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Campaign Staff Reportedly Begin Excavation Project After Discovering Candidate's Closet Contains Entire Cemetery
Maine Senate Democrat candidate Graham Platner is once again making headlines after old online posts resurfaced showing that, at various points in his life, he apparently attempted to alienate every voting bloc in the state simultaneously.
The latest controversy centers on comments Platner made in 2020 in which he described police officers as "opportunistic cowards" while mocking local law enforcement for requesting riot-control equipment during the nationwide unrest that followed the death of George Floyd.
Political observers say the discovery is merely the latest artifact recovered from what experts now describe as the Platner Digital Archaeological Site, a sprawling online ruin containing years of inflammatory commentary, ideological experiments, and what historians believe was an unsuccessful attempt to offend every demographic category known to man.
Retired federal special agent and Maine state Rep. Donald Ardell was unimpressed by the revelations.
"It just shows a complete lack of understanding of the way law enforcement operates," Ardell said. "They have to be prepared for eventualities."
Investigators soon uncovered additional comments in which Platner referred to a police chief as "thin blue line trash," embraced the slogan "all cops are bastards," and suggested corruption might be embedded throughout law enforcement.
Ardell noted that many officers have grown weary of the steady stream of discoveries.
"It's a series of consistent bad decisions, and it seems to be continuing."
The police remarks join an already impressive collection of campaign headaches. Before scrubbing nearly a decade of social media activity, Platner reportedly described himself as both a communist and a socialist, mocked rural voters as racist and stupid, and made remarks about a teenage girl's suicide attempt that critics characterized as cruel.
Meanwhile, scrutiny of his personal life has produced enough material to keep opposition researchers employed through at least 2034. His campaign acknowledged that he sent sexually explicit messages to multiple women while married. Questions have also persisted regarding a Nazi-linked tattoo and why former romantic partners seemed to understand its symbolism before he did.
Platner has defended many of the posts as jokes and internet "sh*tposting," while attributing some comments to PTSD stemming from military service.
The explanation has not convinced Ardell.
"This is not a guy that has a skeleton in the closet," the lawmaker said. "This is a guy that has a whole graveyard."
At press time, opposition researchers reportedly announced the discovery of three additional digital graveyards, a crypt, and what appears to be an abandoned mineshaft beneath Platner's old Reddit account.
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Maine Senate Democrat candidate Graham Platner is once again making headlines after old online posts resurfaced showing that, at various points in his life, he apparently attempted to alienate every voting bloc in the state simultaneously.
The latest controversy centers on comments Platner made in 2020 in which he described police officers as "opportunistic cowards" while mocking local law enforcement for requesting riot-control equipment during the nationwide unrest that followed the death of George Floyd.
Political observers say the discovery is merely the latest artifact recovered from what experts now describe as the Platner Digital Archaeological Site, a sprawling online ruin containing years of inflammatory commentary, ideological experiments, and what historians believe was an unsuccessful attempt to offend every demographic category known to man.
Retired federal special agent and Maine state Rep. Donald Ardell was unimpressed by the revelations.
"It just shows a complete lack of understanding of the way law enforcement operates," Ardell said. "They have to be prepared for eventualities."
Investigators soon uncovered additional comments in which Platner referred to a police chief as "thin blue line trash," embraced the slogan "all cops are bastards," and suggested corruption might be embedded throughout law enforcement.
Ardell noted that many officers have grown weary of the steady stream of discoveries.
"It's a series of consistent bad decisions, and it seems to be continuing."
The police remarks join an already impressive collection of campaign headaches. Before scrubbing nearly a decade of social media activity, Platner reportedly described himself as both a communist and a socialist, mocked rural voters as racist and stupid, and made remarks about a teenage girl's suicide attempt that critics characterized as cruel.
Meanwhile, scrutiny of his personal life has produced enough material to keep opposition researchers employed through at least 2034. His campaign acknowledged that he sent sexually explicit messages to multiple women while married. Questions have also persisted regarding a Nazi-linked tattoo and why former romantic partners seemed to understand its symbolism before he did.
Platner has defended many of the posts as jokes and internet "sh*tposting," while attributing some comments to PTSD stemming from military service.
The explanation has not convinced Ardell.
"This is not a guy that has a skeleton in the closet," the lawmaker said. "This is a guy that has a whole graveyard."
At press time, opposition researchers reportedly announced the discovery of three additional digital graveyards, a crypt, and what appears to be an abandoned mineshaft beneath Platner's old Reddit account.
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