Illegal Immigrants at NJ ICE Facility Launch Bold Hunger Strike Demanding Better Food, Faster Release, And Perhaps A Participation Trophy

NEWARK, NJ—In a shocking display of intestinal fortitude (or lack thereof), roughly 300 illegal immigrants at Delaney Hall, a private ICE detention center, have bravely refused to eat since Saturday, May 23, to protest such unimaginable horrors as spoiled food, inadequate medical care, overcrowding, and the soul-crushing inconvenience of being detained after entering the country illegally.

Sources say the courageous strikers are demanding better treatment, speedier hearings, or immediate release so they can get back to the important business of whatever it was they came here to do. Organizers described the conditions as "basically Auschwitz with worse Wi-Fi," though witnesses noted the facility still provides three meals a day, meals that are apparently not quite up to the standards of a Michelin-starred sanctuary city restaurant.

Border Czar Tom Homan, unfazed as usual, offered the following compassionate, empathetic response:"Look, I've done this since 1984. Hunger strikes never work," Homan said. "We're not going to change what we do because someone goes on a hunger strike. As a matter of fact, if it gets bad enough and the physicians feel like they're putting themselves in extreme danger, medical danger, then we'll force-feed them. We'll get a court order and force-feed them."

"Hunger strikes do not work. So they can put themselves in a position where they're not eating, but it's not going to cause them to be released," he said. "We are going to continue to arrest people. We'll continue to detain people. As far as complaining about ICE contract facilities, well, guess what? We're building our own warehouse facilities. We will have the federally-owned detention facilities by the thousands of beds. So look for the future."

"And I've said from day one, we need to own more of these facilities when we operate them on federal land," he added. "And that way, we're not dealing with all this crap from the local politicians and the state and the governors because this is a federal facility on federal land. That's the direction we need to go to. And that's the direction we're heading in."

At press time, the hunger strikers were reportedly considering escalating their protest by dramatically sighing and rolling their eyes, while Homan reminded everyone that the border is secure, deportations are happening, and maybe next time just don't get caught.

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Yale grad students hold virtual hunger strike

"Dude, I haven't eaten in an hour"

If a guy can say he's a woman because he identifies with being one, the left agrees with him--he's a she who can even stand up to pee. 

And while they say there exists at least 57 varieties of gender (like Heinz Ketchup) they have the audacity of dope to call what they believe 'science.' If we disagree with them and use actual science to make our point, we are science deniers. 

At Yale University, a gaggle of graduate students said Tuesday evening that they would be going on a hunger strike to pressure the school administration into granting them union benefits. The hunger strike is being waged in front of University President Peter Salovey's home.

"Yale wants to make us wait and wait and wait . . . until we give up and go away," the eight members of the graduate student union Local 33 announced. "We have committed ourselves to waiting without eating."

"Please pass the mustard."

Yale doctoral students earn a stipend of $30,000 a year, get free health care and have their $40,000 tuition paid in full, says the Yale News, a campus paper with a clever title.

The administration said in a statement they understood the kid's concerns but "strongly [urge] that students not put their health at risk or encourage others to do so."

"Pass the meat, please."

Fortunately for the students, they didn't put their health in peril as they chowed down when the first signs of hunger got them salivating like dogs in a Russian stimulus experiment.

"Do you plan to eat all those fries?"

According to a pamphlet posted by a former Yale student on Twitter, the hunger strike is merely "symbolic" and hunger strikers can leave and chow down whenever they want, lest they die a miserable Third World Country style death. 

Dimitri Halikias, tweeted: "Update: the Yale grad student union is holding a *symbolic* hunger strike (they eat when hungry) Still inspirational.
--Dimitri Halikias (@DHalikias)"

Yeah, as inspirational as virtual mountain climbing and as real as a Hillary Clinton smile.



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A British-Iranian Woman Imprisoned, Goes on Hunger Strike

Ghoncheh Ghavami, 25, a British-Iranian law student was visiting her family back in Iran, or the "old country" and working for a charity organization while there. She made the unforgivable mistake of attempting to attend a men-only volleyball game last June.

She was sent to prison for three months before they charged her with "propaganda against the regime." She is being held in Evin prison, a prison known for its violent volleyball breakers of the rules of the Islamic state.

Ghoncheh is now on a hunger strike but the Iranian government is claiming that she was planning to lose weight anyway, and actually looks marvelous.

She tried, along with about a dozen other volleyball rule breaking women to see the Iran men play Italy. Her brother, Iman (no relation to Imus in the Morning or, the "I Man" as he is often called) said that the charges against Ghoncheh are "ambiguous." What he meant by that remark is unclear.

Naked Iranian Men

But the law is the law and this one was enacted in 2012 when it was deemed that mixed crowds were "un-Islamic" because male athletes are not considered fully dressed, and this may cause women to have sexual fantasies about them and this too is un-Islamic because these athletes may be married and this would make their 9 year old wives very jealous.

Instead, Islam suggests that women who are looking for good Islamic entertainment should join the jihad and partake in a beheading to relieve themselves of pent up blood lust.

Even the word "ball" is questionable as to whether it is okay to say as it often is used to refer to men's testicles. But the Ayatollah is a fair-minded man, (if you're not Jewish, Christian, American, Hindu, a woman, gay or an atheist) and has allowed men to play with balls and other such sports equipment so long as it does not interfere with their five daily prayers to the moon god, Allah.

Practically naked Iranian Women

And while the Ayatollah banned only those people with vaginas from watching men hardly dressed, the International Federation of Volleyball warned Iran about this ban, and this point was brought up by the Iman, Ghoncheh's brother. He said his sister thought the ban was lifted. 

Funny thing, Ghoncheh was originally released after four hours of questioning when she tried getting into the match, but when she tried collecting her belongings days later, she was rearrested once they discovered her dual citizenship.

The Iman gathered half a million signatures to petition the British government to get off their duffs and bring her back to the UK, but nothing has been done as yet. In fact, Hassan Rouhani, Iran's president, told the Communist News Network (CNN) that Ghavami is not recognized by Iran as a UK citizen.

So far, Women for Women International has done for Ghavami what the National Organization for Women has done for women across the world who suffered from Islamic violence such as: genital mutilation, stoning: zip, nada, nothing.



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