Maduro announces electricity rationing, citizens forced to cook using cow farts

Caracas -- They say necessity is the mother of invention and in Venezuela that is definitely the case. On Sunday the dictator president Nicolas Maduro announced a policy of 30 days electricity rationing as his government said it would reduce the length of the workday and keep schools closed until they can figure things out.

U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders (Socialist-VT) has volunteered his services to help Maduro figure things out because of the place he has in his heart for the richest oil country on Earth.

Meanwhile, people are beginning to worry that without electricity, they will have to resort to using cow farts with which to cook their "catch of the day."

By 'catch of the day' I mean dogs, cats, and some things that fall off the garbage trucks.

Farmers are using their ingenuity to come up with a solution to capture the flatulence of their cows and have developed what they call "a reverse feed bag." It simply slips over the hind quarters of the beasts and is air tight. Once a cow has ended her day, the reverse feed bag is removed and closed shut before any of the methane can escape. It is then put in canisters that are fitted with universal valves like those found on camping stoves.

The treasured gas is then brought to what is colloquially known as "garbage truck coops," and sold on the black market where customers fit the canister to their camping stove and cook whatever it is they've found.

On the plus side, Maduro is guaranteeing a supply of water, but it isn't known where it is coming from and has a strange odor.

Since 2015, about 2.7 million people have left Venezuela for greener pastures. With this new innovation, many will stay and blame President Donald Trump for all their woes.

Alexandria Obviously-Comatose (Damned Socialist-NY) is quite upset that the country below us is finding good use for the one thing she wants to eliminate. "What if the wind in Venezuela is blowing our way?" she opined.

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Cow farts now regulated in California

In a brave and stunning move to fight the battle against climate change and atmospheric odor, California Gov. Jerry Brown is pushing through a law to keep cow farts down to a tolerable level. This is intended to reduce greenhouse-gas emissions from dairy farms and landfills and make traveling throughout the state of California more enjoyable.

"You know, when Noah wanted to build his ark, most of the people laughed at him," Brown pontificated, adding that the ark saved all of Earth's species [except for those that go extinct day by day].

"We've got to build our ark too, by stopping . . . dangerous pollutants," Brown said, alluding to cow farts and a Bible story still unconfirmed about a guy who was told by God to build a big boat and put in all species of the world in it, which is kind of a story that perhaps children believe.

Although cow farts don't hang around in the atmosphere, they still spoil people's appetites and hasten global warming due to their heat-trapping ability, Reuters, the flatulence experts said. "We're protecting people's lungs and their health," Gov. Moonbeam said.

One of the main methane culprits is cow poop. As per the bill, dairy farmers have to cut methane emissions to 40% below the 2013 levels by 2030 and can do so by actually lighting cow farts in the fields where they occur.

Under a cap-and-trade-plan, farmers will receive aid from he $50 million raised by cow fart fees and other methane producers, which they can then put toward machinery that uses methane to create energy they can in turn sell to electric companies. The perceived difficulty will be in harnessing the farts by funneling them into a gathering tube. 

Cows aren't very compliant and this may be a problem for farmers, but imagine how satisfied people will be when they watch Jerry Brown speak on TV knowing that his message is being powered by bovine flatulence.




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