Britain prints knife crime warnings on deep fried chicken boxes

The following is true, but the satire is obvious.

You have a better chance of dying from the cholesterol-soaked fried chicken than a knife crime in Britain, but now the country that gave us the Magna Carta is putting warning labels about the dangers of knife crime on chicken takeout boxes.

That is not to say that knife crime should be taken lightly, especially in the country that gave us Gilbert and Sullivan's "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General" and blood pudding, but to put a warning label on a chicken box is a tad over the top. It isn't as if being warned about someone coming up to you brandishing a knife is going to save you or perhaps your chicken from being confiscated, if that's what he's going for, so what good is putting that on the box going to do? 

In fact, being attacked by a knife wielding maniac might spoil your appetite and you end up throwing the chicken away, which would be what actually saves your life or the high cost of open heart surgery.

But the warnings aren't simply about being accosted by a maniac. It's also about the dangers of the British carrying a knife so that they can cut their greasy chicken properly. Evidently, the government believes that Britishers are just as incompetent as they are and don't trust them with a plastic utensil.

"Special chicken boxes warning about the dangers of carrying a knife are to be distributed to takeaways across England and Wales by the government," reports Sky News. "More than 320,000 of them - featuring the Home Office #knifefree campaign - will replace the standard packaging in 210 outlets."

These special chicken boxes will only be given out to those people who look as if they hear command voices from their pets.

The boxes feature stories of young people who either fell victim to knife crime or escaped it. The government is hoping that by reading about knife crime, it will statistically reduce the chances of it actually happening to the reader. 

It reminds one of the story about the statistician who got caught bringing a bomb onto a plane. He was stopped and questioned: "Why did you bring a bomb on this plane?" the security guard asked him. 

"Because the chances of there being a bomb on the plane is about one in two hundred thousand. But the chances of there being two bomb on the plane is about one in seventeen million. I just didn't want to take the chance."

Rumors are being spread that the British government is planning to launch a "knife-free raw coconut eating campaign." Please watch the inspirational video above.

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Cohen goes whole hog on chicken stunt

Rep Steve Cohen (D-TN) spoke with MSNBC about  the chicken stunt he pulled on the House floor. He said he planned it the previous night, pondering how best he could make a fool of himself and maybe in the process get a few laughs, and chicken came to mind.

Cohen bought the bucket of greasy dead fowl the previous night and when he gobbled the bird down, it was cold and yucky--he didn't like it and said that it was not "wonderful."

The purpose of his gobbling the chicken down during the House Judiciary Committee hearing was to take a swipe at Attorney General William Barr, who was not in attendance [to Cohen's relief]. 

Cohen responded to his critics of the somewhat disgusting display and said the move was an attempt at "levity." But there's nothing funny about seeing a guy eating chicken with his hands and an open mouth.

The best part was the ceramic chicken Cohen brought along for the show. He mocked Barr for being "too chicken" for not showing at the hearing, which brought raucous laughter on the House floor--just kidding.

The joke bombed. 

Most notably, Jimmy Kimmel mocked the stunt and warned Democrats that using this kind of “sick burns” will cost them the presidential election in 2020. [From Kimmel's show to G-d's 5K Smart TV.]

"Wow, what a sick burn that is," Kimmel said sarcastically to his audience. "Trump's gonna win again with stuff like that, isn't he?"

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Vegan arrested after crashing her car into chicken truck

A woman who believed that her view of the world are the only ones that matter, crashed her car repeatedly into a truck carrying chickens to a chicken dance festival in Georgia.

The woman, a vegan, is identified as 26-year-old Judith Moriah Armstrong. 

The police tracked her down by the feather trail she left along the road, but she refused to leave her house until they produced a warrant. She spoke with police through different windows in her home.

Initially she told the cops it was all an accident but soon admitted to hitting the chicken truck on purpose, killing the driver and hundreds of chickens whose only crime was their dancing abilities.

She said she plowed into the chicken truck because she is a vegan--won't eat meat because it's unethical to "make one's stomach into a graveyard for critters," she said.

Four other vehicles driving behind the chicken truck were hit when the truck spun out, throwing the driver into a tree and running over chickens like an anti-fowl terrorist attack in Europe.

Armstrong said she was sober when the police arrived, but  she admitted to taking "a couple of shots" when she got home. Police tested her blood-alcohol level at the jail and she blew a .089, which is higher than the legal limit.

Armstrong is now facing charges of hit-and-run, aggressive driving, killing people, vehicular chicken slaughter, driving under the influence and obstruction. 

Because of the fact that she does not reside in a sanctuary city, she will have to appear in court.


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