Biden being treated for aggressive cancer

If you thought Joe Biden's post-White House life was going to be all ice cream cones and awkward stares into the middle distance, think again. The man who spent the last few decades perfecting the art of the slow-motion stumble is now getting his innards zapped with radiation and hormones to fend off an aggressive prostate cancer that's about as subtle as his deteriorated mental status.

A spokesperson dropped the bombshell on Saturday, confirming that our favorite whispery elder statesman is deep into a treatment cocktail for the big C that decided to crash his retirement party.

"As part of a treatment plan for prostate cancer, Biden is currently undergoing radiation therapy and hormone treatment," said Kelly Scully, a Biden aide.

Ah, yes, because nothing says "still got it" like hormone therapy at 82. Remember when Biden shuffled out of the Oval in January, six months after that debate debacle with Donald Trump turned him into a viral meme of frailty? The one where America collectively went, "Wait, is he reading from cue cards or channeling his inner Weekend at Bernie's?" 

Yeah, that exit came after he wisely (or staff-forced, take your pick) bowed out of the reelection race amid a chorus of "age, health, and mental fitness" concerns that echoed louder than Eric Swalwell after a Taco Bell.

Trump, meanwhile, steamrolled past Kamala Harris, Biden's cackling understudy, and reclaimed the keys to the kingdom. 

Sucks to be Team Blue, huh?

Fast-forward to May, when Biden's post-presidential entourage announced the prostate punch: cancer, stage aggressive, with a horrible spread to the bones. It all kicked off with some urinary symptoms that probably had the docs muttering, "Well, that's one way to go out with a leak."

For the uninitiated in oncology bingo, prostate cancers get their menace measured on the Gleason scale—6 to 10, where 8-10 are the bad hombres that don't mess around. Biden's clocked in at 9, meaning this thing's got more fight than a typical CNN panel defending illegal immigration.

And just to keep the medical drama rolling, last month he carved out time for a forehead facelift courtesy of skin cancer surgery. Because why not accessorize your golden years with a parade of scalpels and scans? Look, if this is the universe's way of saying "retire harder, Joe," it's landing with all the grace of a teleprompter fail. 

Here's hoping the treatments zap this thing into oblivion faster than Trump zapped the polls. 

If you like Brain Flushings and want to Buy Me a Coffee, I would appreciate it, as it supports my work. Obviously, there is no pressure but I certainly wouldn't stop you. 

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BREAKING: We now know why Lloyd Austin was AWOL

Useless Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin did not have gender transition surgery that went awry. He did not need to have his pronouns checked. While he was AWOL from his job, telling nobody, including alleged President Joe Biden [his boss] where he was and what was wrong, he was hospitalized for five days due to complications from prostate cancer treatment. Not even his second in command, Deputy Defense Secretary Kathleen Hicks, was told of Austin's situation while she vacationed in sunny Puerto Rico.

Ironically, nobody missed Austin, much like what happened when Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg took six weeks off to chest feed his child. We know Buttigieg's job is a waste of taxpayer money, but we need a defense department with a defense secretary leading it, but if Austin can be gone for five days, how much is he needed? 

He should be forced to resign.

Austin, a 70-year-old DEI hire, was released from Walter Reed Army Medical Center one day after the initial procedure Dec. 22, only to experience “severe pain” on the evening of Jan. 1st that forced him to be rushed back to the hospital.

Between Jan. 1 and Jan. 5, Austin was incognito and useless, and while Biden was in the dark about Austin, Hicks was in the sun.

Our government is run by incompetent fools and headed by an old man with senile dementia who cannot string two coherent sentences together, even with a teleprompter. 

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