Iran Claims Virtually Entire Strait Of Hormuz Is Now Under Its Control In Newly-Released Map

TEHRAN—In a bold strategic masterstroke that military analysts are calling “both hilarious and completely insane,” Iran’s newly created Persian Gulf Strait Authority released a map Wednesday claiming control over a massive “maritime supervision zone” in the international waterway Strait of Hormuz, an area so humongous that ships would reportedly be unable to pass through the critical waterway without entering territory now claimed by Tehran.

According to the statement issued by the authority on X, the regime defined the boundaries of its claimed control zone using geographic lines stretching from the Iranian coast to parts of the United Arab Emirates, because nothing says “regional superpower” like drawing on a map with a crayon and declaring victory. It's like a wet caliphate.

“The Islamic Republic of Iran has defined the boundaries of the Strait of Hormuz management supervision area,” the statement said, outlining a maritime corridor extending from Kuh Mobarak in Iran to southern Fujairah in the UAE and westward toward Umm al-Qaiwain.

Iran also declared that vessels transiting the Strait of Hormuz must now coordinate with the Persian Gulf Waterway Management authority and obtain permits before passage, or face the terrifying consequences of strongly worded letters and possibly a very angry tweet from the Supreme Leader.

“Passing through the Strait of Hormuz require[s] coordination with the Persian Gulf Waterway Management and a permit from this entity,” the statement said.

At press time, the U.S. Navy was reportedly updating its “How To Sail Through Iranian Fantasy Maps” training manual while quietly loading extra ammunition, just in case the mullahs decide their imaginary lines need defending with real boats.

Bring it.

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