Iranian Regime Calls For Americans To Vote Democratic

In a 26-page sternly worded letter, the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps politely requested that American voters cast their ballots against Republicans because, as it turns out, they and the Trump administration is just being far too mean to the world's premier terror apparatus (though Turkey is currently making a strong run for the title).

The "Open Letter to the Honorable People of the United States of America" released Tuesday urgently pleaded with citizens to elect Democrats and simply stop resisting the Iranian mullahs because, according to Iran, they are actually winning.

Indeed, Iran has achieved "remarkable strategic wins," the English translation declared, leaving experts to wonder what the Persian version says about the state of their centrifuges.

“Although American politicians often win your votes through deception and false promises, as Trump did, you can change the makeup of the government,” the letter stated, offering a Master’s class in international electoral intervention. “Remove from power the evil, deceitful, and violent politicians who are responsible for America’s current state [and let us defeat the Great Satan so that we can destroy the Little Satan as Allah requests of the world's Muslims, inshallah, yadda, yadda].”

At press time, the IRGC was reportedly drafting a follow-up memorandum offering customized "I Voted" stickers for anyone who complies. The stickers will feature a bloody sword and the words 'Kill the nonbelievers wherever you find them, especially the, you know, Jooooze'.

It makes one wonder whether the Kapo, Chuck Schumer, has a deal going with the remaining mullahs. The alligator will eat him and his ilk last--you know what that means.

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10 Ways to Tell They're Infidels: an Islamic Guide for the Complete Jihadist

Sometimes you just need to be sure that the people you're dealing with are infidels. If you find that they are, you must treat them accordingly and do what must be done. You might think distinguishing an infidel from a Muslim is difficult, but rest assured, it can be done rather easily. So let's begin to see how this can be done.

Flag Pinup

1. Many infidels wear flag pins. That is, they're patriotic to their country and not to Muhammad, (Peace Be Upon Him). These so-called people are called "patriots," and the current government has been wise enough to undermine them using the IRS and other government agencies. If you see someone wearing an American flag pin, stay clear of them, or try to find a way to call them Islamophobic.

2. They go to church. Not all infidels substitute real religion with their fake religion, but many do. Some attend these churches on Sundays, but some go on Saturdays, like the Jews. Some of the more "religious" go more than once a week, but unlike us, refuse to pray 5 times a day. Instead, they waste their time working.

3. Infidels often have gay/lesbian in the family who have

not been stoned to death or dropped from a high place, as prescribed in the Holy Qu'ran. I know that this is hard to believe, but it's true. In fact, in many countries like Big Satan, gays and lesbians even have organizations like GLAAD. Fortunately, the gays and lesbians who run them support our religion even more than they do Christianity or Judaism. Hard to believe, but there's no accounting for infidels who are also liberals. Hey, that rhymes.

4. Infidels believe in freedom of speech. This is clearly because they do not follow the word of Allah and for this they will die a horrible death and sent to hell, where shaitan will burn them for eternity and their skin will burn away only to be replaced by new skin to maximize the pain, for Allah is all loving, all merciful.