Taco Bell Introduces Authentic "Runs for the Border" Experience, CDC Confirms It Was Perhaps Too Authentic

ATLANTA, AP, Taco Bell customers across five states have reportedly discovered that the chain's slogan now comes with a stopwatch after federal health officials confirmed that lettuce from Mexico was the source of a widespread cyclospora outbreak.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention identified shredded iceberg lettuce served at Taco Bell locations in Indiana, Kentucky, Michigan, Ohio and West Virginia as the culprit behind an outbreak that turned drive thru visits into drive by emergencies.

The CDC warned consumers not to eat the lettuce, while countless customers admitted that warning would have been much more helpful before lunch.

A Food and Drug Administration investigation traced the lettuce to a single supplier, whose identity remains secret, presumably because witness protection now extends to produce distributors.

"FDA is working with the supplier of iceberg lettuce to determine if potentially contaminated shredded iceberg lettuce remains on the market," including in other states, the CDC said. "Taco Bell has committed to stop using any lettuce from the supplier identified by FDA's traceback investigation."

Translation, somewhere in America, a warehouse full of lettuce is being interrogated under a bright lamp.

Federal investigators have been tracking the outbreak alongside public health officials as infections continue climbing. More than 30 states have reported cases this year, pushing totals beyond the previous U.S. record of roughly 4,700 infections set in 2019.

Public health experts insist the illness is usually not life threatening, a comforting message delivered to people currently memorizing every restroom location between home and work.

Earlier this week Taco Bell announced it had "voluntarily and temporarily removed limited ingredients at select restaurants as a precautionary measure. We will continue to closely monitor the situation and follow the guidance of public health authorities."

Translation again, the lettuce has been placed on administrative leave pending further investigation.

Cyclospora is a microscopic parasite that causes watery diarrhea "with frequent and sometimes explosive bowel movements," according to the CDC, making it perhaps the only government description that requires no embellishment whatsoever.

Officials say the parasite spreads through food contaminated by fecal matter, often from irrigation water. Somehow this fact still failed to convince people that ordering "extra lettuce" might not be the healthiest life choice.

Experts attribute the growing number of cases to climate change and improved detection methods, because in modern America every story must eventually arrive at climate change, even if it first makes several urgent stops at the restroom. Meanwhile, ordinary Americans have developed a simpler theory, perhaps restaurants should ensure the lettuce is not imported with complimentary parasites.

Tweet