Ro Khanna: Still Crazy After All These Years

Ro Khanna: Not the brightest bulb on the Chanukah bush

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold new blueprint for Middle East diplomacy, Representative Ro Khanna has proposed what experts are calling the ultimate shortcut to regional harmony: releasing an Islamic terrorist currently serving five life sentences for orchestrating multiple lethal terror attacks.

Khanna, a card-carrying cretin, publicly called on Israel to free Palestinian figure Marwan Barghouti, arguing that the mastermind behind the murder of multiple civilians is precisely the unifying figure needed to finally usher in lasting peace. 

Why not just ask Israel to commit suicide--it's more efficient.

"Barghouti has a unique standing among all Palestinian factions," Khanna declared, apparently arriving at the conclusion that a veteran of the Second Intifada is just the visionary statesman to run a tranquil neighbor state. "He's seen as non-corrupt, a strong leader, and secular. Barghouti could deliver a Palestinian state living in peace with Israel," this, despite his bloody hobby.

Political strategists noted that while most peace plans rely on tedious negotiations or mutual concessions, Khanna's model relies on the far simpler strategy of releasing mass murderers and hoping for the best.

"Releasing Barghouti does not provide him with a pardon or moral absolution of crimes he may have committed," Khanna clarified, taking care to reassure everyone that letting a convicted terrorist out of prison wouldn't mean anyone actually approves of terrorism. "In fact, a number of human rights groups say he did not even receive a fair trial. But the release is needed to move peace forward…"

To ensure the peaceful vision is fully realized, Khanna doubled down on the former Arafat lieutenant's potential.

“Palestinians must choose their own leaders," Khanna said. "Barghouti has a unique standing among all Palestinian factions. He’s seen as non-corrupt, a strong leader and secular. Barghouti could deliver a Palestinian state living in peace with Israel."

Critics were quick to point out minor details in Barghouti's resume, such as his conviction for planning a 2002 suicide bombing on Jerusalem's King George Street that killed three people and wounded 87 others. However, Washington insiders confirmed those details are merely technicalities compared to his potential as a secular peacemaker.

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At publishing time, Khanna was reportedly preparing his follow-up foreign policy proposal, which involves appointing arsonists to lead local fire departments in order to promote structural safety. But he has to wait until he's able to remove his head from his nether regions.

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