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HOUSTON, TX — Showing that his vision for the cosmos is as grand as his approach to Senate vote-counting, President Donald Trump reportedly called astronauts on the International Space Station on August 28, 2026, directly from NASA’s Johnson Space Center to ask if they could see Tom Cotton’s phone blowing up from space.
While at Mission Control, Trump paused briefly from managing terrestrial calendar reform to honor the Artemis II crew with the Congressional Space Medal of Honor and sign an executive order creating a US Space Academy. The academy will reportedly train future space cadets in essential galactic duties, such as navigating orbital mechanics and cold-calling recalcitrant lawmakers from deep space.
Having successfully conquered space policy for the morning, Trump immediately returned to his primary legislative strategy: doxxing sitting U.S. Senators to fix the clock once and for all.
In a move that surprised absolutely no one who remembers the great Lindsey Graham Flip Phone Destruction Era of 2016, Trump published Senator Tom Cotton’s personal cellphone number on Truth Social. The strategic leak was designed to apply maximum public pressure on the Arkansas Republican, who is currently standing between the American people and endless, glorious afternoon golf sessions.
The Sunshine Protection Act, which passed the House 308-117 in July, remains stalled in the Senate. Trump made it clear that the primary obstacle to national clock harmony is a single Senator refusing to yield to the overwhelming power of extra evening sunlight.
“For some reason, Tom is stopping the Bill,” Trump wrote in a totally standard presidential directive. “So, everyone in Arkansas … tell Tom to, GET IT DONE!”
Trump went on to explain that permanent daylight saving time is vital for golfers, tennis players, hunters, farmers, and anyone else who realizes that waking up to pitch-black darkness is a small price to pay for hit balls at 8:30 p.m.
“So, everyone in Arkansas, a State I love, and won 3 times, the last by by 34 points, tell Tom to, GET IT DONE! It will be appreciated by all,” Trump said. “Nobody wants to spend their precious time running all over the place, turning Clocks back twice a year, and having sunshine in the afternoon is better than early in the morning!”
Cotton, however, remains stubbornly attached to the idea that human beings should see the sun before noon in January.
“These highly concentrated benefits for a few industries in a few regions are offset by widely distributed costs across many more industries throughout the entire country,” Cotton said in a speech, callously ignoring the desperate plight of evening golfers. “And that’s to say nothing of moms sending their kids to school in the dark of night.”
Medical experts immediately weighed in to complicate the issue further, warning that standard time aligns better with human biology, while other studies pointed out that moving the clocks forward increases heart attacks and fatal car crashes. Senate Majority Leader John Thune and a bipartisan group of senators also expressed opposition, proving that if there is one thing Congress can unite behind, it is keeping the country’s sleep schedule completely unstable twice a year.
At publishing time, Senator Cotton’s phone was reportedly vibrating so violently that NASA instruments in Houston registered it as a mild seismic event.
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