Michael Avenatti is going to start his no good day in Manhattan Federal Court, just a stone's throw from the Brooklyn Bridge and New York's Chinatown. When he's finished his day, not as a lawyer, but as a defendant, he might head out for some interesting Chinese food along Mott Street and perhaps order his favorite dish: Sum Dum Fool. It comes with sticky rice and 69 years in the slammer.
Avenatti, 49, is scheduled to be arraigned on charges of trying to extort up to $25 million from Nike, the athletic apparel-maker, by threatening to expose claims that they paid off high school basketball players to steer them to Nike-sponsored colleges.
But wait! That's not all.
The chrome-dome lawyer is also scheduled to be arraigned on charges that he stole nearly $300,000 from pornography performer and alleged Donald Trump one-night-stand accuser, Stormy Daniels, the client who
rocketed him to national prominence and put a rocket in his pocket, a spring to his step, and a strange discoloration in his southern hemisphere.
In the Nike case, the shyster is charged with one count of extortion, one count of sending interstate communications with intent to extort and two counts of conspiracy.
And he wanted to be President almost as much as Brian Stelter wanted him to be, and also to sit in his lap.
But wait, that's not all.
In the Stormy Daniels case, Avenatti is charged with one count of wire fraud and one count of aggravated identity theft. If convicted on all counts, Avenatti could face a total of 69 years in prison. Not surprisingly, Stormy Daniels laughed when she heard that number.
Avenatti repeatedly has denied any wrongdoing [LOL] and is expected to plead not guilty to all charges. He claims to be a prince of a guy, "unlike Trump, who I'd like to punch in his f***in' face," he said in his best DeNiro voice to Brain Flushings' Bobby "The Punim" Ortez.
Avenatti was initially arrested on March 25 at a New York law firm where he had scheduled a meeting with Nike executives to allegedly extort their company out of millions.
On March 19, six days prior to that meeting, prosecutors said, Avenatti and a co-conspirator, identified as CNN celebrity attorney, Mark Geragos, met with attorneys for Nike and "threatened to release damaging information" if the company did not agree to make multi-million dollar payments to them, as well as an additional $1.5 million payment to a California youth basketball coach Avenatti claimed to represent [and probably owed that money to and would have likely screwed out of the money if the guy really existed.]
According to the U.S. government, Avenatti threatened to hold a news conference on the eve of Nike's quarterly earnings call and the start of the NCAA tournament to announce allegations of misconduct by Nike employees, at one point telling Nike's lawyers he would "take ten billion dollars off your client's market cap . . . I'm not f***ing around."
Yes, he was serious and will probably serve serious time in the clink and become friendly with guys named Bubba and Sledge.
Avenatti was indicted formally in the Nike matter on Wednesday, the same day prosecutors indicted him in the Stormy Daniels case, in which they claimed Avenatti stole two payments totaling $297,500 from an advance Daniels was supposed to receive from a book deal in the summer of 2018.
The book's tentative title was: "Put My Money Where My Other Greasy Money Is," according to "The Punim."
Court documents said Avenatti gave Daniels' literary agent an adulterated letter with her signature directing the agent to divert the money to an account controlled by Avenatti, who continues to prove his chances of becoming President of the United States of America.
Avenatti then allegedly spent the money "on airfare, hotels, car services, restaurants and meal delivery, online retailers, payroll for his law firm and another business he owned, and insurance."
I'll say it again, what a prince of a guy.
The indictment said that after "The Stormster" asked Avenatti why she had not received the first payment, Avenatti lied and claimed he was still trying to extract the money from the publisher. Weeks later, the lawyer allegedly "used funds recently received from another source" to pay Daniels the amount she was owed -- $148,750.
Soon thereafter, prosecutors said Avenatti received another payment of $148,750 from Daniels' agent and used the money on personal expenses, including a lease payment on a Ferrari which he refused to allow Brian Stelter to ride in.
When Daniels asked for the remaining money, Avenatti allegedly misled her, claiming that it was the book's publisher who was refusing to pay the amount to her literary agent. She was ready to put a hit out on the guy if he didn't fork over the bread, but then she learned who the real scumcrumpet was--the guy who was living big on CNN--Michael Avenatti.
Avenatti's legal issues have been quite formidable, but his troubles are not limited to New York, [where Bill de Blasio's Big Apple has troubles of its own.]
In March, federal prosecutors in Southern California accused Avenatti of committing bank fraud and wire fraud by embezzling settlement money from not one, not two, but five clients, including a paraplegic man, to pay personal expenses and debts — did I mention he's a prince of a guy? He also embezzled from his coffee business and law firm and would have gone after Little Sisters of the Poor, but they don't have much money to steal.
It's even rumored that Avenatti stole the paraplegic man's wheelchair battery to use as a spare for his Ferrari and once kicked a puppy because it was cute.
His mother must have been so proud of him when he graduated correspondence law school with a C+ average. "That's my boy. That's my Mikey boy," she must've told her friends at the beauty parlor. "You should see him with the girls. They're all over him."
According to U.S. Attorney Nick Hanna, Avenatti also obtained $4.1 million in loans from a Mississippi bank by using fraudulent tax returns that stated he made more than $14 million of his own money between 2011 and 2013 and had paid more than $1 million in estimated taxes to the IRS in 2012 and 2013.
In fact, investigators said, Avenatti owed the IRS $850,438 plus interest and penalties for the years 2009 and 2010, paid no personal income taxes for 2011, 2012 and 2013 and paid no estimated taxes in 2012 and 2013. In other words, Avenatti is a deadbeat, in the spirit of Bernie Sanders.
What a prince of a guy. Especially for what he did to the paraplegic man.
If convicted of all 36 counts in the California case, Avenatti faces up to 335 years in prison. He will be 384 years old when he finally walks out of prison, [not counting the 69 years New York would have him serve], but he will not be permitted to practice law, even if somehow he wasn't disbarred because robots will be litigating by then.
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