Trump Shares GOP Senator’s Phone Number In Fight For Permanent Daylight Saving Tim

HOUSTON, TX — Showing that his vision for the cosmos is as grand as his approach to Senate vote-counting, President Donald Trump reportedly called astronauts on the International Space Station on August 28, 2026, directly from NASA’s Johnson Space Center to ask if they could see Tom Cotton’s phone blowing up from space.

While at Mission Control, Trump paused briefly from managing terrestrial calendar reform to honor the Artemis II crew with the Congressional Space Medal of Honor and sign an executive order creating a US Space Academy. The academy will reportedly train future space cadets in essential galactic duties, such as navigating orbital mechanics and cold-calling recalcitrant lawmakers from deep space.

Having successfully conquered space policy for the morning, Trump immediately returned to his primary legislative strategy: doxxing sitting U.S. Senators to fix the clock once and for all.

In a move that surprised absolutely no one who remembers the great Lindsey Graham Flip Phone Destruction Era of 2016, Trump published Senator Tom Cotton’s personal cellphone number on Truth Social. The strategic leak was designed to apply maximum public pressure on the Arkansas Republican, who is currently standing between the American people and endless, glorious afternoon golf sessions.

The Sunshine Protection Act, which passed the House 308-117 in July, remains stalled in the Senate. Trump made it clear that the primary obstacle to national clock harmony is a single Senator refusing to yield to the overwhelming power of extra evening sunlight.

“For some reason, Tom is stopping the Bill,” Trump wrote in a totally standard presidential directive. “So, everyone in Arkansas … tell Tom to, GET IT DONE!”

Trump went on to explain that permanent daylight saving time is vital for golfers, tennis players, hunters, farmers, and anyone else who realizes that waking up to pitch-black darkness is a small price to pay for hit balls at 8:30 p.m.

“So, everyone in Arkansas, a State I love, and won 3 times, the last by by 34 points, tell Tom to, GET IT DONE! It will be appreciated by all,” Trump said. “Nobody wants to spend their precious time running all over the place, turning Clocks back twice a year, and having sunshine in the afternoon is better than early in the morning!”

Cotton, however, remains stubbornly attached to the idea that human beings should see the sun before noon in January.

“These highly concentrated benefits for a few industries in a few regions are offset by widely distributed costs across many more industries throughout the entire country,” Cotton said in a speech, callously ignoring the desperate plight of evening golfers. “And that’s to say nothing of moms sending their kids to school in the dark of night.”

Medical experts immediately weighed in to complicate the issue further, warning that standard time aligns better with human biology, while other studies pointed out that moving the clocks forward increases heart attacks and fatal car crashes. Senate Majority Leader John Thune and a bipartisan group of senators also expressed opposition, proving that if there is one thing Congress can unite behind, it is keeping the country’s sleep schedule completely unstable twice a year.

At publishing time, Senator Cotton’s phone was reportedly vibrating so violently that NASA instruments in Houston registered it as a mild seismic event.

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Trump Senate Meeting Accidentally Turns Into Live-Action Thanksgiving Dinner Argument Over Iran

WASHINGTON, D.C. — What was supposed to be a routine Republican strategy meeting on election security reportedly descended into a spirited reenactment of every family Thanksgiving since 2016, as President Donald Trump and Senate Republicans traded shouts over the ongoing war with the Islamic Republic of Iran.

Sources say lawmakers entered the room expecting a discussion about voter ID requirements and citizenship verification. Instead, they found themselves front-row for what one attendee described as a "7 out of 10" verbal cage match complete with finger-pointing, raised voices, and at least one senator channeling his inner Irish pub debater. At least nobody flipped 'the bird.'

The meeting came amid lingering frustration over Trump's decision to torpedo the 21st Century Road to Housing Act, a bipartisan bill Republicans had hoped to market as proof that Congress occasionally remembers how to pass legislation.

Despite reports of the chaos, Trump emerged from the closed-door meeting sounding like a man who had just finished a pleasant church picnic.

"I think we had a really great meeting, and we're very proud of the party," he said. "We like our leader. We like everybody, really, in the room. I don't like a few people, but that's okay. I think you know who they are."

The festivities reportedly escalated when Trump questioned why Republicans had supported a War Powers Act resolution limiting his authority in Iran.

