutors in the notoriously corrupt Iranian legal system have requested the accused U.S. spies be put to death for their alleged crimes. [It's as bad as being gay in Iran if you get accused of spying.]

One supposed spy, Ali Nafariyeh. "has been sentenced to 10 years of prison and fined with the payment of $55,000 for spying for the CIA benefit." The fine will be used to buy Korans and bullets.

Gholamhossein Esmayeeli, a spokesman for Iran's judiciary [his friends call him Gholaminsane], made the announcement on Tuesday in Tehran, according to the Islamic country's state-controlled [fake news] press.

Another accused spy, Mohammad Babapour, will receive a similar sentence.

"Another individual, namely Amir Nasab, has also been sentenced to 10 years in prison for spying for Britain," Esmayeeli said.

The individual sentenced to death has appealed the decision to Iran's court, though it remains unclear if Tehran will stay the execution. If they go through with killing this person, it will be President Trump's decision to deal with it how he chooses to do so. At the very least, he will have the Ayatollah investigated for corruptions.

"Members of the [spy] team were identified last year with strenuous efforts of the Iranian security forces and its agents were identified in Iran's sensitive centers, including the nuclear and defense centers and the country's public infrastructures and most of them were arrested," Esmayeeli said when the alleged spy operations were first announced in July.

According to sources who wish to remain anonymous because they don't actually exist, the Iranian security forces used the "Eeny Meeny Minee Moe" method of investigation to capture the alleged spies.

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