"He asked, ‘why would anybody vote for the War Powers Act?’" Sen. Bill Cassidy recalled afterward. "As he continued, I said, ‘is that a rhetorical question, or would you like to really know?’ He said, ‘I'd like to know.’"

Witnesses say Cassidy then committed the cardinal sin of Washington by answering a politician's question directly.

"I stood and said, ‘you have not told the American people what's going on. It was supposed to last four weeks, it's lasted four months,’" Cassidy [aka Hopalong] said. "‘Our original objectives have not been achieved, and I want to know what's going on.’"

At that point, the meeting reportedly transformed into a cross between a Senate hearing and two dads arguing over whose grill technique ruined the burgers.

Cassidy later attributed his enthusiasm to "the Irish in me," while colleagues eventually encouraged him to sit down before CSPAN cameras somehow materialized through the walls.

"I guess my point is, though, that the American people need to know more than we are being told," Cassidy said. "The Senate needs to know, and it does not appear, although I don't know for sure, that the course of this is going the way that we were told."

Lawmakers remain frustrated that they still have not received a full explanation of the administration's recent agreement with Iran, leading many senators to experience the unfamiliar sensation of wanting to know what their government is doing before voting on it.

One source familiar with the meeting said Trump became especially animated because the war powers vote complicated negotiations with Tehran. According to the source, the president began naming Republicans who sided with Democrats, including Sen. Dave McCormick, who had the unique advantage of not being present for the vote because he was standing next to Trump at another event.

The source described the confrontation as a "7 out of 10."

"You know, [like] two boys on recess that are yelling at each other over a foul on a basketball court," they said.

Republicans hoping the meeting might produce a strategy for passing the SAVE America Act were reportedly disappointed to discover that Congress had once again found a way to spend hours talking without resolving anything.

Senate Majority Leader John Thune later explained that Trump emphasized the importance of the legislation but did not spend much time discussing how to overcome the minor obstacle of not having enough votes.

"It was more the president saying, ‘If we don't do this, we're gonna get ourselves in real trouble going down the road,’" Sen. Jim Justice said.

At press time, congressional aides confirmed that lawmakers had left the meeting with exactly the same number of votes they entered with, but with significantly higher blood pressure readings.

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GOP ensures ICE funding through Trump's term in office

The GOP-led Senate wasted no time early Thursday morning, ramming through a budget plan that funds the Department of Homeland Security and pours another $70 billion into immigration enforcement for the rest of President Trump’s term in office. 

Democrats were livid that illegal aliens could not remain in their voter base.

The measure cleared the narrowly divided chamber on a 50-48 party-line vote, with every Republican in support and Democrats unified in opposition. For all Republicans to stand together on any issue is known as "The Miracle on Capitol Hill."

GOP leaders hailed the passage as a critical step to lock down the border [and level the voter playing field]. The resolution now heads to the House and sets up the reconciliation process, allowing Republicans to advance the funding bill without Democrats’ filibuster roadblocks.

“We have a multistep process ahead of us, but at the end, Republicans will have helped ensure that America’s borders are secure and prevented Democrats from defunding these important agencies,” said Senate Majority Leader John Thune (R-ND).

Senator John Barrasso (R-WY) ripped into Democrats for blocking DHS funding 16 times. The department has gone without proper funding since February 14, 2026.

“Democrats are playing to the most radical members of their party. Through their actions, Democrats are putting the safety and security of our nation behind the safety and security of their own political careers,” he said from the Senate floor.

Democrats spent the debate pushing amendments they insisted would tackle housing, childcare, and health care costs.

“Instead of pumping hundreds of billions of dollars into ICE and Border Patrol, Republicans should be working with Democrats to lower out-of-pocket costs,” Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) said.

Several Republican priorities fell short after moderate [aka RINO] GOP senators Susan Collins (R-ME) and Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) crossed the aisle to join Democrats. The pair helped kill a proposal from Senator Josh Hawley (R-MO) to strip funding from Planned Parenthood.

“One recent study found that in three years alone, Planned Parenthood got a billion and a half dollars from Medicaid and Medicare. Money to be used on these risky surgeries and [transgender] procedures for our children. This is wrong,” Hawley said. “This is a terrible misuse of federal funds, and we should put a stop to it today.”

Senators Thom Tillis (R-NC), Mitch McConnell (R-KY), Murkowski, and Collins also teamed up with Democrats to block Senator John Kennedy (R-LA) from attaching the SAVE Act, which would require photo ID to vote in federal elections, to the budget measure.

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